Hello all,

My name is Brian. I am 32 yrs old, and I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I was abused by a male neighbor on 3 different occasions, when I was 12 years old; after just having moving to the new neighborhood with my family. About three months after the abuse, I learned what he actually did to me and told myself that I would NEVER discuss what happened in that apartment. At the time, I didn’t know it was against the law, but knew for some reason I was extremely embarrassed with myself, ashamed, and very fearful that I was solely responsible for what happened. He never used force to get what he wanted, but was able to use his words and authority as an adult. After he was done abusing me and was I free to leave, I remember leaving my water gun in his apartment and having to find the courage to go back there and ask for it. Otherwise, I feared that he would come to my apartment and tell my parents what I had done in his master bedroom (I was so naïve).

Fast forward ten years, I am happily married, my wife is pregnant with our first kid, and while at a gas station, I hear the voice of that male neighbor that abused me those many years ago. I instantly turned around and realized that the person speaking is only about 20 years old and that it couldn’t be him. Unfortunately that stop at the gas station, blew open the doors to the compartment in my mind that I had worked very hard in suppressing. The depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, flashbacks, night sweats that followed caused my work performance to drastically decrease and my marriage to suffer, so I sought out the help of therapist.

Four years of therapy, having forgiven myself for being a normal adolescence, and seeing myself in my kids (that is what they are….just innocent kids), have learned that no matter what I do, I will never be able to get over what happened. I am slowly (very slowly) becoming more and more comfortable with that notion. That is not to say there aren’t painful days, where my heart hurts and I get that knot in my throat and I have to work extremely hard to pull it all together and go on with daily life. Having kids is awesome because it causes me to stop thinking about what I need and how I feel and getting down to their level and playing with them, raising them, and ensure they are protected. But I use my kids as a distraction from the world I find myself in at times. A world where I am that scared 12 year old, in a stranger’s bedroom. Where all I wanted was him to stop abusing me, leave and never come back.

Welcome, Brian!



Congratulations on moving on and your marriage and kids and therapy. Sounds like you are well on your way. but you are right - you never really get over it. i'm glad you've joined us. the guys on these forums really help when the bad days come along - and i think you'll be able to help some others here as well.

thanks for introducing yourself.
Lee

Hi Brian,

Welcome to MS.

I am glad you have found this place of healing and support.

It is good that you are in therapy. Healing from these horrors is not an endeavor to be done without professional help.

In addition to therapy and this site, there are several books you might find useful.

Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse by Mic Hunter

Victims No Longer by Mike Lew.

I am certain others will share titles they have found helpful. You can find these titles, and others, here at the bookstore.

Take your time and look around. You do not want to trigger yourself by reading too many posts at one time.

At your own pace, read the boards and wander into chat. The lounge (chat) is open 24 hours a day though it isn't always populated.

We also have moderated chats called Healing Circles. They meet on Sunday and Wednesday evenings at 9pm eastern time and one on Tuesday at 19:00 UTC (European and African time zone) which translates to 2 PM Eastern US time zone. The Healing Circle on Tuesdays is scheduled to resume in September.

Again, welcome to MS.




Anomalous

Welcome to the MS community, Brian.

I'm sorry for what was done to you- but glad you are on a path of healing and reaching out. There is a lot on this website for you to make use of and help you on this path. Most Importantly you are not alone In your experience. I kept my abuse a secret for many years and it affected my life negatively in a lot of ways. Part of showing up here is my commitment to take care of myself in positive and affirming ways.

Hi Brian,

In one way, it was good what happened to you. I was into my 50's before I got councelling but you are much younger, have a family and are getting the councelling you need.

As you have found out, this is a long and hard journey. The detours will begin to get a lot shorter but even now, they will always lead back to the main road. You are well on the way to recovery. Congrats on becoming a Dad.

Welcome. I'm struck by your words about never getting over what happened to you. Somewhere along this journey I've heard "woven into the fabric of who you are." I'm not a survivor but maybe I like the phrase so much because it's not the only thing that makes you, you. It definitely shaped you--in my husbands case in some bad ways but also in some good ways (sensitivity to the suffering of others, compassion etc). Sounds like you are putting in the hard work and I admire that. Best wishes to you.

Thank you all for the warm welcome. I can count on one hand how many people know what happened to me and it feels good to put it out there....finally (although it crossed my mind to erase the post and go back to the mental battlefield on my own). Again thank you.

Hi Brian and welcome to MS!
It is shame that we all have met because of reason such as abuse and some traumatic experience
I hope we will found our way to recovery/haling no matter on obstacles, our fears, and isolating walls that some of us built. Giving support and sharing some burden has been very helpful for me. There are many good things that we can do to make this world a little bit better place.
Keep up bro!
Pero

Hi Brian. I am Jean-Pierre. Reading a part of your life did make me realize that "Where all I wanted was him to stop abusing me, leave and never come back."

You did leave and you will never go back. I know at times it is hard and i still fight my pass, but i am ok.

Take care Brian.

Hi Brian. I'm Mike, I'm 31. I admire your courage in posting. I'm glad you're here. Like your name btw.