Good Evening,

I am a 44 year old male, been married over 20 years to an amazing woman and have three teenage daughters at home (Team Estrogen).

I was victimized for a number of years starting at age 8 until about age 11 or 12 by a pedophile who lived in my neighborhood. I believe he also abused other boys as unfortunately some of them also victimized me because I was younger and smaller. As usual, I was forced into silence or face retribution to other members of my family.

Over the years I developed two very distinctive personalities, one which is damaged and jacked-up, and the other which is a superhero, successful at everything he touches and having much confidence and no fear. It's through this superhero I learned to cope and to block out most of the negative memories that I had.

As long as my career was great, family was great, church was great, etc. I was capable of coping, but if one or more of these went south, so did I and I would then fall into deep depression.

The last couple years have been hard on all three fronts and eventually I couldn't swing from waking up damaged and hurt in the morning, and then have to get up and put on the superhero costume and perform like an academy award actor as if nothing was wrong. I got addicted to prescription drugs because it's the only way I sleep through the night without having consistent nightmares (also have sleep apnea and react poorly to sleep aids). I also began meeting other people online that had been abused and willing to talk about it. Most of them are gay. I'm not gay although I do constantly question my orientation and identity. These friends remained hidden from my family (I travel for a living) and were my safety net and some of the best people I have ever met.

Eventually, the lack of sleep, the depression, the narcotic addiction and the night terrors finally took their toll and I attempted to release. Fortunately...a friend found me which is why I'm here typing today.

Everything kind of blew up at that point. Couldn't hide my pain anymore and the cat came out of the bag. Unfortunately, a wave of emotion and other disorders came surging back besides the nightmares, now have new triggers, and an old habit of disassociation and PTSD.

I've tried numerous psyche meds and haven't had much luck. I also found a therapist who specializes in EMDR and have begun intensive and painful therapy trying to help me through recovering the suppressed memories and memories of a very shattered childhood. I've made alot of progress in the past months but still fall on my face and constantly find new triggers. It just seems to never end. Abuse is like the gift that just keeps on giving.

My spouse, family, and friends have been very supportive. I really struggle with identity and mood swings. I don't know how much of what personality is truly me and what is truly a facade person that is merely a coping mechanism. I still struggle with depression and thoughts about self release but hang in there because I made a promise to my spouse that I wouldn't disappear and she promised not to leave me...no matter how painful and how hard this recovery path is. So far she has kept her word (She is a saint) so I have kept mine but the day to day battles are wearing me down.

It seems like the more I go down the path of therapy, the more I remember, the more painful it becomes. When do you turn the corner? What does that look and feel like? I really want to know what "normal" feels like.

Anyways...I'm a pianist and type SUPER fast...so I probably wrote to much....but....here I am. Plain ole, confused, jacked up, but sometimes "ok"....ME.

Hi Learning2LuvMe,

Welcome to MS.

I am glad you have found this place of healing and support.

Don't worry about the length of your posts .... say as much or as little as is comfortable or necessary.

How long does it take to heal from these traumas?

I don't want to sound flippant, but it takes as long as it takes. There is no way of predicting how long it will take, nor does it depend on how long the abuses lasted, how many abusers there were, etc.

Despite survivors having a lot of similarities (depression, PTSD, anxiety, etc.) none of us are identical. How long it takes one to heal is no indication of how long it will, or should, take.

It is actually harmful to compare your trauma and the time it takes you to heal with another. To do that diminishes your experiences and creates an arbitrary and artificial timeline for healing.

But it does get better.

The work you are doing in therapy, despite feeling like things are getting worse, will pay off. You will get through this and have the life you never imagined possible.

Healing happens sometimes imperceptably. One day you might notice that the sky seems a little brighter, or that you notice the trees and flowers more than you have before. You might find yourself singing or smiling as you drive.

And then you ask yourself - why is that happening? "I don't sing, or smile. I never noticed the trees or flowers before ...."

You will notice that not all days are as bleak as they have been or as bleak as you have learned to expect them to be.

However mysterious these new feelings and perceptions may be, they are signs of healing. You will be able to experience joy, perhaps for the first time, or notice the details of life - not in the hypervigilant way induced by PTSD, but as a new interest in your surroundings. You will have small, but notable periods, of decreased stress and distress. Things that would typically upset you will become a situation that you deal with without much emotional energy.

The exhaustion of getting out of bed, and feeling like you have to put on the "costume" of "superhero" will slowly be replaced with energy. The energy that it takes to put on the façade everyday will now be available for you to apply to other areas of your life.

Hey!!! What's happening???

When did this happen? What did I do to make it happen? What was that specific thing I did? How do I do it again??

There isn't a specific "thing" or "action."

It is the culmination of all of the hard work you are doing in therapy. It is the reward of all the tears, frustration, fear and anxiety. It is the reward for being courageous enough to face that which hurt you so deeply, for so long.

It is the beginning of the life you so richly deserve.

It is difficult to say exactly how healing actually happens. There really isn't a specific action to which you can point and say "A-ha! That's IT!!" Healing takes place in waves, similar to the ripples of a pebble being tossed into a tranquil pond. At first the ripples are small and don't last very long. As larger and heavier stones are tossed into the pond, the waves get larger, both the highs and the lows. Not in a bipolar (manic-depressive) sense, but more like recovering from a bad case of the flu. First you feel ok, and do a few things, only to realize you feel exhausted and you need rest. As the illness progresses, and starts to leave your body, you have more energy, but not all at once, and sometimes you feel more exhausted than you did the day before.

Gradually you heal - from the flu and from the trauma.

The good days start to come more frequently and last longer than the bleak lows of depression. The feelings of worthlessness, etc., start to subside and you have fewer days where you are kicking yourself for seemingly no good reason.

Speaking about the trauma, and feeling the emotions that you tried so hard to suppress for so long is how you get through to the other side. You are doing the hard work.

The reward of a better quality of life is within your reach.

Be gentle and kind with yourself.





Anomalous

Hi Learning2LuvMe,

Welcome to MS.

I am glad you have found this place of healing and support.

Take your time and look around. You do not want to trigger yourself by reading too many posts at one time.

At your own pace, read the boards and wander into chat. The lounge (chat) is open 24 hours a day though it isn't always populated.

There are several books you might find useful.

Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse by Mic Hunter

Victims No Longer by Mike Lew.

I am certian others will share titles they have found useful. You can find these titles, and others here at the bookstore.

We also have moderated chats called Healing Circles. They meet on Sunday and Wednesday evenings at 9pm eastern time and one on Tuesday at 19:00 UTC (European and African time zone) which translates to 2 PM Eastern US time zone. The Healing Circle on Tuesdays is scheduled to resume in September.

Again, welcome to MS.





Anomalous

L2Lm

Sorry that this happened to you, but I am really really glad that you found this site.
It never ceases to amaze me even after a tour of one year here at MS.org, how similar peoples stories are.
Reading what you wrote is like reading in large parts my own story.

All I can do is tell you, that if you are honest about recovery and telling your story, getting rid of all the horrible secrets in your head, Then you will recover and you will lead a great life as a thriver.

So the light at the end of the tunnel is not a speeding train, but rather the light of freedom and elation, feelings that are strange to Survivors.

Heal well
WE are always here for you
Martin

Hi L2LM

Thank you for introducing yourself. You write very well, one of the best intro's I have read here.
Sorry to hear about your pain. I am on my own road to recovery and this is rather knew to me, so I am afraid I have few words of wisdom so far, too much I still have to learn myself. But you expressed yourself so well and much of what you said reflects in my own life. I was also abused from ages 8 - 12, but because we are all individuals, my story and the resulting effects on my life is different. Yet, I understand what you said very well and can identify with your feelings and emotions.
I had this belief that love would save me one day, but that has not happened yet and time is running out - at 49! I suck at relationships, the main reason being that I closed myself in so tightly at age 12 to protect myself that the walls I put up, not only prevented others from coming in, I myself could not get out when I thought the time was right to start relationships and find a partner.
Anyway, welcome here, it was nice to meet you and I am sure that this forum will help you find some of the answers you are searching for.

Good luck and take care
DB
(You are welcome to PM me)

I am glad you shared this much. I had buried so much for so many years; my abuse is not your story. But abuse is abuse, as I have been encouraged by my therapist. Your story has many similar parallels to things I can relate to.
Especially the part of how it's gotten harder since you've started dealing with it. Man, I understand; but I've had so many better days and have felt emotional connection that hasn't reached what I know is good and that I can experience yet, but I believe it will come. Life is full of difficulties at these older ages, though, and takes longer to work things through with work, etc....I am sure you understand. Sorry that you have this story, but glad you are here to mend.
Peace

Thanks to everyone for all your words of encouragement. I'm always amazed at the kindness of strangers. We can hide behind our screens and our keyboards and discuss some of the worst things that occur in our memories and yet unfortunately, they continue to perpetuate in the modern world. Little by little though as we come forward, as we chat, blog, text, write...eventually the world listens.

I'm grateful to the many anonymous people that have helped me over the years and look forward to the day I can wake up and not think for a split second about my past, or what might have been had I had a normal childhood. Maybe that never exists, but I think I would ultimately be ok...if I can learn to cope and move on.

My parents went to my therapist yesterday for the first time in after a year of EMDR treatment. They had the sugarcoated version prior to yesterday. Yesterday they learned more about what I endured as a child and unfortunately continue to endure today.

To avoid the anxiety I went to a movie with a trained friend...one that knows what to do with me if I disassociate in public. We watched an enjoyable movie...escaped from reality for a couple hours...then I had to go home.

When I turned on my phone, I got a very sincere message from my Mom who has really struggled with this. Her message warmed my heart as did the nice comments you all have made.

I'm particularly reminded to look for the little things. I guess I'm so use to looking at the big picture that I fail to notice the small details that when combined, add up to an abundance of progress. I gotta look for that blue sky, that occasional spring in my step...and I gotta acknowledge it and be grateful.

Thanks again for the warm welcome.

LoVe
Me.

Learning2luvme,

Welcome to our gang. We are all in this together and we are no longer alone. We are here for the support and help of others on this path.

All the above guys that have posted, are good people and you can learn a lot from them and others. Take your time and get acquainted with the site. Slow is fast enough.

It sounds like you are on a good path. Let us travel the road to recovery with you. There is a lot of pain and hard work, but the rewards are worth it. That is something I never thought I would be able to say. It is worth it! There are times that things seem to take a turn for the worse, but try to be patient and you will get through it. Your T (therapist), and we will help you along.

If you ever need someone to talk to, PM me and I will get back to you as soon as i can. I visit here almost daily to give back some of the great things I have been given here.

peace

paul

Take care my fellow survivor.

Hi Me.,

Welcome here, and I HOPE you don't mind too much, because we are here to help each other. I'm here for a friend who has a strong fear of disassociating in public. So this quote of yours got my attention:



What does your friend do if you do that? What's the right thing to do? This would be very helpful, because my friend is very apprehensive about this.

Many thanks,
D.

D.

I would recommend you speak directly to your friend about what his "disassociation" looks like as they can be different from one person to the next, e.g. is it ok for you to touch him?

With me, it is generally caused by an unforeseen intense trigger which results in me closing my eyes. Once that happens, it's a quick path to black. I become essentially catatonic. If I'm seated at the time, I stay that way, but if you try to move me, I don't have the ability to help move.

Sometimes when I disassociate I can hear my wife's or a friend's voice. I can't usually respond to them initially in any way, but I can hear them. My wife usually lightly strokes my arm for a little while and makes sure that I'm safe and that I won't hurt myself if I fall. She calls me by my childhood name (not the same as my adult name) and she tells me who she is. She tells me where I am, that I'm ok, that I'm safe and nobody is going to hurt me. She also asks If I can hear her.

She continues this process for about 10 minutes or so to see if I respond with some type of body movement. If I don't respond, she usually remains silent but remains next to me. She sometimes puts on calm music (I'm a musician) and I often play the piano with my hands when disassociated even though I'm not at a piano. She says she can see my fingers slightly move as if I'm playing something.

After a while (5 to 10 minutes), she tries again. If I don't respond, then she waits and tries again. This process takes anywhere from as little as a half hour to as long as four hours or more.

Eventually, I hear here one of her questions and I respond with a slight movement of my hand or a noise from my lips in response to her question. If she gets that far, she tries to get me to smell her arm or neck. In the beginning, My T had my wife buy a perfume that she knows I like. I strongly associate that smell with her. She wears that perfume every day. She also keeps some in her purse. So she often uses that perfume to help me realize subconsciously who it is speaking to me.

Little by little, I gain consciousness and enough motor skills to be able to move, eventually open my eyes, and regain focus and where I am. It takes a bit to become in charge of my body so I usually require help in getting up, walking or etc. If I'm home she takes me to my room and I usually rest. If I'm in public..she tries to get me to the car and then takes me home.

My wife and friends are saints. They all know what to do if it happens. It sucks. Sometimes it is really embarrassing and humiliating but it's part of me and little by little I do it less often.

I hope this helps. Best of luck to your friend!

L2LM