My husband is a sexual abuse survivor. He has just recently told me about it because our marriage was over due to him acting out on his ssa. I hope to gain support and advice as we go through the healing journey.

Welcome. I hope you find what you need here.

Hi lostpartner

Sorry that you need to be here at MS.org, but we are glad that you have found us.

Remember that the partners go through just as much during this process as the survivors do, and often the partners try to wing it through.
So if I can give you advice now as someone who's has been through this with his Wife, PLEASE GET HELP for yourself.

There are groups like Al-Anon, and CODA in the States, there is also a book called Co-Dependent no more. You might think that you are not Co-Dependent, but just the fact that you now want to stay with him and help him means you are. NOTHING BAD with it, just be aware of it and avoid the pitfalls.
And make sure that you get your husband into therapy as well, he might not want to do this, but in love you will have to convince him that it is the right thing.

Heal well
Martin
Please make sure that you get healthy support for yourself.

Thanks for the welcome. My first therapy appointment is this week and he has been in therapy for a couple of weeks himself. I think he was in denial when he first told me about the abuse, but he has accepted it and wants to heal, he is trying to learn the tools to win the battle.

HI Lostpartner32, good luck and welcome.

Hi Lostpartner,

Welcome to MS.

I am glad you have found this place of healing and support.

You are both in therapy and that is great. It will help both of you immensely. Hopefully you are each seeing a therapist who specializes in trauma and / or sexual abuse. A marriage therapist is not the kind of therapist that will be helpful to either of you.

Same-sex attraction is one of the many consequences of sexual abuse. It is a confusing and troubling experience. Often, if it is acted upon, it is done as a result to try to "master" the abuse that was experienced - to gain a sense of control over it. There is more information about SSA here.

The best way to help your husband is to give him information. Just leave the information for him - do NOT ask him if he has "looked" into any of it. When he is ready he will investigate the resources. The same goes for the books. Leave them where he can see them, but do not tell him you bought them for him. Tell them you bought them because you are interested in learning about the sexual abuse of males - but ONLY say that if it is the truth. If he wants to read them, let him. But do not force him to do so.

You may want to leave the name and web address of this site on a piece of paper for your husband. Do not ask him if he has visited this site or if he has created an account, to do so is a violation of his privacy. Sometimes it takes people a long time before they join the site. Some will read without ever joining, and some find what is here to be too triggering. If he tells you he has joined, congratulate him for taking a very big step. Do NOT as him for his screen name.

There are many books written for the significant others of male survivors. I am sure those who frequent the Friends & Family forum will be able to recommend the titles they found most helpful. You will be able to find the books here.

Dealing with this stuff is not easy, not for the survivor, and certainly not for the person who loves him. But it can and does get better. A lot of energy and committment is required to achieve the desired results.

It will be a rough road for each of you, but the rewards are immeasurable.

Avail yourself of the bounty of resources this site has to offer. If you have not found it yet, there is also a chat room (aka: the lounge) which includes a room just for friends and family.


Again, welcome to MS.




Anomalous

Thanks everyone for the welcoming words. I hope to gain a lot of insight here about our situation. I recently joined another website for partners and immediately was judged for our situation. Had someone respond and tell me that my husband was gay and there was no other reason for his ssa. Because of that I W's a little weary about joining here, but feel very welcome and safe here. My husband is already a member of this site, and I do know his screen name, but by his own choice. He wants no more secrets between us because secrets are what almost ended our marriage.