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#401293 - 06/22/12 11:47 AM Help with genophobic reactions
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
I originally posted a pm with this to the "ask the s/x doc" forum, but I gather from the post dates that he's not written on the site for a few months.

sinse it's about time I dealt with this rubbish, and sisne there are probably fellows here who can give good advice on the subject, I'll ask the question here.

I have been doing recovery for five years, but I still cannot get past my problems with s/x.

When i was ten, my parents honestly and in detail explained what s/x was, what mb was, and that it was all part of growing up, just like shaving or my voice changing. This was fine, and I didn't particularly worry about it.

however, when i got to secondary school, everyone started making what to me were stupid, pointless jokes about the subject, and behaving like idiots, nobody seemed to think it was just biological, people seemed obsessed, leaving me isolated and very alone (it not helping that the school was an absolute pit where knives were pulled on teachers).

Isolation degenerated into bullying when I was 12, and then into s/xual humiliation, and what I now recognize was complete, and very public sa when I was 13-15. I thus learnt that if I ever! had a physical reaction, ---- ie an erection in public, bad things were going to happen, so I mb'd as much as I could in order to reduce the chances of that happening.

I left that school just before my 16th birtday. Up until I was 19, I had no real desire at all. i just saw s/x as a purely, biological act, perhaps vaguely physically pleasurable to some, but essentially nothing that important or special, and i honestly believed all couples who were together were essentially just good friends who happened to do something physical once in a while.

Sinse then however, i have realized there is an experience betwene people who are together that I have utterly missed, a form of physical and emotional communication, and I've felt a great desire for this, however literally nothing happened.

I realized I fell in love, ---- ie, felt an emotional connection to, various female friends at various ttimes, but I had no idea how to pick up or give off those mysterious signals that get relationships started, so even though I've "been out" with many girls, in the sense of had coffee, dinner, been to concerts etc, nothing ever seemed to follow, whether I wanted it to or not, and it was indeed a failed attempt to admit how i felt to a girl that made me realize I had to deal with my abuse.

I am extremely defensive of any kind of touch from another human, I don't like even having a hug, yet I know part of the communication I desire with another person is physical, yet if anyone touches me, I utterly freeze, and if I ever have a physical reaction of any sort, I feel a discomfort boardering on panic.

I hate s/xual humor, I even dislike the sound of the word (why i always write it with a slash), i skip over descriptions or scenes in films that portray it, and if anyone discusses it near me I feel at the least distaste, at the most utter horror.

yet, I still mb, because if I stop, I get the most horrific, uncontrollable nightmares. While mbing, I have two sets of thoughts that I use, one which is just using abstract images or feelings of women (though none I actually know), and is purely and simply about physically getting the business taken care of, and one, which is more painful and is about the sort of experience I'd like to have with another person, though even when I imagine that sort of experience I just imagine hugging, hand holding or kissing (it really bothers me that I've never kissed anyone), and not anything more.

If I am ever seen in any state of undress, even by my brother or my parents, I panic, ---- indeed I wear a shirt and long shorts if I want to go swimming.

I have attempted to rid myself of the desire for a relationship with another person, sinse I've concluded that desire brings far too much pain with it, however my reactions to s/x being undressed etc are things i'm jsut not comfortable with on their own grounds.

Have you any suggestions? I tried talking to a counseler about this, but they had no suggestions either, and talking about it didn't help, ---- sinse after all I know! why I have these reactions, i just have no idea how to deal with them.

I am fairly certain that if a woman was ever interested in being closer to me, we could take things slowly enough for me to get around my fear reactions, but sinse that is an impossibility (probably partially to do with the reactions themselves), I'm just stuck with a lot of stuff I can't deal with.

Talking on this site has helped, indeed I'm fairly certain I couldn't have written this a few years ago, but then again now I'm alone, and nobody is actually present at all.

The really ironic thing is that other than with people, i'm an extremely tactile person, indeed that's probably part of the reason I'm so comfortable with animals, (My dog is curled up on my feet while I write this).

Any advice? I have no idea how to deal with this at all, and even discounting the relationship thing, it just causes problems. i'm 29 at the moment, and the idea of never having s/x with another person isn't too bad, but I just wish i could rid myself of all the reactions that goes with, indeed if it weren't for biological risk and the fact that my tenor singing voice is extremely important to me, I'd considder medical castration, sinse I just don't want! this part of myself at all.

All the best,

Luke.

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#401329 - 06/22/12 09:17 PM Re: Help with genophobic reactions [Re: dark empathy]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 371
Loc: Ohio
I know in sex addiction recovery that there is an active group of people pursuing recovery in sexual anorexia. That isn't my experience, so I'm not certain it fits with genophobia. But, those involved in that type of recovery might have some strength and hope to share about that.

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#401365 - 06/23/12 12:39 AM Re: Help with genophobic reactions [Re: dark empathy]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
I'm not sure how that would work, sinse genophobia seems the opposite! to s/x addiction, indeed from where I am being addicted to s/x is unthinkable. i can understand how people do it, and I can employ my empathy and imagination to sympathize with people, but to any sort of real understanding it's like saying "I'm addicted to eating worms!" utterly and totally alien to me.

Indeed virtually the entire process of finding a relationship whether casual or long term is alien to me.

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#401412 - 06/23/12 08:49 AM Re: Help with genophobic reactions [Re: dark empathy]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Dark:
I noticed your reluctance to use the words "sex" and "masturbation" ever since you've been around here. Your discomfort with sexual terms makes your avoidance of sex understandable. Is it any wonder why you are not making more progress than you are.

Getting more comfortable is a way of desensitizing yourself from the abuse you suffered. One of the classic ways of overcoming a fear (yes, it is a fear of anything sexual) is to desensitize yourself gradually and comfortably. If you had a fear of flying, a therapist might start you off with imagining yourself at an airport (or something much less threatening than getting on a plane,) and gradually increasing the stimuli to going to an airport, and later getting on a plane.

Trauma can be overcome by exposure to greater and greater stimuli. It should be supervised by someone experienced in this kind of work. Take a look at the "Consumer's Guide to Therapist Shopping" and talk to potential therapists to find someone who is familiar with the sexual aspects. If you're vague on the intent for your goals because of your discomfort with sexual themes, you may not get the right person for your quest. Be open and if you can't express the sexual words, write them and send an email to potential therapists.

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#401478 - 06/23/12 09:28 PM Re: Help with genophobic reactions [Re: dark empathy]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 371
Loc: Ohio
Yes, that's why I suggested the sexual anorexia types. It is behaviorally the opposite of sex addiction. There is at least one book on it.

Again, that's the opposite of my experience, but seemed somewhat analogous to what you were describing.

http://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Anorexia-Overcoming-Self-Hatred/dp/1568381441

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#401502 - 06/24/12 04:31 AM Re: Help with genophobic reactions [Re: dark empathy]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Hi Ken.

The reason I don't write such words is very symple. remember, I'm using a screen reading program that speaks every word as I type it out loud, which makes it much more like verbally saying such things myself, than just having them written down.

I'm not sure, sinse all the counselers I tried never actually helped with this even when we addressed it directly. I've got very good at ignoring the words, ignoring the concept, skipping over it, even in some cases making it impersonal to me just like with my abuse.

if I'm put in a situation where it comes up, say in a book or a film, I just distance myself, and feel a sense of detached disgust, the sort of thing you'd feel when you found a slug on your foot.

I've tried to desensatize myself, I once tried to read the wikipedia artical on the subject, but I had to give up shortly after starting because the discomfort got too much, but nothing seems to work, sinse any material I examine, from light s/xual humour in a romantic comedy, to a picture of a naked woman I just feel that detached sense, i'm making it unreal to myself, much as I did during my abuse, this is exactly how I'm able to read a lot of the explicit material on this site, ---- plus of course, something I read that is explicite here I'm reading because I hopefully want to help another person, which devorces the hole business from myself.

It also doesn't help that I'm quite familiar myself with behaviourist thinking from studdying psychology. I'm not sure about going into therapy at the moment sinse I really don't want to get myself into an emotionally bad state, I'd rather have something that would go at my own pace, plus, now that I'm off the uni counselling service, it'd mean asking my parents to pay for a therapist, and I'd very much rather not do that.

Thanks for the book kcinohio, however unless it's available in some sort of E text or audio form I'm not going to be able to read it. I could pay someone, but I'd rather not pay someone to read a book on such a subject.

This is why i've never even been able to read Mike Loo's book despite attending one of his weekends of recovery.

As I said, I think this is something I could! get over with the right person, but that just doesn't happen either, which is again probably partly due to my problems with tactile defensiveness and genophobia in the first place. On one occasion, my mum even recommended finding an escort to sort of remove the phobia in one go, ---- but I vito'd that idea as I can't imagine anything more horrific than spending the night with someone with no emotional connection whatsoever.

Are there any online articals I could use for this? or any exercizes I could follow and practice with?

It was suggested at one point that I ask a female friend to help with this, just helping me get used to physical affection and none s/xual touchk, but there isn't anyone I know currently who lives close who I'd trust, indeed the only person I feel I could! ask about that lives an extremely long way away.


Edited by dark empathy (06/24/12 04:39 AM)

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