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#400929 - 06/19/12 09:30 PM .
TimHorton Offline


Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 44
.


Edited by TimHorton (06/26/12 10:08 AM)

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#400944 - 06/19/12 11:21 PM Re: Should I give him this letter? [Re: TimHorton]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
If you do send it (and I'll let survivors weigh in before I do) put the last paragraph first. It's your case. I love you. I see the best in you even when you aren't behaving the best.

Some guys need to be cruel and pick fights and create distance in order to act out. I don't know That is what he is doing. What does your gut say. Trust your gut. I know it's list in all this mess but listen hard and it will come back.

Hugs to you my friend. Be kind to yourself even if he isn't kind to you.
_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#400966 - 06/20/12 02:06 AM Re: Should I give him this letter? [Re: TimHorton]
Pie Offline


Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 61
Hi Tim

I was lucky enough to read your post prior to you deleting it.

I did not respond straight away, due to myself having two schools of thought. Firstly as GH states move the last paragraph first and it is a very heartfelt emotional letter. Your pain and desperation is clear.

My second thought process was using the co dependent principles and actually detaching from him. Showing him that he is not the be all and end all of your exsistance. Often when you step away from an abusive situation and show some strength, the other party draws closer. My husband enjoyed manipulating me and making sure I was dependant on him for everything. Even attention, although it was negative and hurtful it was the only attention I received. When the children and I pulled away from him completely he was in total shock. He has realised that we don't NEED him, we WANT him.

Don't blame yourself, peace will come.
Pie

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#401062 - 06/20/12 05:01 PM Re: Should I give him this letter? [Re: TimHorton]
mmfan Offline


Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 114
I was fortunate to catch your letter too before you deleted it. I wanted to respond thoughtfully when I had a bit of time. I thought you were very brave writing what was in your heart. Its never a bad thing to be emotionally honest. A letter gives a person a chance to think it over. I like pie's advice also. Sometimes "showing" is more powerful than "telling." If appealing to him with words isn't working, then perhaps simply changing your behavior will get his attention. I know my survivor is very attuned to routines and patterns, and any shift in the pattern of my behavior will get his attention very quickly (for better or worse!)
Good luck, let us know how it turns out.

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#401091 - 06/20/12 09:52 PM Re: Should I give him this letter? [Re: TimHorton]
TimHorton Offline


Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 44
.


Edited by TimHorton (06/26/12 10:06 AM)

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#401093 - 06/20/12 10:08 PM Re: Should I give him this letter? [Re: TimHorton]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
My dear, you may not be able to hear what I am saying now, but just tuck it away into your heart until you are ready.

You are not an idiot. You are not a piece of shit. You are not abusive (you didn't mean to hit him).

You are trying to have a normal relationship with an unhealthy person. It cannot be done. It cannot. You tried everything you knew how and unless he is willing and able to reach out to you, there can be no reconciliation.

I don't doubt for one second your pain. I describe the feeling of wanting to die as more of a desire to not wake up vs. I would take steps to make it all end. It is suffocating, and oppressive and it will pass.

Take the break. Focus on getting well yourself. Do the things you have postponed. Let him know you still care. Let him know you don't want it to be over. Let him know you still love him. But take the opportunity to live life on an even keel for a while.

I'm so very sorry. But the story isn't over til it's over. If you are a praying person, pray for guidance, discernment, wisdom, forgiveness. Pray for healing for him. Pray for a change of heart in him, but take the the steps you need to take for you.
_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#401211 - 06/21/12 06:40 PM Re: Should I give him this letter? [Re: TimHorton]
TimHorton Offline


Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 44
.


Edited by TimHorton (06/26/12 10:06 AM)

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#401222 - 06/21/12 08:19 PM Re: Should I give him this letter? [Re: TimHorton]
HappyDays Offline


Registered: 06/16/12
Posts: 28
Tim,
I am a survior and I have myself pushed away people I love not nowing why at the time, today I know why. One caused a devorce and the second one the was a great love I miss her dearly today. I can say until he want the help really wants the help and come to termers with himself, the effects of the absue in realationship and his action there was nothing you could have done. I am sorry for your lost no one should go through what your are going through.
_________________________
Anything and all things are possible when you understand the feelings coming from you heart

Courage, honor, respect = strength!!!!

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#401307 - 06/22/12 04:08 PM Re: Should I give him this letter? [Re: TimHorton]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
Hi TH,

I didn't get to read your letter but I have read what you have written after.

For the record, I don't believe for a second he is breaking up because of that fight. He is, in my opinion, deflecting responsibility onto you because he feels so shitty about himself. After all we wives have been through, pulleassssssssssse! It ain't about that my friend. that is just something easy for him to blame it on and make u seem like the bad guy. My hubby has done crap like that to me before.

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#401363 - 06/23/12 12:30 AM Re: Should I give him this letter? [Re: TimHorton]
TimHorton Offline


Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 44
.


Edited by TimHorton (06/26/12 10:06 AM)

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#401374 - 06/23/12 01:27 AM Re: Should I give him this letter? [Re: TimHorton]
TimHorton Offline


Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 44
.


Edited by TimHorton (06/26/12 10:06 AM)

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#401376 - 06/23/12 01:34 AM Re: Should I give him this letter? [Re: TimHorton]
TheTwoOfUs Offline


Registered: 11/03/11
Posts: 149
Loc: USA
Hello.

He's scared. And he's triggered. That's what this sounds like. Something triggered him, and he's not yet quite ready to deal with the root of the problems, so he's looking for a way out, ANY way out that he feels can justify him leaving, to avoid dealing with it.

Coming at this from the perspective of an ASA survivor - he isn't ready to deal with the issue yet, but his mind is not letting him retreat from it anymore. So in the lack of working internal retreat mechanisms, he is now reaching for external retreat mechanisms.

That is what this sounds like. I have done the same in the past. Be patient with him, I think, but don't be a doormat, either. You definitely need to keep yourself in one piece and keep your boundaries intact. You can't help him if you aren't taking care of yourself.


Edited by TheTwoOfUs (06/23/12 01:35 AM)
_________________________
Matthew

Adapt. Overcome. Survive.

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#401380 - 06/23/12 01:47 AM Re: Should I give him this letter? [Re: TheTwoOfUs]
TimHorton Offline


Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 44
.


Edited by TimHorton (06/26/12 10:07 AM)

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#401447 - 06/23/12 02:54 PM Re: Should I give him this letter? [Re: TimHorton]
mmfan Offline


Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 114
Sorry to hear things have gone this direction TimHorton. It does sound like he's been triggered by this physical altercation. What clues me in that this is a trigger, is that his reaction is out of proportion to the actual event. This is something I have learned the hard way, when I am being made to feel like I murdered someone.

His behavior must really hurt you, but try to remember he is not being cruel on purpose, he is trying to protect himself from what his mind feels is a threat on his life. He may literally feel as if a knife was pulled on him. That might sound outrageous but it captures the magnitude of what a trigger can feel like. This is NOT YOUR FAULT, you didn't put those triggers there in the first place. You accidentally activated one.

Its important to own our behavior and take responsibility for how we contributed to the situation, but we shouldn't own more than what's truly ours. It sounds like you are owning that you did this. You did not mean to and yet it happened. No more and no less. You feel regret and have apologized and are committed to it not happening again. Frankly that is all he can expect from an imperfect human being much like himself. The rest is up to him, and his triggers.
Don't feel guilty for crushing his soul, you haven't and he will recover as his trigger subsides.

That said, sometimes triggers are so strong that the survivor takes drastic and lasting measures to "protect" themselves, like severing a relationship. frown I've seen men post here, who severed relationships in the past, only to regret it years later. I truly hope he can get a handle on his triggers quickly enough to see what he's doing. If not, it means he has a lot of healing to do.

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#401469 - 06/23/12 07:53 PM Re: Should I give him this letter? [Re: TimHorton]
TimHorton Offline


Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 44
.


Edited by TimHorton (06/26/12 10:07 AM)

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#401484 - 06/23/12 11:31 PM Re: Should I give him this letter? [Re: TimHorton]
mmfan Offline


Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 114
My advice is yes, perhaps better to stop apologizing/crying, because right now it's all he can do to cope with his own triggers, and trying to handle your emotions as well, could feel overwhelming to him.

I know how it feels to walk on eggshells like that, my survivor is the same, triggered so much of the time that literally if I am not perfect it sets off a chain reaction. It's exhausting.



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#401487 - 06/23/12 11:46 PM Re: Should I give him this letter? [Re: TimHorton]
TimHorton Offline


Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 44
.


Edited by TimHorton (06/26/12 10:07 AM)

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#401507 - 06/24/12 08:43 AM Re: Should I give him this letter? [Re: Pie]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Originally Posted By: Pie


My second thought process was using the co dependent principles and actually detaching from him. Showing him that he is not the be all and end all of your existence. Often when you step away from an abusive situation and show some strength, the other party draws closer. My husband enjoyed manipulating me and making sure I was dependent on him for everything. Even attention, although it was negative and hurtful it was the only attention I received. When the children and I pulled away from him completely he was in total shock. He has realised that we don't NEED him, we WANT him.

Don't blame yourself, peace will come.
Pie


I believe Pie has it right. Detach. Quit hanging all over him, and telling him you're sorry. Let him engage in the masculine role of coming after you. It will take a while, but if you aren't hanging all over him and apologizing constantly, and instead detached, eventually, he'll come to you. That's how men work. As Dr. Gray says in his Venus and Mars book, let him stay in his cave a while, and let him decide when he wants to come out. Going in the cave, all you're going to find is a BEAR!

Best wishes,
D.
_________________________
Female.

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#401531 - 06/24/12 11:14 AM Re: Should I give him this letter? [Re: TimHorton]
TimHorton Offline


Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 44
.


Edited by TimHorton (06/26/12 10:07 AM)

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#401543 - 06/24/12 12:46 PM Re: Should I give him this letter? [Re: TimHorton]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 307
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi Tim Horton,

When we have been sexually abused, things that didn't bother us in the least can be now be something that triggers. An example-one of my nieces wanted to give me a hug, I just snapped when she stepped inside "my territory." After it happened, I couldn't believe what had happened.

Many of us have kept the abuse hidden for years if not decades. Over this time, even though we kept the abuse hidden, something will sometimes trigger us. It could be a smell, somebody that reminds us of an abuser, even a TV show which was my case.

He is fighting all these demons from years ago. As a result, he is trying to fight his way through the abuse as well as dealing with domestic matters.

Unfortunatly, healing is a long and bumpy road with lots of detours. Just remember that all detours will eventually lead back onto the main road even though not as fast as we want. The detours will get shorter and shorter as he gets further into his treatment.

It will get better and better over time. Just look for little advances and the little will get bigger and bigger. If he doesn't have a councellor, I would strongly recommend he get one as soon as possible.

As well, there are several good books available such as "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew and "Abused Boys" by Mic Hunter as well as books for the partners of abused children.


Edited by Sailor John (06/24/12 12:47 PM)
_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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#401623 - 06/24/12 11:34 PM Re: Should I give him this letter? [Re: TimHorton]
TimHorton Offline


Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 44
.


Edited by TimHorton (06/26/12 10:08 AM)

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#401667 - 06/25/12 11:37 AM Re: Should I give him this letter? [Re: TimHorton]
TimHorton Offline


Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 44
.


Edited by TimHorton (06/26/12 10:08 AM)

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#401717 - 06/26/12 12:11 AM Re: Should I give him this letter? [Re: TimHorton]
TimHorton Offline


Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 44
.


Edited by TimHorton (06/26/12 10:08 AM)

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