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#40086 - 02/02/03 05:01 PM Supposed to consult with therapist Monday.
MrEdd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/24/03
Posts: 316
Loc: Texas
I hope I Dont chicken out. This is such a load of crap. I dont think I can talk to a man about being F***ed by a man when I was little. I want to just burn my arms again and escape into the ecstasy of the burn only everything doesnt work anymore and I just want it to all go away.

_________________________
Some Things are not problems to be solved, rather, they are facts which must be coped with over time.

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#40087 - 02/02/03 05:38 PM Re: Supposed to consult with therapist Monday.
al Offline
Member

Registered: 01/08/03
Posts: 143
Loc: canada
MrEdd what makes you think you deserve the punishment of scarring yourself for life? It was not your fault, you do NOT deserve punishment, you do not deserve any more scars or reminders than you already have. Please try to find a way to stop associating the abuse with a need to punish or hurt yourself. Yes I am talking from experience. No I don't always succeed. But you've got to try. Burning will only make you feel better for a moment but you will feel that much worse afterward. It will just give you more scars to remind you more often of what happened and how it is holding you back. Take the matches candle torch whatever and throw them in the bathtub and fill it with water. I'm serious.... see if you can do it....

_________________________
Those who dance appear insane to those who cannot hear the music. Mark Kleiman

Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it. Winston Churchill

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#40088 - 02/02/03 07:23 PM Re: Supposed to consult with therapist Monday.
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Mr Ed. By escaping into the burn you are perpetuating the lie that it was your fault and deserve punishment. It was NOT your fault and YOU are not to blame. The others were predators and worked as a gang. Really strong guys eh. But they shut you up. For how long?? Believe whatever that time was it was not worth it. You say you just want it to go away. We all do. Right now it is your dirty little secret that you keep to yourself just as I did mine. When you tell someone else, especially a person trained in the field, it becomes more of a horrible crime upon a young helpless male that was inflicted by some so called normal pieces of shit. Healing starts with freedom. Do not be afraid to unburden yourself. The only thing to fear is fear itself. I welcome you to your road to recovery. Stick around. You will find you are not alone and that we are all together in this to help one another.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#40089 - 02/03/03 08:15 AM Re: Supposed to consult with therapist Monday.
Richard Gartner, PhD Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/20/00
Posts: 402
Loc: New York, NY, USA
MrEdd -- You already are talking to the men here about what that man did to you. Sounds like it has felt safe enough for you to continue. I hope you make it to your appointment and find that this male therapist is as nonjudgmental and caring as the guys here.

And, by the way, welcome to this site. Let us know how it goes.

Richard Gartner
President
MaleSurvivor

_________________________
www.richardgartner.com

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#40090 - 02/03/03 06:28 PM Re: Supposed to consult with therapist Monday.
MrEdd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/24/03
Posts: 316
Loc: Texas
I Managed to go but biggest accomplishment was getting myself to walk inside. I didn't feel like his responses were completely connected to my situation. Like everything required a set of pat answers that could be applied to every client. Maybe I'm too foggy to evaluate clearly. I only managed to slept an hour last night.

_________________________
Some Things are not problems to be solved, rather, they are facts which must be coped with over time.

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#40091 - 02/03/03 06:41 PM Re: Supposed to consult with therapist Monday.
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Mr. Ed. It may seem that that is what it was like but as you said it was all a bit of a fog. Man that was a huge leap for you to go in the door. It shows a real determination to heal and get rid of the self loathing, self directed anger and need to punish yourself. Be patient. It will take time. Remeber that son of a bitch robbed you of your self respect and a whole lot of happiness. My perps told me they were only giving me what I wanted. Fuck am I mad about that. Talk about the power of suggestion and I was a helpless young teenager. I really believed that it was my fault and that I must be some sort of low life and scum and that if anyone knew the would have nothing to do with me. What a crock of shit those assholes pushed on to me. I dont know how it happened with you but I will bet that you were coerced into it some way. They are goddamned devious. Remember at all times IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. You have taken the first step and it was a good one. Keep at it, brother, and I do mean brother. We are all in it with you like family. Feel free to contact me anytime you like. We can share the feelings that were forced upon us and you will realize that you, unfortunately, are in a fairly large family that have been and are where you are. It took real guts for you to do what you did today and that my friend shows, that no matter what, you are gonna get over what that son of a bitch piece of shit did to you. Keep it up.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#40092 - 02/03/03 07:03 PM Re: Supposed to consult with therapist Monday.
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Mr Edd
I remember those steps, shakey legs and a cold sweat.
I remember sitting there looking at a stranger and asking myself "What the fuck am I doing here ?"

That was about 4 years ago, and every time I went through the door I asked the same thing until one day I asked myself "Why not ?"

I do know how hard it is, and I also know how good it is.

Dave ;\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#40093 - 02/03/03 10:28 PM Re: Supposed to consult with therapist Monday.
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
Dave,
Was that when you realized that you were at the very bottom of the shit pile? I asked myself "why not" when I realized I had nothing to lose.
mike

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

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#40094 - 02/04/03 01:38 PM Re: Supposed to consult with therapist Monday.
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Mike
no...I think the bottom of my shit pile was May 8 1998.
A very public / high risk acting out followed by a frantic search for a length of hose big enough to fit over my Landcruiser exhaust.
When I couldn't find any I just broke up on the garage floor for a couple of hours. I was far too big a coward to do anything painful so not finding a pipe just finished me.

I remember feeling so fucking useless because I couldn't even do that simple thing. My garage is a big workshop where I build my 4x4's and it's full of stuff, there was hose in there and I knew it.
But my rage and confusion got the better of me and I couldn't find it. I've never felt so utterly useless in my life.

Bad day.....

Dave \:\(

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#40095 - 02/05/03 01:53 AM Re: Supposed to consult with therapist Monday.
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
Wow Dave! I'm so glad you couldn't find that hose. Your presence here has been inspiring for me and you've touched me in a lot of ways. So maybe we can go 4x4ing when you're out this way sometime. It would be fun.
mike

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

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