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#400450 - 06/14/12 08:05 PM Carried this for almost 25 years
LilGrace Offline


Registered: 06/14/12
Posts: 3
Before my husband and I were married, he told me that he had been sexually abused by a neighbor. This happened when he was 5, over a long period of time.

He has never disclosed this to another person aside from one elderly priest (who has since passed away).

I am reading stories here and shaking my head, because, there are other people out there who have experienced the same things. The lying, the hiding, the absolute insanity. I long for some peace.

Our marriage has had ups and downs, 3 separations, 2 suicide attempts, but we have a strong commitment and are in this for life. Will share more later, right now I am a little overwhelmed with reading the other posts.

I will pray for all of you and thank God that I found this place.

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#400458 - 06/14/12 10:06 PM Re: Carried this for almost 25 years [Re: LilGrace]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 849
Loc: Kc,Mo
God is good and faithful it was by no accident you found this place . This is a great place of healing and when your husband gets around to realizing just how many of us there are it sadly brings great comfort because as you said he has only told 2 people in his whole life. Opening up about this is huge . Check out boys and men healing this is a good place to start movie wise . Oprah did a show 200 men that had been sexually abused and it opened the eyes of many type in the google search oprah 200 men and it will take you right to the link . Just to sit down and get and idea of what it is like besides living with someone that has been abused . It could help you learn more about it.

God is faithful and as long as you are seeking you will find . This place is full of courageous men who are boldly going on this journey to find peace and meaning from this hell of abuse .
I pray also that you can find some peace by just understanding as much as you can about this terrible thing that has happen to your husband but it does not have to be this way forever with hared work and determination this can be overcome especially with Christ leading and guiding .

Peace and blessings
_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-uYCAfpxrY
TRIGGER WARNING
Video of me telling my story
you are not alone never were
WRITTEN FORM
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=339159#Post339159
Why i hate Religion but love Jesus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY

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#400459 - 06/14/12 10:15 PM Re: Carried this for almost 25 years [Re: LilGrace]
jorgea73 Offline


Registered: 12/03/10
Posts: 30
Loc: Southern California
Hi Grace,
You should ask your husband to log in to the forum. It is very helpful. I was abused when I was 4 years and am also married with a wife who has been very understanding with all my issues and problems over the years.

Thank you for being understanding of him.

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#400484 - 06/15/12 04:48 AM Re: Carried this for almost 25 years [Re: LilGrace]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Lilgrace

I am so sorry for your pain.
Please give us more info so that we can best guide you and assist you in your and your husbands healing journey.
Is he in therapy?
Is he still using, (Porn, alcohol, drugs, masturbation, prescription drugs etc.)
Has he told anybody else.
Does he realize that this is affecting his life
Does he think he is the only one that this has happened to.

There are tons of valuable resource on this site and on the web.
Try to get him to read the numerous blogs on the subject.
Mine is MatrixMen then there is an awesome site in the UK called www.amsosa.com.
If he starts to read the info out there and can draw similarities to his own life then this will help him to heal.

If you need any help PM me any-time

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#401444 - 06/23/12 02:05 PM Re: Carried this for almost 25 years [Re: LilGrace]
LilGrace Offline


Registered: 06/14/12
Posts: 3
Thank you for the kind responses.

No, no therapy. He has no insurance, and is not willing to go through the red tape process in our very small town to see the one place that does "sliding scale" payments for therapy. While he knows that this happens to others, he does not feel he will benefit from therapy.

He is a brilliant man, attended/graduated from uni on a full ride fine art scholarship, he will not paint or be involved in art at all. For many years I had a successful career and he was a SAHDad, when the crash it us 5 years ago, I lost my job. He blew through our savings in less than 6 months, we were almost homeless. He has had offers of decent jobs, will not make the effort to go for them, works part time for minimum wage. We live on the ragged edge of the poverty line now.

He is a functioning alcoholic.

While we did have a sex life at one time, from the time we were dating he felt he was almost asexual. We have not had sex now in years.

He has no interest in porn, never has.

He is deeply religious and has a strong prayer life but has also stopped attending Mass, stopped going to confession, etc.

He is obsessed with politics and with what I call the "obsession of the month club" (while they can last for years). Hot Wheels cars, model airplanes, maps, Star Trek, now it is railroads. He will spend literally every waking hour when he is not at work immersed in whatever the hobby/interest is.

So, I live, I exist from day to day.

Yesterday was our wedding anniversary. As always, not so much as a handshake and a package of gum from him to acknowledge it (same goes for birthdays, mother's day, valentine's day, Christmas...) I used to have my career, but, that is gone away as has so many others, I work a low pay secretary job now. We have no friends, they were all of a certain social level and we are not able to afford to hang with them anymore.

Sorry to be so down, I am simply very sad and very alone.

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#401456 - 06/23/12 04:14 PM Re: Carried this for almost 25 years [Re: LilGrace]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1349
Hi LilGrace,

I know your husband doesn't think he needs therapy, but he couldn't be more wrong.

You also need therapy.

Whether you go to the place with the sliding scale or you call your local rape crisis center, please call. Each of you needs your own therapists who specialize in trauma and/ or sexual abuse.

Counseling at the rape crisis center is free to county residents, and they have services for males and females. Some also have groups.

You might also be able to get services, at no cost, through your religious organization. Even if the counseling through the religious organization might not be trauma specific, it can help both of you manage the depression and the isolation.

There are books written for male survivors. Some of the more popular titles are:

Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse by Mic Hunter

Victims No Longer by Mike Lew.

There are also books for the signifcant others of male survivors. I am certain those in this forum will be more than happy to share the titles they found most useful.

You can find these titles, and others, here at the bookstore, or at your public library.

Your husband's drinking and "obsessions" are his way of numbing his feelings and to keep from remembering.

There are self help groups for family members of alcoholics. Please attend these meetings so you can get the support and information you need.

You need to heal from his past, and his behavior, as much as he needs to heal from the abuse he endured. You have every right to heal, and you need to be healthy.

As much as you love your husband, you cannot do this for him. No one can do this work for him. He has to decide that he no longer wants to live with the pain and that he wants to find a way of feeling better, in a healthy sense, not by numbing himself with alcohol and his hobbies.

You need to set limits with your husband about the behavior you find acceptable and that which is unacceptable. There are consequences for unacceptable behavior. But only set limits and consequences if you are prepared to follow through with them.

These are not punishments, nor are they forms of blackmail. They are also not intended to shame or to humiliate. You are drawing a line in the sand. You have to be healthy and you have to maintain a healthy environment for yourself.

Loving him means setting limits which, hopefully, will get him to see that therapy is the way to deal with his pain. If he chooses not to deal with this in a healthy manner, he will be suffering alone. This is not an act of cruelty or selfishness, it is an act of love.

You may want to leave information about this site for your husband. Do not ask him if he has visited the site or if he has created an account, to do so is a violation of his privacy. Sometimes it takes people a long time before they join the site. Some will read without ever joining, and some find what is here to be too triggering. If he tells you he has joined, congratulate him for taking a very big step. Do NOT as him for his screen name.

Whether or not your husband chooses to take positive steps toward healing from his experiences, you need to heal from them, and from him. Hopefully he will choose to grow with you, rather than apart from you. But it has to be his choice.

Dealing with this stuff is not easy, not for the survivor, and certainly not for the person who loves him. But it can and does get better. A lot of energy and committment is required to achieve the desired results.

It will be a rough road for each of you, but the rewards are immeasurable.

One of the things you need to do is self care. You need to eat well, exercise and do things that are not trauma related. You need to have a support system that does not focus on the issues. You also need to have activities that you can do independent of your husband.

I know you said that your "friends" no longer associate with you. Frankly, those who are only "friends" if you can maintain a certain social status, are not friends. You do not need their superficial "friendship." By joining the various healing groups you will meet people who will become true friends. Their relationships will not be based on the superficial criteria of what you have, nor will they shame or embarrass you for what you do not have. They will be based on who you are as people, and for the character and other qualities you possess.

You have all of us here. If you have not found it yet, there is also a chat room (aka: the lounge) which includes a room for friends and family.

The best way to support your husband is to get yourself help and to be healthy.

I hope you can encourage this very strong and brave man to seek the help he so richly deserves.






Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#401582 - 06/24/12 05:37 PM Re: Carried this for almost 25 years [Re: LilGrace]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi LilGrace

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I know how hard it can be. Anomalous Has given you a lot of good information. Please join the Al-Anon group in your town, I'm Pretty sure that there is one. You really need support, it is vitally important.

One of the books that you need to get for yourself is CO-DEPENDENT NO MORE by Melody Beattie. This book will help you to find yourself and draw those battle lines that Anomalous spoke about. If you don't believe me then read the Symptoms of Co-Dependency and check for yourself

Please understand that even though you have been married to your H for a long time (My wife and I were married for 20 years) You need to now more than ever look after yourself. You need to control the things that you can and that is your healing and your wants and needs. You CANNOT control him and his healing. So control the things you can and have empathy for him and his healing.

If it where not for my wife claiming her own life back, I would never have NEEDED to heal. It was because of her finding herself and throwing me out the house(the first time)that I finally started looking for healing.
I really Love her, but I can see why she doesn't want to put up with my nonsense any-more.
Truth is that She is my safe place, I am not really interested in finding someone else. She is the one person that understands me. In fact she is the person that helped me identify my triggers. I really need her.
So what I am saying is, In my situation, I could not exist without her at that point, and the thought of her throwing me out was far to scary at that time. So I choose to find healing.

These are my experiences
Please look after yourself.
Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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