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#400662 - 06/17/12 06:33 AM Had it backwards!
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3420
Loc: somewhere in Africa
June 17, 2012 – Father’s Day – already past on this side of the world

Major triggers today – as I feared. So was it the fear that brought it on or was it something else? Started out by telling myself – it is just another day – like any other. Told myself – it has nothing to do with the 2 so-called “fathers” in your life. Neither one of them really was a father anyway.

The first was just my biological father – but he died just before I turned 3. From what I’ve heard, he was a great guy – but I never got to find out for myself. As a kid, when I thought about him, I just had an impression of absence. A hole, a void, a missing person, a loss… He was in heaven and I was on earth and there was no possible contact or communication or interaction between the two of us. He was distant, silent, untouchable, uninvolved.

The second was a step-father - my mother’s husband, who married her when I was 5 ˝. He fit all the stereotypes. Critical, cruel, angry, violent, abusive… He was a good provider – we had a materially comfortable life, but that was the best that could be said of him. So – not really a father either.

I tried to convince myself that I was the only father in the picture of my life. I have 3 kids and they are doing well and that is all that matters. But the years of conditioning was too much to overcome. We went to church and of course there was a message that focused on fathers – and then we went out for dinner and the restaurant was crowded with other families observing the day. I got really shaky and was practically losing it by the time we got out – couldn’t take the noise and confusion and frenzy and crowds. It was such a relief to get home and go into a quiet, nearly solitary environment and just try to pull myself back together. My wife was encouraging, supportive and understanding, for which I am thankful.

But something good did come out of this day. I realized that I have been thinking about everything backwards all my life. The fatherhood of God has always been a big obstacle for me. I know what it is supposed to mean – but I just couldn’t feel it or relate to it. No big surprise about that. Looking at the list of descriptive words that I used to define my feeling about my 2 so-called “fathers” – I came to the recognition that those adjectives were just the same as the ones I’d have used to describe God. I had been judging God by the way I felt about my biological father and my step-father. I guess it is no wonder – but it is so wrong. Actually, I should have been judging my 2 “fathers” by the attributes of God – not the other way around. Obviously, both failed – the step-father because he was nothing like God – except that he fed and clothed and housed me. And the biological father through no fault of his own.

It is an ongoing struggle for me to reconcile those attributes of God – His love, His power, His benevolence, His justice, His wisdom, His sovereignty – with some of the experiences I have had. I can definitely point to some events or circumstances and say – see, that is evidence of God’s intervention or a good gift from God or an answer to prayer. But others…? I believe in God’s perfection in the abstract, but I have some problems connecting those attributes to my specific situations and memories. I’m trying to let go of the tendency to want to judge God’s performance of His job. Been working at that for a while now. This new light will probably help.

At least I have finally got the comparison switched around the way it should be – the only way it makes sense – the way I should have understood way back when. How stupid is that – to define and equate God the Father with fallible human fathers? It reminds me of an Asian proverb that says that a pebble is tiny compared to a mountain, but if you hold the pebble too close to your eye, it will block out the mountain. All I could see before were the fallible dim shadows. Now maybe those will be burned away by this light.

Happy Father’s Day, Lord!
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#400667 - 06/17/12 07:45 AM Re: Had it backwards! [Re: traveler]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Almighty God encourages us to come to know him as Our Father. This term has been warped by our literal imperfect fathers as well by the title that has been perverted by some in religious circles who have assaulted and abused. We really do not know our "Father" Lee, and we need to understand him for the perfect, nurturing, loyal, loving, merciful Father he is for us.

I really have enjoyed this thought, thank you.
Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#400684 - 06/17/12 12:14 PM Re: Had it backwards! [Re: traveler]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 849
Loc: Kc,Mo
Sonship the path to fatherhood

Sonship the path to fatherhood
Read this book it will tell you all you need to no about the relationship and between God the Father and the son Jesus Christ
and why when we do not understand first this relationship it is impossible for us to grasp the relationship we are to have with our earthly fathers. We are to know how to become sons first before we can become fathers we must fist understand what it is like to be sons and understand what the relationships between sons are to be with their fathers . If you never have truly been a son than how can you understand fatherhood ? I never analyzed this before it helps to understand the sons role

This book changed my life in many ways study it and let me no what you think the author allows you to download it and read it but i suggest finding it online and reading it but either way i strongly suggest you read it . It is very profound in the way he describes this relationship and i think it i will help you build a better relationship with your on children and more importantly your relationship with God .


Sonship the path to fatherhood


Edited by nltsaved (06/17/12 12:20 PM)
Edit Reason: added more
_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-uYCAfpxrY
TRIGGER WARNING
Video of me telling my story
you are not alone never were
WRITTEN FORM
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=339159#Post339159
Why i hate Religion but love Jesus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY

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#400716 - 06/17/12 10:10 PM Re: Had it backwards! [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3420
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Thanks, Sam - for the affirmation

& NLT - thanks for the book referral. i'll get it.

both you guys have already helped me a lot in the past and i value every word from you.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#400837 - 06/19/12 02:07 AM Re: Had it backwards! [Re: traveler]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
Thanks for bringing the topic up I know there is no way I will ever be the Father Heavenly Father is to me, but I also know I can do much better than my dad did. I am just trying to plot a course between the two. Daughter just graduated from High School so I think I may have done good. Take care Mike

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