I have a lot of negative thoughts in my head.

Thoughts like:
No one has ever loved me.
No one will ever love me.
I've never been in love.
I'll never know what love is.
I was given a crappy, shitty hand in life.
I was never given a decent chance to shine.
People are NOT born equal (and I'm less than)....
I'm retarded.
I'm unlovable.

These thoughts used to RUN my life and push me towards despondency and suicidal depression. In the past year, I've learned to control the inner critic inside most of the time, and they no longer run rampant. However, I do still struggle from time to time. And there are times when I choose to believe the thoughts, and when I do, I become DEPRESSED. They're difficult to NOT believe - all the evidence at how my life has panned out thus far supports the negative thoughts.

One such episode this morning. Woke up feeling kind of icky and had the usual negative thoughts circling around my psyche, waiting, like vultures, to attack.

I became aware of a new train of thought. I had a moment of clarity where I realized that maybe, just maybe, these thoughts are COMPLETELY false, and that maybe, just maybe, NONE of them are true. I had the line of thoughts that seemed to be saying that maybe it was my perceptions that are off; and my definitions are off.

This is a strange thinking pattern. I'm uncomfortable with this. It feels foreign to me.

What does this mean? I'm a little confused here. The best way I can describe it is a willingness to let go of my experiences that define my beliefs. A willingness to let go of my train of thoughts, and a willingness to completely dismiss everything I grew up believing about my experiences and my "pathetic little" life.

Magellan - this is a similar situation to what i am in right now.

my T said i should make a list of "Lies I Have Believed." i did so and it was very revealing. as i put them into words, it became very apparent that most of them were patently false and some were absolutely ludicrous.

as i reviewed them, i realized that i couldn't just leave it at that. I went back and wrote counters or rebuttals to each of them. when i re-read them, i realized that those were things that i believed in theory - about other people. and that i need to start applying them to myself. like you, it feels "strange" and "foreign" and it will take some work to fully accept them as truths that i really own. it is a start.

i think you are on to something here. push on, friend...
Lee

Magellan,

It sounds like you've made a great leap into separating yourself from those depressing thoughts, instead of believing them. That's a major step forward. It's also what client's in successful cognitive behavior therapy are taught. And the really great thing about it is that it's true, they are just thoughts, not the truth. If you continue along this line it's best to look at things realistically rather than through a distorted lens that ends up in depression and suicidality, weighing the evidence for and against what they call in CBT "automatic thoughts" in an effort to dispute them and eventually dislodge the underlying "core beliefs" that engender the depressing thoughts. But you seem to be doing this on your own. Great work and I wish you continued success!

Casmir

Hi Magellan,

"What does this mean?"

It means the abusive people in your life, and their messages, are losing their power over you.

It means you are healing from the abusive messages you heard all of your life.


Congratulations!!


It means you are well on your way to having the life that you so richly deserve.




Anomalous

Hey Lee,

"i realized that those were things that i believed in theory - about other people. and that i need to start applying them to myself."

- yes! I haven't quite connected those dots before. I could try to do positive thinking and I could love others for who they were, but I couldn't see that my love for others was also needed for myself as well. I'm a human being just like everyone else on the planet and I have the same intrinsic value as any other human being on this planet.

The amount of respect and awe I feel for another human enduring tremendous suffering of CSA, is the same amount of respect and awe I should be feeling for myself.

Thank you for your insight! Very grateful

D

Hi Casmir,

Thank you very much for your encouragement and compliment. I haven't quite been doing it on my own. I'm in Alanon (12 step), and participating here, and seeing a great therapist. I couldn't have done that on my own

Thank you for reminding me about cbt goals; I haven't done that form of therapy in years. And yes, I suppose I have met the cbt therapist goals at this point; I'm no longer ruled by my emotional thoughts.

Thanks again

D

Hi Anomalous,

Thank you! I'm starting to see glimpses of what that richer life might look like. I'm scared and hopeful.

D