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#3998 - 08/08/03 10:22 AM Reclaiming a day in the life ******Possible TRIGGER*****
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Friends,

I have been thinking about this a lot lately and was wondering how you would answer this question. Oddly, as I write this, after reading the stories of so many, I have a tendency to judge my own story as being "not as bad". But I know in reality, that this is more about how I chose to survive my particular victimization. This "one day", the first of many such to follow, would ultimately lead me to situations where I was raped at knife point by a stranger, a world of drugs & drink, promiscuity etc. It was not a good situation. How I survived without disease or death is beyond me.

Question:

If you could go back in time and relive one day of your life, which one would you choose and why?

How would you have rewritten the day?


Myself, I would go back to the first day that my perp initiated me into sexual knowledge, sometime when I was about 12. Being the stronger person I am today, I would say,

-no you can't trick me into playing "sneak thief" with you
-no, I won't put your "thing" between my hands and rub back and forth until stuff comes out
-no, I don't care if you tell mom a lie about me to get me into trouble with her
-no, I don't care that you won't like me and will ignore me for the rest of my life

Then the next morning I would wake without having been baptized into the experience of sexual assault, and my own psyche would still be innocent and unsullied by such an act of power and rape.

I would go on to live my life without my greatest hope being that he would come again to ask me to be with him the next time.

I would go on to live my life not seeing all relationships as being primarily sexual.

I would go on to pursue a life of the mind and heart and spirit instead of the groin.

Thanks for allowing me to place my thoughts before you. I hope that you have heeded the trigger warning at the beginning.

Sincerely,

Ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#3999 - 08/08/03 01:46 PM Re: Reclaiming a day in the life ******Possible TRIGGER*****
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2259
Loc: Maryland USA
Ron,

Nathan asked a question like this not too long ago.

I have two answers. If I can proceed from the changed day to still meet my wife, have the family that I do, and meet you guys, then I'd change my reaction to my parents' announcement that they were getting divorced. Instead of deliberately heading out that night to get drunk for the first time in my life, I'd have continued in school and gone straight on to college. It was by trying to hurt my parents, particularly my mom, through my abusing alcohol that I got around to a relationship with the perp. I guess I learned early to hurt myself to "get back at" others. There had been a lot of violence and neglect before the divorce, so I came by it honestly.

It's fun to think of what might have been sometimes. I remember Marvel comics did a series of "What if?" volumes, with things like Peter Parker joining the Fantastic Four when he first met with them. Turned out in that alternate history Johnny Storm dies young.

My second answer won't require time travel. I can change today. Sometimes that's hard enough to keep me pretty busy.

As for your story being "not as bad," do you mean not as bad as physical death? I have a hard time comparing sexual abuse to anything else I can conjure up. The perp used my sexuality, intrinsic to my humanity, against me in a quest for some kind of dominance. Maybe your story fits that de>
_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#4000 - 08/08/03 02:15 PM Re: Reclaiming a day in the life ******Possible TRIGGER*****
zadok1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/02
Posts: 188
Loc: Ohio
to me changing the past seems a very dangerous thing. i have often wondered if i had run away, how different life would have been? if i hadnt allowed him to show me his 'games', wouldn't my life be completely different?

what if in those changes, i hadnt met my wife, hadnt been strengthened and driven by the abuse? what if i had never had my children? sure i would have spared them some pain in thier lives, because i am far from perfect, but they might not even be in my life.

no, i wouldnt want to go back. always onward and upward, never back.

_________________________
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein

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#4001 - 08/08/03 07:00 PM Re: Reclaiming a day in the life ******Possible TRIGGER*****
martin Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/08/03
Posts: 229
Loc: The Good Earth
Ron,

Interesting question I've heard it asked before, there are probably even some movies based on the idea, no doubt,

I've never considered it as it applies to me. I have to say no though. Simply because I can't recall any one single day that everything changed. It all started when I was so young. I don't think one day would do it, I'd still be with the same family.

I remember Nathan's post and still feel like I did then that if I could go back what I would change is just to be able to be a good, honest friend to that boy. Give him a place to be safe and be himself.

But if thats not to be, I'd like to say that the person that I like who I am more and more these days. Thats just as good!

Thanks for the question.

Take gentle care,

Aaron

_________________________
Its times like these we learn to live again,
Its times like these we give & give again,
Its times like these we learn to love again,
Its times like these time & time again.
-The Foo Fighters

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#4002 - 08/08/03 08:15 PM Re: Reclaiming a day in the life ******Possible TRIGGER*****
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
First, thank you to be so brave as to post of that, and be so open of it. I am most sorry that you have so much hurt, of others at you and you at yourself. I can relate as feeling it 'not so bad'. I ignore of all it for the 5 years after it ends, by telling myself it was 'not of importance' or 'not so bad'. And even now, I hear of people who have this done at them by family member, or of the ritual abuse, and I still feel guilty to be even bothered of this, because it is 'not so bad'.

I think 2 months ago, if asked this question, I would say I would change day I am born, because I feel like the abuse of my father make it easier for someone else to do worse at me later. But it is not that I want to be dead, which would change that answer.

I guess I would change the first day coach ever do anything sexual at me. I know that I could not change another behavior at me. But I could change of how I deal of it. I would tell my mom, I would tell my gran, I would tell someone and everyone I could, of what he do that day. Even if nothing happen at him, I would have taken back my control of that, I would not be at him for training any more, and nothing after that would happen at me from him. Instead, I am here now, still not having told anyone who knows him other of my best friend, who keeps my secret. But one day, I will do that, I will take him down of this. And even that, that 'someday', that is new and better thought for me.

Thank you again, to post this and have me think of this. I think I will journal of my thoughts on this. I wish you well.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#4003 - 08/10/03 02:18 AM Re: Reclaiming a day in the life ******Possible TRIGGER*****
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Ron,

For too many years I thought that what happened to me was 'not that bad', 'it happens to every kid', and 'nobody ever, ever talks about it'. I'll have to agree with some of the others here. Since I can't go back in time and stop him the first time he wanted to 'play our secret game', I'll just continue dealing with things day by day and getting better as time goes by. I wouldn't want to give up meeting my wife, havings my daughters, establishing my career, any of it. Sure, I wasn't the easiest person to live with while I was living with the memories of what happened. But finding out how supportive my wife was when I finally told here after 28 years of marriage, being able to cry about it, and being able to start healing is all part of my life. I can't imagine being me without all the ups and downs that created the me that's alive and kicking right now.

Take good care of yourselves,

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#4004 - 08/10/03 06:02 AM Re: Reclaiming a day in the life ******Possible TRIGGER*****
Sick Puppy Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 300
Loc: Nowhere Land
If I really could go back and change something, I think I would change being born.

It's not that I don't appreciate my life now, or that I can't find any happiness, but it's just that I can't think of a single other thing I could change that would make any difference at all. I could get rid of one day of my abuse, but what about all the others? There was no day it 'started.' It was always there. \:\(

_________________________
And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see


Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

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#4005 - 08/10/03 11:18 PM Re: Reclaiming a day in the life ******Possible TRIGGER*****
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
One single day! Such an innocent question. But for me there is a lot of danger in it. Because it makes me think in the past. Now dont get me wrong. It was not all bad. Far from it.
But if I think in the past I tend to live in the past and let the past influence now are more importantly tomorrow.

Now if I could change one thing that is a different story. I would definitely change my beliefs and emotions around my sexual assault, my perversions and my prostitution. If I had dont that 30 odd years ago I would be further ahead than I am now.

But I cannot so I dont think about it. I just continue slogging up this rough road towards my personal peace. Just like all my brothers here.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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