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#390499 - 03/24/12 09:55 AM Disclosing a rape at 21 to my wife. Knows of CSA
Dexter Offline


Registered: 05/29/11
Posts: 43
Loc: NJ, USA
HI gang. Question in need of advice. My wife knows of the sexual abuse done to me by my mother already. She stayed with me thru the years of therapy and was supportive. Since the Penn State abuse broke ( i live just outside of Philadelphia and heard gory details hourly when it broke) I have been having much difficulty ignoring/ pushing down the shit that happened besides that. one was long term sexual abuse my an older male cousin, was well groomed, and also being rraped at knifepoint by 2 men when i was 21. We had just had our first child die due to dr negligence and she was on the verge of a complete breakdown. so after it was over, i went home, showered and went to bed. now these incidents have me unable to sleep, eating enough for a small country and very anxious. I just became active again in speaking out about my abuse ( by mother person) to try to help others with this issue crawling up my back. she seems very sympathetic every time they talk about the boys of Penn state and says, " thats such a shame, those boys will need therapy for life." BUT since I am speaking out again, since I told her this is really bothering me, she says," I hope we aren't revisiting that again, we can't afford therapy for another 6 years." I feel trapped. I've told my sister about the rape but not that the other person was our cousin. thats got more blow the family apart issues as he is still around and we are close to his children. ANYWAY, I need to tell her about this and that I believe I need a therapy touchup as the rape and cousin carries the SSA issues. it may be ok, but I fear that she will come back with some form of OH shit, not this again but Pandoras box is opened and most of us know how that is. just looking for support and maybe one of you has been in a similar situation. Hangin on, Dex


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#390509 - 03/24/12 10:45 AM Re: Disclosing a rape at 21 to my wife. Knows of CSA [Re: Dexter]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3519
Loc: somewhere in Africa
So sorry, Dex!

i don't have an answer for you except to offer my own experience - the second time around in therapy for me was really necessary. i was doing very poorly and it would not have gotten better without intervention. the first time i did not finish the work though we dealt with all the stuff i was aware of at the time. the second time - 25 years later, i needed to get to the very root of things and it has been amazing to me how much was involved that i'd never even suspected before. for your sake and for the sake of your marriage, you need to get the help and finish the work. be sure you involve your wife in the decision and let her feel she is part of the process. Start slow with introducing the subject and and see where it goes. she may surprise you.

standing with you,
Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#390515 - 03/24/12 11:12 AM Re: Disclosing a rape at 21 to my wife. Knows of CSA [Re: traveler]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Dexter,

Your wife's attitudes seem to be the same regrettable one's in the culture at large. I don't blame her for those but they're not workable. There's recognition how huge a wound it is, but when it comes to allocating resources to heal it, well... we can't afford it. Women come first as victims, etc. So... just get over it.

Are you able to get to any of the men's support groups in Penn?

Your wife might not be the best person to talk to and get support from. Other male survivors might work a lot better. They won't have the investment in a partnership relationship with you, and having been through it themselves, will probably "get it" quickly. Helpful. That's my experience. I agree about once it needs to come out, there's no stopping it except in making things worse.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#390517 - 03/24/12 12:16 PM Re: Disclosing a rape at 21 to my wife. Knows of CSA [Re: LandOfShadow]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1355
Hi Dexter,

I hear your pain.

I would also like to say that I am not married.

For your benefit, I would return to therapy. You know this isn't going to get better without it.

I beleive eventually you should tell your wife why you are going. But if you don't want to say so in the beginning, you can tell her you need a "tune up" from the issues you previously addressed in therapy.

Obviously, it would be best if you could be forthright with her from the beginning. But you should not deny yourself the care you need just because she is reluctant.




Anomalous

_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#390623 - 03/24/12 10:36 PM Re: Disclosing a rape at 21 to my wife. Knows of CSA [Re: Anomalous]
Dexter Offline


Registered: 05/29/11
Posts: 43
Loc: NJ, USA
Thanks for the opinion advice and support . Gonna make it dammt


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#393927 - 04/18/12 12:37 PM Re: Disclosing a rape at 21 to my wife. Knows of CSA [Re: Dexter]
Dexter Offline


Registered: 05/29/11
Posts: 43
Loc: NJ, USA
Update. I took part in making a documentary about sexual abuse and the legal system last month. In it, I divulged off camera about the rape, and on camera about the abuse from my older male cousin. I was not prepared physically or emotionally that it was my cousin but a "close family friend" (sorry to those who feel that I pussed out, but I know I can't handle the fallout right now). So I put myself in a place where I HAVE to come clean to her before it is released. I wrote a letter to her telling her what happened and planned to have her read it after I left to be filmed. Told her that if she didnt want me to come home from filming after she read it, call me and i wouldnt come hme. Didn't have her read it until last week. She read it and was understanding and said she loved me and I was foolish to think she would leave. Was a little hurt that I hadn't told her before. We haven't talked about it since as last week we welcomed our first grandchild. So ts week we need to discuss therapy

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#393967 - 04/18/12 09:58 PM Re: Disclosing a rape at 21 to my wife. Knows of CSA [Re: Dexter]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3519
Loc: somewhere in Africa
good steps...
you are doing the right things as much as you can.
hoping with you for good outcome.
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#394021 - 04/19/12 08:03 AM Re: Disclosing a rape at 21 to my wife. Knows of CSA [Re: Dexter]
Dexter Offline


Registered: 05/29/11
Posts: 43
Loc: NJ, USA
thx

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#394051 - 04/19/12 11:54 AM Re: Disclosing a rape at 21 to my wife. Knows of CSA [Re: Dexter]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1355
Hi Dexter,

Congratulations!!!

Both, for telling your wife, and on the birth of your grandchild.

Hearing these words:

Quote:
Told her that if she didnt want me to come home from filming after she read it, call me and i wouldnt come hme.


just makes me so sad.

Here you are talking about the terrible and traumatic things that happened to you, and the emotions that come through are "I'm not good enough for you. If you don't want me, I'll just go away."

I am certain there are other reasons behind that statement.

But it's the low/ non-existent feeling of self worth that is painful to read (and to acknowledge within one's self).

For no other reason, you deserve to go back to T just so you can appreciate your worth.

I am very happy that you told your wife, and equally happy that she responded positively. Obviously she is aware that you don't feel worthy of her, or you wouldn't have thought she would leave you over this disclosure.

So, before you start therapy again, you have some very important work to do.



I'll help you by startng the list:


A zillion pairs of cute footie pajamas

Tons of diapers

Pacifiers

Bottles

Baby Wipes

Crib

High Chair

Car Seat

Lots of soft blankies

Rubber duckies!!! MUST HAVE!!!!

Stuffed animals of every shape, color and size.

Either a hundred rolls of film, or a lot of extra batteries for the camera.


There are probably a lot of other items you need for this list, but it's a start.


After a bonding period with the new arrival in your life, and after getting some sleep, then it's time again for the hard work of therapy.

You have been down the therapy route before. Don't forget to do things that are not trauma related. Those activities are healing in many other ways.

Be gentle and kind to yourself.




Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#394502 - 04/22/12 09:35 PM Re: Disclosing a rape at 21 to my wife. Knows of CSA [Re: Dexter]
brother2none Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 267
Loc: Undisclosed
Dexter, I admire your courage, that was incredibly brave to discuss this again with your wife. I am hoping that you have all good things come your way. Best wishes!!

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