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#399124 - 06/01/12 11:35 AM Will any woman want me...
Steve0123 Offline


Registered: 05/30/12
Posts: 80
...I have hidden my abuse my whole life and consequently I haven't dated much or had a healthy relationship....now that I am confronting and dealing with it I can't help but wonder how I am going to approach the subject with women...as hard as relationships are normally , who the hell will want to deal with my chaos?

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#399136 - 06/01/12 02:33 PM Re: Will any woman want me... [Re: Steve0123]
alex05 Offline


Registered: 05/29/12
Posts: 59
Loc: nowheresville
You don´t have written on your face that you´ve been abuse man, though I know it feels this way sometimes...I´m sure there are many positive things about you that you don´t see but others do. When you truly love someone you deal with the chaos you mentioned.

Alex
_________________________
Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end. I hate what I´ve become, the nightmare´s just begun...-Skillet-

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#399144 - 06/01/12 03:31 PM Re: Will any woman want me... [Re: Steve0123]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 935
Loc: southern California
It's not whether you've been through something, it is all about whether you are man enough to face it and deal with it. That shows a woman you are capable of dealing with life's obstacles and that you are man enough to confront and manage it.

So, yes, a woman will want you. The question is, can you find a woman who has the character to face life issues just as well? You certainly don't need a coward in your life.
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#399153 - 06/01/12 07:07 PM Re: Will any woman want me... [Re: Steve0123]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1937
Loc: durham, north england
This is not to invalidate what Kieth or alex said, both of which are quite likely true, just something from a slightly different perspective. Why do you want! a woman to want you? is this desire to be "wanted" actually helping you?

The reason I ask is that for me, the desire to have a relationship with someone, and my attempt to make my feelings known to someone in 2007 was what drove me into such a bad place that I finally realized that no, my abuse wasn't over and done with at all.

Over time, the lack of a relationship, or more specifically the lack of a two way communicative experience of emotional, spiritual and physical communication with someone was a constant source of pain, suffering and inadequacy.

I knew what I wanted, I'd seen other couples who had it, --- and it didn't help that being in my late twenties nearly everyone I knew was either getting married, or in a very perminant and stable relationship preparitory to getting married.

i felt utterly alone, unloved and totally dispicable, not to mention extremely angry at all the social sterriotypes that seemed to make finding and getting into a relationship so easy for women, but such an impossibility for men, ---- especially me.

On my parents' suggestion I tried a dating site, eharmony, and after being on there a year, didn't get one single communication from anyone.

I finally realized that this desire for a relationship, for that experience and that communication with someone was causing me nothing but continued pain and suffering, and being of no help whatsoever in my life or my recovery, quite the opposite in fact.

I determined therefore to rid myself of that desire entirely. Not merely to put it on hold, or believe all those who'd told me "there's someone somewhere" but to actually close the door completely. To say "well yes, I might have a relationship in the future, but it's up there with winning the lottery or living on the moon"
To focus my energy on friendship, creativity and looking forward, rather than looking for what I didn't, and seemingly couldn't have, and letting that lack destroy me.

it has not been easy, it's been actually quite hard work, with a lot of mental diciplin, rigid control and concentration required, and a fair few relapses.
Now however, I can freely say to myself "I don't have a relationship, I have never had a relationship, and all things being equal will never have a relationship, ---- and that's fine! I can write, I can sing, I've got some amazing friends, and I need nothing else"

it no longer matters that others have relationships and I don't, it's an experience, nothing more, and why should it trump any of the other things I've done in my life or will do in the future.

As I said, this isn't an easy path to follow, but I do offer it as an alternative, because it sounds like quite a bit of how you think of yourself and feel about your life is bound up in being "wanted" by a woman, which might not be particularly helpful to you.

As the buhdists have it, the cause of all suffering is desire, so remove desire, you remove suffering. While I don't necessarily agree with this entirely, I do think there is a point in it, sinse there are some desires that are more destructive to feel as unfulfilled than they are to give up.

What you do is of course up to you, I just offer this as another way of looking at the situation.

I do hope though you can find some peace in yourself, sinse I can really sympathize with how it feels to feel a true and desperate need for that sort of communication with someone and have no way to experience it it, and nobody who wants to experience it with you.

Strength to you in whatever you decide,

Luke.

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#399179 - 06/02/12 06:02 AM . [Re: Steve0123]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 10:24 PM)

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#399983 - 06/10/12 09:39 AM Re: Will any woman want me... [Re: Steve0123]
chambers Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 118
Loc: VA
Steve, they won't know until you tell them and that should not happen until you have been in a relationship for quite awhile. I've just started putting myself back out there and to do it you will have to accept the risks of being hurt and feeling inadequate like Luke mentioned. I think you should approach it casually, just start dating for fun and if you find someone you really like and they really like you over time you will share more and more with each other. Eventually you can tell them, and if they really care about you they will support you, if not then you are better off without them.

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