This quote was on the Male Survivors forum but I did not wish to hijack the thread so I added my thoughts here.

I absolutely liked this statement. I am thankful as a man who happens to be gay that I can say the same for myself. That after years of my own wanderings that I have found what you speak of here. And that I am capable of feeling and accepting deeper feelings from another. Casual sex does not interest me any longer but intimacy and making love appeal to me now. I never thought it possible and I am a bit stunned at myself now. But I oh so like it.


Daryl

So how did you get to his point! :)please share

That is a good question and one I have been pondering of late.

My history after the rape in my late twenties was one of either to shut down sexually or go into hyper drive with random encounters. This latter escalated to where I sought out dangerous and abusive men. I also met and dated some really great men but always ended it. I guess someone being good to me was not what I was looking for at the time. I had resigned myself to the way I was living my life and could not ever see growing beyond that.

I have had many therapists over the years but with my last one I was finally more open and honest. I shared things I had never done so with any other threrapist. I was at the point of being so tired of my life and the pain I was carrying around with me. Together we dug deep into areas I had never looked at or faced honestly.

I hated myself for how I was living and the random acts I did with other men. I was not ashamed of being gay. I knew I was before the assault and had just come out a few months before the attack. But my identity was very screwed up into the sex. I would wonder how I could stop this addictive behavior. I worked on it but lately I have seen that it was the overall work on me that affected my sex life. I have more respect for myself now and like more of me. I still hate parts of who I am but I see that there are some decent things about me that are worth respecting and honoring.

My inward work on me as a man, gay or not, has produced the changes in me I think. The full force attack of facing so many issues in my life has allowed this change to occur. It began with pulling away from seeking out abusive men and dangerous encounters. I was surprised at that alone. It progressed to feelings and emotions instead of just the physical nature of being with another man. I found I preferred the intimacy rather than the sex with a man. I found that I could allow a man to care for me deeply and that I could care. I actually did not have the urge to run away from a man who wanted more than just sex with me.

It took a lot of work with my last therapist and to continue that work when I could not afford to attend the sessions anymore. I took the basics and stayed on it and over time a lot finally took hold for me.

Now I am faced with what to do to fill the void of time that I would fill with random sex. I find myself bored, stressed and thinking about it. But with the thought comes an ill feeling to go back to that life. So I am finding ways to not run to my former avenue of destruction. I am not arrogant enough to think I could not fall but I feel pretty secure right now. I have in times of stress and dissappointment tried to go to the places where I would meet random and abusive men. I have parked my car and sat there but the appeal just was not there. So I practice the thirty minute rule concerning craving a cupcake. Will I still be hungry for it in thirty minutes?

I appreciate your asking this of me since I have pondered posting something on the progress forum. I feel good about the changes in me. I like that I can feel again and do so on an even deeper level than I did in my twenties. I have long sought to reconnect to me "back then". I think this has been a huge step.

I must admit - this made me smile writing it out.


Daryl

proud of you d!