Dave, you didn't find the hose because the Force knew how much you had to give and how strong you are.
Mr. Ed, brother, I hope therapy works for you. I am not a therapist, I am a counselor for high school age and early college kids. But I tell them the first time I see them that if there is any chance for me to be of help they need to help me--I am not a mind reader, so I can only work with what they give me, then I can walk with them as we together try to finds some new ways of thinking and acting.
So I encourage you to be frank with your T and if you decide after 8 or 9 sessions that he or she is not the one for you, look for another one. I just did that myself. Not easy, but necessary.
Since the burning isn't working to make you feel ok, why not try something positive, like exercise, learning to play a musical instrument or to sing, perhaps you might like to try acting iwith a local group. Have you ever tried to express yourself in painting, or pottery, painting ceramics? Look at the number of guys here you write some really fine poetry. Maybe you would enjoy that. Burning isn't working for you. so don't get stuck there--go to something else, something that is not a way of punishing yourself for something you had no way to stop.
Remember, is a perp wants to molest even a huge guy like Shaq--he will find a way to do it. You are an innocent victim of savagery. There is nothing to punish yourself for. I honestly think that if there was some one fast painful thing we could do and then we would feel really well, we would all do that. But there is no such thing. There is just slow difficult therapy with a bright, compassionate therapist.
My new one is a women. Women T's in the past have been better for me than some of the men, although not all.
Again, I found answer to my questions that I could find no where else, in Richard Gartners book BETRAYED AS BOYS. If your library doesn't have iit, ask them to get it.
Take care friend, really good days are a head for you, and us.
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.