I am happy to hear you are in therapy.
I hope you will discuss your husband's behavior with your therapist.
But please, do not feel embarrassed or think that you are "allowing" it. It is difficult to know how to deal with certain behaviors. Instead of berating yourself for "allowing" it, I hope that you can see you have been tolerating
his behavior, until you find a healthy solution for how to deal with it.
It can be very difficult to assess the behavior of those closest to us, let alone assess it as abusive.
Congratulate yourself for reaching out and hearing what we had to say, even if it was painful. Also congratulate yourself for taking positive steps to making yourself healthier.
Your husband's insistence that he doesn't need therapy "it won't help," is his way of seeking attention for his behavior and a justification for not changing. Part of his reticence can also be fear.
As for his statements "I might as well die" when you do not give him the reaction he is seeking, that is absolutely inappropriate and you can no longer let him abuse and manipulate you with such statements.
If your husband is suffering from depression, the statement "I might as well die" could be a veiled threat of suicide.
Even if he is not depressed he could act out in a manner harmful to himself, which may or may not be a fatal attempt, to get your attention.
I doubt he will go to therapy unless the issue is forced.
If you are setting limits with him, one of the things you can tell him is he has to go to therapy. And if he continues to make such threats, you will have him hospitalized.
You cannot be held emotionally hostage, nor should you have to worry about whether or not he will act on this veiled threat to prove a point.
Please re-read two of your paragraphs from an objective view (if you can):
And thanks for understanding that a non-response is as problematic as a response. The calmer I am, the worse it is ("No one gives a @#$% about me, I might as well die" etc). Maybe I just need to learn to weather this dramatic behavior, and let him learn to weather the feelings that go along with it.
I guess you won't be surprised to hear that he's not in therapy. He says it won't help. Individual therapy has helped me a lot (my therapist is a lifesaver), and I think it would help him. But I know we all have our own timelines of readiness, so I respect his choices. I also mentioned this site and he says he's too uncomfortable with men.
In particular, I want you to see that every time you either do not give in to what he wants (display of pain) or you suggest ways of him getting help (therapy, MS), he throws up road blocks, and comes up with reasons why the help won't work or why he cannot do it, before he has even tried.
My guess is if you brought home some of the books about and for male survivors, there will be reasons he won't read them, either.
To be blunt, you are going to have to find a way to get him to seek help. "Raising the bottom," rather than waiting for him to hit it (which is what is done in an intervention). You will also need to decide, with the support of your therapist, what your bottom line will be if he refuses to get help.
The bottom line is not a threat, nor is it a punishment or blackmail. It is not intended to shame or to humiliate him. You are drawing a line in the sand.
He must make changes if he wants to stop hurting.
You have to be healthy regardless of the choice he makes.
Hopefully he will decide to get help. If not, he will be suffering alone.
Be gentle and kind to yourself.