Newest Members
Anony_mous, Drew6991x, Miro, jj843, The Abyss
12364 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Bear (42), BoyNoMore (56), Daniel_05 (40), James Landrith (44), john kay (41)
Who's Online
5 registered (5 invisible), 18 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12364 Members
74 Forums
63543 Topics
443971 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#400929 - 06/19/12 09:30 PM .
TimHorton Offline


Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 44
.


Edited by TimHorton (06/26/12 10:08 AM)

Top
#400944 - 06/19/12 11:21 PM Re: Should I give him this letter? [Re: TimHorton]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 415
If you do send it (and I'll let survivors weigh in before I do) put the last paragraph first. It's your case. I love you. I see the best in you even when you aren't behaving the best.

Some guys need to be cruel and pick fights and create distance in order to act out. I don't know That is what he is doing. What does your gut say. Trust your gut. I know it's list in all this mess but listen hard and it will come back.

Hugs to you my friend. Be kind to yourself even if he isn't kind to you.
_________________________
Wife of a survivor

Top
#400966 - 06/20/12 02:06 AM Re: Should I give him this letter? [Re: TimHorton]
Pie Offline


Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 61
Hi Tim

I was lucky enough to read your post prior to you deleting it.

I did not respond straight away, due to myself having two schools of thought. Firstly as GH states move the last paragraph first and it is a very heartfelt emotional letter. Your pain and desperation is clear.

My second thought process was using the co dependent principles and actually detaching from him. Showing him that he is not the be all and end all of your exsistance. Often when you step away from an abusive situation and show some strength, the other party draws closer. My husband enjoyed manipulating me and making sure I was dependant on him for everything. Even attention, although it was negative and hurtful it was the only attention I received. When the children and I pulled away from him completely he was in total shock. He has realised that we don't NEED him, we WANT him.

Don't blame yourself, peace will come.
Pie

Top
#401062 - 06/20/12 05:01 PM Re: Should I give him this letter? [Re: TimHorton]
mmfan Offline


Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 114
I was fortunate to catch your letter too before you deleted it. I wanted to respond thoughtfully when I had a bit of time. I thought you were very brave writing what was in your heart. Its never a bad thing to be emotionally honest. A letter gives a person a chance to think it over. I like pie's advice also. Sometimes "showing" is more powerful than "telling." If appealing to him with words isn't working, then perhaps simply changing your behavior will get his attention. I know my survivor is very attuned to routines and patterns, and any shift in the pattern of my behavior will get his attention very quickly (for better or worse!)
Good luck, let us know how it turns out.

Top
#401091 - 06/20/12 09:52 PM Re: Should I give him this letter? [Re: TimHorton]
TimHorton Offline


Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 44
.


Edited by TimHorton (06/26/12 10:06 AM)

Top
#401093 - 06/20/12 10:08 PM Re: Should I give him this letter? [Re: TimHorton]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 415
My dear, you may not be able to hear what I am saying now, but just tuck it away into your heart until you are ready.

You are not an idiot. You are not a piece of shit. You are not abusive (you didn't mean to hit him).

You are trying to have a normal relationship with an unhealthy person. It cannot be done. It cannot. You tried everything you knew how and unless he is willing and able to reach out to you, there can be no reconciliation.

I don't doubt for one second your pain. I describe the feeling of wanting to die as more of a desire to not wake up vs. I would take steps to make it all end. It is suffocating, and oppressive and it will pass.

Take the break. Focus on getting well yourself. Do the things you have postponed. Let him know you still care. Let him know you don't want it to be over. Let him know you still love him. But take the opportunity to live life on an even keel for a while.

I'm so very sorry. But the story isn't over til it's over. If you are a praying person, pray for guidance, discernment, wisdom, forgiveness. Pray for healing for him. Pray for a change of heart in him, but take the the steps you need to take for you.
_________________________
Wife of a survivor

Top
#401211 - 06/21/12 06:40 PM Re: Should I give him this letter? [Re: TimHorton]
TimHorton Offline


Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 44
.


Edited by TimHorton (06/26/12 10:06 AM)

Top
#401222 - 06/21/12 08:19 PM Re: Should I give him this letter? [Re: TimHorton]
HappyDays Offline


Registered: 06/16/12
Posts: 28
Tim,
I am a survior and I have myself pushed away people I love not nowing why at the time, today I know why. One caused a devorce and the second one the was a great love I miss her dearly today. I can say until he want the help really wants the help and come to termers with himself, the effects of the absue in realationship and his action there was nothing you could have done. I am sorry for your lost no one should go through what your are going through.
_________________________
Anything and all things are possible when you understand the feelings coming from you heart

Courage, honor, respect = strength!!!!

Top
#401307 - 06/22/12 04:08 PM Re: Should I give him this letter? [Re: TimHorton]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 360
Hi TH,

I didn't get to read your letter but I have read what you have written after.

For the record, I don't believe for a second he is breaking up because of that fight. He is, in my opinion, deflecting responsibility onto you because he feels so shitty about himself. After all we wives have been through, pulleassssssssssse! It ain't about that my friend. that is just something easy for him to blame it on and make u seem like the bad guy. My hubby has done crap like that to me before.

Top
#401363 - 06/23/12 12:30 AM Re: Should I give him this letter? [Re: TimHorton]
TimHorton Offline


Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 44
.


Edited by TimHorton (06/26/12 10:06 AM)

Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.