My dear, you may not be able to hear what I am saying now, but just tuck it away into your heart until you are ready.
You are not an idiot. You are not a piece of shit. You are not abusive (you didn't mean to hit him).
You are trying to have a normal relationship with an unhealthy person. It cannot be done. It cannot. You tried everything you knew how and unless he is willing and able to reach out to you, there can be no reconciliation.
I don't doubt for one second your pain. I describe the feeling of wanting to die as more of a desire to not wake up vs. I would take steps to make it all end. It is suffocating, and oppressive and it will pass.
Take the break. Focus on getting well yourself. Do the things you have postponed. Let him know you still care. Let him know you don't want it to be over. Let him know you still love him. But take the opportunity to live life on an even keel for a while.
I'm so very sorry. But the story isn't over til it's over. If you are a praying person, pray for guidance, discernment, wisdom, forgiveness. Pray for healing for him. Pray for a change of heart in him, but take the the steps you need to take for you.
Wife of a survivor