My husband, who is in therapy after finally coming forward about his CSA 6 months ago, crashed hard this week. He gets, up, goes to work, but when he comes home, and has to deal with the thoughts in his head, every night becomes a literal nightmare.

Our gun is out of the house, but he has a history of cutting, so knives aren't out of the question for him.

He was up for hours last night saying how I had to know that it is "only a matter of time" before he killed himself. He reiterates over and over that he is no good for me, his friends, his family...

A message was sent to his therapist, but on weekends we are advised to call 911 for psychiatric emergencies.

I don't think he has a strong desire to die, but he has certainly shown he can hurt/cut himself.

I don't know what to do, to say, when he is like this. It doesn't feel serious enough to call 911, and if it did, there's the risk of him losing his license to work in his industry - his work is a refuge. He loves it and to not be able to do it would crush him further.

I dread him coming home tonight. Not sure what to do...

Only a specialist can truly handle the situation. He needs to talk to someone--the therapist, a hotline. We all have horrible nights--the memories begin to flood in, the flashbacks--makes one feel like they are reliving the abuse. I would pray to die in my sleep, I could not take my own life, but thought death was better than living. The pain can be unbearable--I found talking it out, writing my thoughts helped with the pain and began to open the wounds. As the T said, I was letting the poison out.

But with his feelings of taking his life, he needs to speak with someone, with the pain and hurt of facing the past, it can be excruciating. Hotlines can be helpful to him.

Good luck

Take any talk of suicide seriously. Does he have a plan? If so then he is at high risk and do call 911. The concerns about work etc are bridges to be crossed later, and only if he stays alive. If he doesnt yet have a plan, then allowing him to talk about it openly without fear of freakout or judgement may decrease his risk. Sometimes just talking about it can release a pressure valve. Get him to promise not to hurt himself until he can talk to his therapist Monday. Also with my survivor I have found that telling him honestly (and very gently) how his death would affect me, has helped "snap him out of it" at times. I think he truly believes at times that I would be happier with him gone, which couldn't be further from the truth.

He put his own bike lock on the gun and gave me the key before I just completely removed the gun from the house. I try to get him to talk about it or anything else he wants to talk about but he just gets circular about how he cannot be married, that he is too damaged, too screwed up, etc.

He says he beyond hope and that things will not get better. I have been advised to not try to encourage him that it will get better so WHAT exactly to do I say or do during these moments??

I can hear that you're at a loss Valkyrie, it's a very hard situation for a supporter to be in.

We've had many many convos about suicide. What seems to work for us is just listening and honoring his pain. Statements like "I can see how much pain you're in" or "Things are really dark right now" or "It's so hard sometimes to see a way through" seem to let him feel heard.

Just checking in Valkyrie and hoping you guys did ok through the weekend. Let us know how you're doing if you get a chance.

Valkyrie ...

I've been through this with my survivor, who also self-harmed (burning though, not cutting).

Please take his words VERY seriously. He's probably had the thought hundreds of times recently before he said anything to you. This kind of talk is NOT cheap or meaningless.

Here are some great suggestions from another survivor who has taken suicide prevention training and has worked in some capacity in that field. This was a response to a thread I started late last year.

What you can do when he's talking about suicide

If you don't have time to read the link above right now, the key thing is LISTEN, and secondly, ask him questions.

I would also suggest that you get help for YOU. Going through this was beyond exhausting for me -- I definitely crossed the line into caregiver fatigue.

Some other information about supporting a loved one who has expressed suicidal thoughts or is suicidal

This is based on guidelines from the American Association of Suicidology and the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance:

1.Take the person seriously, be available to get involved and to listen.
2. Allow the person to express his or her feelings and try to accept the person for what he or she is; be empathetic, calm, and nonjudgmental.
3. Don't be afraid to speak openly about suicide; ask questions like, "Have you ever thought about hurting or killing yourself?" You can also offer concrete examples of what leads you to believe the person is close to suicide.
4. Express your concern for the person by listening attentively, maintaining eye contact, moving closer to the person, and touching the person or holding his or her hand if it seems appropriate.
5. Don't debate with the person, whether suicide is right or wrong or whether the person's feelings are good or bad; an argumentative or lecturing posture will distance you from the person.
6. Never challenge a potentially suicidal person to complete the act; don't dare him or her to do it.
7. Find out if the person has specific plans to carry out a suicidal action or has taken concrete steps to prepare to do so (such as gaining access to the means that might be used to end his or her life.)
8. Point out constructive alternatives that are available but do not offer glib reassurance; stress that suicide is most often a permanent solution for temporary problems.
9. Take action by removing the means (such as firearms or stockpiled pills) that the person might use to end his or her life.
10. Remind the person that although he or she is ultimately responsible for his or her actions, help is available, people do care, and you will try to make connections with helping resources.
11. Get help from people or agencies that are knowledgable about intervening in crises and preventing suicide.
12. Until you can get such help, try to stay with the person and not leave him or her alone. If you must leave, ask the person to make a contract with you or promise not to take any further steps to end his or her life until you can get help or can return to address the situation further.
13. Do not allow yourself to promise confidentiality or to be sworn to unconditional secrecy; such commitments should be contingent on a contract that the person not act before certain conditions that you set(such as seeking professional help) are met.

Thanks for sharing that information Eyesforward. Although there weren't many responses to this thread I'm guessing this is a very common situation for supporters, and it helps to have some guidance from those who have been there.

Hi all, sorry for dropping out like that.

We did make it through the weekend. I removed the gun from the house and sold it. While he was initially upset with me for doing so (he took it as a sign that I did not trust him to get better), he apologized later for scaring me the way he did.

The fact is, I did crash from caregiver fatigue. My husband is now away for the next few months working (he does well in this environment - it prevents him from being too much inside his head). And I seeking serious help for myself.

I am seeing a new therapist. I allowed myself to cry for a few days. Contacted the friends and family who know and told them I am in a bad place. Also added another trusted friend to that circle. Getting out of the house, taking care of my needs, and generally am regrouping.

My husband and I had a few good days before he left. He has been texting me while gone and last night something triggered him. I will definitely be checking out the link above.

Thank you all so much for the advice. It sucks that we are all in this situation, but good that we know we are not alone.