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#399881 - 06/09/12 07:30 AM Dissociative Identity Disorder anyone?
Blessedcurse Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 93
Is there anyone else who has a dissociative identity disorder? To me it's a huge problem and I think the biggest obstacle in therapy.

I just had a co-consiousness experience realising that though I see myself as the real person and the others as alters (particularly the "normal person" who lives my "normal life" and meets people, work, makes friends and so on), this might not be the case. I just recieved a glimpse of the normal persons view in wich I am the alter and the normal person is the real person who's life I just mess up with my flashbacks and self destructiveness.

This rocked my world. I have always felt as both an unwanted intruder in the normal persons life, and particularly an unwanted intruder in relationships. The normal person meets people, creates relationships and then I come along, loving them, wanting to be with them, and it feels so stupid because of course they don't want me, they want the normal person. This really messes up my relationships. Now I feel that maybe we are both the real me, in combination, and the normal persons relationships involve me too because we are both the same person.

I really need to talk about this but I don't know how to do it. In therapy I just get silent and embarressed when trying to be there 'cause I know it's the normal persons domain and I know I'm just crazy and stupid for having this experience of beeing someone else. An unwanted intruder in therapy as well.

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#399882 - 06/09/12 07:39 AM Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder anyone? [Re: Blessedcurse]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5945
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Hello Blessedcurse,

DID is overwhelming, I feel your frustration. We feel we are so stable and secure, and then in emotional situations, point of view or social interactions, we transfer to another alter.

Bc, please be patient. You are just beginning the healing. You are on a path that will show you where these come from, why they are here and how they can again become reunited into one amazing person. Read, research, ask questions and interview therapists until you find one you can trust with all the alters.

There are many DID, DD, DDNOS, and BPD experiences on this board, search them out and you will find commonalities in their experiences with your own.

Most of all, know that all of you are worthy of consideration, respect and support. Soon Bc, you will have rewarding, enriching answers that will help you continue to heal.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#399884 - 06/09/12 07:45 AM Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder anyone? [Re: Blessedcurse]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5945
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
I did a search for the word dissociative in MaleSurvivor.

One post that caught my eye was "Possible D.I.D. Diagnosis. http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...true#Post395951

Keep recovering! Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#399892 - 06/09/12 09:14 AM Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder anyone? [Re: Blessedcurse]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1722
Many if not most of us have the child we left behind or buried within ourselves. It is the child that for some is a fragmented part of who we are--but was and is always there. How it interacts within us will vary, for me it would take control when the other part of me was weakened with emotional turmoil and "I" could not control the child. Th "I" would leave, where "I" went I do not know--time was lost, other times I felt like a passenger in my body, and could see things around me, but "I" was not active in what was happening. The doctor and therapist use dissociation to explain what was happening to me. I gather dissociation has varying degrees and effects. The severity can vary from individual to individual. I was told everyone dissociates at times--daydreaming, but the length of time, severity and actions the person undertakes will differ--some more extreme.

I have learned to accept the fragmented child and the abuse. This has helped with episodes of lost time and feeling like a passenger in my body. I also understand, children exposed to trauma use dissociation to survive the traumatic events and it can become a coping mechanism we use throughout life to avoid emotional pain, torment and abuse. This coping mechanism separates the "I" from the other parts where the pain and hurt is buried.

I hope this helps because when I first heard this I was no way because the child was alien and felt like a different person, not part of me. I could not use the words the child was part of me. He was so different from me, hurtful and in pain. I learned over time, "I" buried all my pain and hurt with this part of me. And when the child could be in control it only knew the pain and hurt and thought that is how life should be. Well with a year of therapy, two support groups and wonderful supporters I, which now includes the child, knows this is not true. I was told this is the ying and yang of who we are.

Good luck

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#399894 - 06/09/12 10:26 AM Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder anyone? [Re: Blessedcurse]
Blessedcurse Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 93
Thank you for reading this and answering. For me, taking part in this community means taking a stance. The thing is I've been working on my healing for years but I haven't been involved, it has been the female alters. I've participated in forums like this but with most women and since my female parts started it the chose a female name. So through all of this I have kind of evaded the healing process, letting my female alters heal but kept the damages in this part of me.

So things are happening realy fast in my head now. I have allways felt like a fake female survivor, like of course raping girls is wrong and of course these women are nice to me when they think I'm a woman to but if they knew I'm a man they would understand my perspective, that I deserved it and wasn't damaged at all...

It is so incredibly difficult for me to get my head around that I am one person, the whole, this is me just as much as the normal person is me.

It is so strange. I have allways felt I don't live my life. I come around quite often, I mean I'm allways in here feeling like the true person, but then when I take over I feel the annoyance of the female parts and I feel that I'm intruding on their normal life, and at the same time I feel it should be my life but it's not.

Thing is, when I was a child we had our different parts of the life. I had the unnormal stuff, the abuse and everything around it. The normal girl had the normal life and the angry girl protected the normal girl and the kids, they would just take over in stressful situations sometimes.

But then abuse ended in my teens and ever since then I have had this enormous feeling of unreality. Like my world just dissapeared. The normal person is well suited for this life, I am not. So she would lead her normal life, making all descisions, keeping me away. And inside I was feeling that this is all just a lie, this is not real life, real life is pain and abuse and slavery. And so I became stuffed away like an embarrassing crazy alter.

But really I think, I have been feeling all the time, that the normal girl and I are equal. Both our life stories are true. It is just that her life continued as planned while mine totally changed and I have never gotten used to life without abuse. Now I see I have to heal like the others instead of just walking around thinking you heal, little girls, I'll move out one day and have my own body and give my self over as a slave to some sadistic perp...

No. The normal girls life is mine to. And mine is hers. We are the same and it is not fair for one of us to tell the other to go and hide because you are just messing up my life. Well she's messing up my life to! If it wasn't for her I'd be happily prostituted, drug addicted, engaged in traffiking and probably dead by suicide by now (bad joke but it is partly true and I am partly upset she has kept me alive).

It's just that we have this consensus she is the normal one and I am the crazy one. It doesn't nessesarily have to be true, just because her way of life is less self destructive than mine. Declaring a big part of yourself as "not me" is not all that sane. We both do it eaqually. I have DID and so has she. There is no sane normal alter.

Oh, now I can feel her upsetting in my head. I better stop this writing.

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#400374 - 06/13/12 08:40 PM Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder anyone? [Re: Blessedcurse]
cris40ky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/20/11
Posts: 188
Loc: KY, US
Blessedcurse, gonna have to write more later. But I can understand somewhat as I have opposite gender parts. Sometimes I wish they are as strong as you seem to be.

Encouraging your equal voice.

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#400404 - 06/14/12 05:20 AM Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder anyone? [Re: Blessedcurse]
Blessedcurse Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 93
Thank you Cris! So much has happened in my system since joining this forum. It's like we are talking about being the same for the first time, and that gender does not matter at all. Abuse is abuse anyway. To me it feels like the first time hearing this even though I know I have been told about it before. It never felt right but now it does.I wasn't less injured because of being boy and I wasn't abused becouse I was a boy. And we are all the same in here. So the feelings and abilities of the female alters are mine too. Mindblowing...

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#400487 - 06/15/12 07:51 AM Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder anyone? [Re: Blessedcurse]
cris40ky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/20/11
Posts: 188
Loc: KY, US
Originally Posted By: Blessedcurse
I wasn't less injured because of being boy and I wasn't abused becouse I was a boy. And we are all the same in here. So the feelings and abilities of the female alters are mine too. Mindblowing...


Definitely mindblowing! "We", meaning me/us are a very recent realization. So haven't been accepting my own parts for very long. But accepting "I" am a system is mindblowing. Very hard to put into words. And so rare, it seems, when somebody else "get's it".

Gender is a touchy subject for a lot of folks. Inside, though, we are all the same! These female parts of me have skills that got me through this far.

Right now, though, am dealing with repressed memories from the littlest of "us". Accepting that little boy exists, validating him, and giving him permission to tell his story is being difficult. Ugly work. Necessary. Seeing that boy that is not us but is still us has made all the other parts stand out as well. Mindblowing.

I've got a question. It may be better suited to a PM, so if you want to answer that way, please do. But could also help other folks lurking around the board to ask it here.

Do you also "feel" the physical "body" of your female alters? I have for years. Never, ever talked about it till recently with T. Am curious what this is like for others.

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#400489 - 06/15/12 09:15 AM Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder anyone? [Re: Blessedcurse]
Blessedcurse Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 93
Accepting little boys memories is so hard, I know. It's like the things that happened when I was older and possibly already split, are less traumatizing to remember. Like I did have some kind of language and thinking to explain it all. From the littlest boy there is only pain and confusion and terror. So hard to deal with.

About the female alters. Well, I'm not sure as my perseption of everything changes when I swich. I know when I'm in my female alter I'm not exactly delusional about the body. I know how my body looks, it just doesn't feel like mine. And I get surprised every time I see myself in a mirror since it doesn't look like me at all. I have a clear view of what my female alters look like, like there is a different person in there that just should have had her own body. And yes, sometimes I feel her body as well and at those times I get really upset when being reminded of my biological sex. But it's not like I walk around having to bodies, not really, no. More like two (or more) souls in one body, in constant competition of who owns it.

Just today I was crying in my therapitsts office, overwhelmed with fear that I be transsexual and would need surgery to ever feel right. This is something I have feared since puberty. Therapist sais surgery would only make the male part of me feeling like having the wrong body. Just like now but reversed.

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#400490 - 06/15/12 09:17 AM Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder anyone? [Re: Blessedcurse]
Blessedcurse Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 93
cris: How do you feel the physical body of your female alters? And do you feel that there is a place for all of you or that someone has to give up their claim to the body? It helps me so much to talk about this with someone who understands and has a different view.

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#400497 - 06/15/12 11:03 AM Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder anyone? [Re: Blessedcurse]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 06:36 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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#401153 - 06/21/12 11:39 AM Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder anyone? [Re: Blessedcurse]
cris40ky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/20/11
Posts: 188
Loc: KY, US
Blessedcurse,

So sorry I left your question hanging for days. I've been really struggling with just day to day stuff. Work, home, and "us". I hope you can understand in bears in no way against you! For me, the little, hurt one is waring with the day to day, denier face I have worn for so, so long. Just going to work and making it home again has been hard.

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#401185 - 06/21/12 02:47 PM Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder anyone? [Re: cris40ky]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Some other things about DID:

It requires a lot of mental energy to make it work. When we're young that seems to be OK. But as we get older the task of maintaining those "partitions" seems to become greater.

DID started for me when I was a very small child (3-4). A "neighbor" was using the boys in the neighborhood for what I figured out many years later was kiddie porn. At that time I didn't know what a movie camera was. DID can happen fairly easily at that age. I was the youngest. The older boys bullied me because I was the smallest and most vulnerable. This left me with severe deficits in ability to relate to people and I had all the symptoms of mental dysfunctionality from early abuse (dyslexia, ADHD, etc.) All of this was going on under the radar of all of the parents.

The whole thing was made much worse by being terribly abused in a scout camp when I was 12. I have already posted at length about that.

A journal I kept for awhile when I was about 20 years old was written in a different handwriting every day. Even the color of ink or pencil was different. The style of writing was different. No wonder I had trouble remembering the information required in order to pass an exams in college. I did succeed but not wonderfully.

When I became aware of the different alters I contained, (some won't like this idea), I could sense when there was a change of alter about to take place. Sometimes the alters emerged as a result of some kind of trigger. Sometimes they simply wanted to have their time in the driver's seat. When I started to sense what was going on (in therapy and by reading), I started to have some control over who would come out and when. One day I drove to the shopping mall as a 12-year-old alter. (not Buzzy and not necessarily advisable). I walked around the mall like that. I caught the attention of various people. People never said anything.

Some alters are depressed and they don't know why. Some get triggered easily and they don't know why. There is that prevailing amnesia, depression and anxiety before healing starts. The healing can start with the unveiling of the cause of the system. When the amnesia comes down, the anxieties go up!

Here is a recipe for healing. These things brought healing before I started therapy:
1) Marriage to a good woman (I think I was difficult but she was sweet)
2) I started having some trustworthy friendships.
3) I read and studied every day. Doing the same things every day will gradually break down the partitions.
4) I memorized long passages. (I actually memorized chapters of the Bible). Memorization is more difficult with DID because it has to transgress those alter partitions. But that's the very reason it's beneficial.
5) I was trusting God.

When I started working with a T in recovery, in my forties, I learned how to draw up the various younger alters by conscious choice. I started to integrate them by conscious choice. My T showed me how to do this in therapy sessions. I got "carried away" with the process and in impatience I started doing it at home. Like a runaway train I ended up crashing.

1) A diagram or list of the alters is constructed.
2) I prepared and memorized an agenda for each session.
3) I put on pre-recorded children's music.
4) I would put myself into deep relaxation in a dark, quiet place.
5) I Pressed the play button for the music.
6) A certain child alter (predecided) would come out and listen to the music.
7) I (adult outward me) would talk to the child alter. I had to convince him that he wanted to integrate. The reasons for integrating alters are: less confusion in the body, greater intellectual and physical strength, better rest, a feeling of healing. Reconciliation of what really is one anyway.
8) I would ask the child alter to integrate (The little child alters in me never refused).

It was exhausting to do the above list of activities. I would often fall asleep afterward. DID is exhausting anyway. Sometimes alters don't sleep at night and they can remain awake, keeping the body from fully resting. Some alters who remember abuse will plunge into a terrifying dreamlife during "sleep".

The exhaustion from this kind of activity can lead to sleep deprivation and vitamin deficiencies.

I was not able to do this integration scheme with the difficult alters. Buzzy who was age 12 and who had all the memories and contamination of terrible abuse would not consent to this strategy. So we dragged on for many months without healing in this area. I was co-conscious of being Buzzy and adult. I also had the ability to switch when I wanted to.

I compare this situation with the situation in the book: A Fractured Mind by Robert B. Oxnam:

http://www.amazon.com/Fractured-Mind-Multiple-Personality-Disorder/dp/1401308686/

Finally after years, EMDR brought unification of many of the difficult emotional systems.

Talk therapy has helped me to regain trust in people. First (in chronological order) friends, then wife, then therapist, then fellows in MS. Writing out our stories and our responses is very healing. I will post about this sometime soon.

The lasting result is an adult me who remembers a lot of evil stuff done to me and some good stuff from childhood. I still feel like a kid inwardly. I have had memory problems. I have posted elsewhere on memory problems. They are slowly yielding. I am slowly becoming a more joyful, more adult, more trusting person.

I had gained skill in certain important areas from a long time ago. But the skill was concentrated in certain alters. Unification of these alters in some cases left a deficit in the ability to access these skills. At least they were more difficult to tap into. I still haven't recovered some of the abilities left behind. But healing is well worth it. It was a terrifying roller-coaster ride to have DID.

Puffer

Why did I write this post? I've suffered a lot because of the DID systems sit up in me by others when they abused me. I cannot regain what I have lost in life. The best outcome is to share openly what my symptoms were and what contributed to their healing.

I was helped by many books and by hearing lectures and reading the books of James G. Friesen:
http://www.amazon.com/Uncovering-Mystery-MPD-James-Friesen/dp/1579100627/

http://www.amazon.com/Uncovering-Mystery-Mpd-Shocking-Surprising/dp/0840743858/





Edited by pufferfish (06/21/12 04:49 PM)

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#402537 - 07/04/12 10:25 AM Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder anyone? [Re: pufferfish]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA

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#402561 - 07/04/12 07:27 PM Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder anyone? [Re: pufferfish]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 342
Loc: Ohio
I think the escape key in the shorter general video is a great analogy for the switching phenomenon. Thanks for posting.

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#402565 - 07/04/12 08:23 PM Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder anyone? [Re: Blessedcurse]
Daniel_forgotten Offline


Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
completely.

let's say my "normal person" as you call it is called James. So James dissapeared from age 13 and this "Daniel person" who is writting to you right now along with a "charlie person" took care of things. So when I (Daniel)am 17 years old, I find out I am not real, I am an "Alteration" of James who chosed to be unaware of everything bad that happened.

So I not only discovered the other parts that are alive inside me are some kind of disease and that I am different to everyone else but also that I am not real.
I am up front almost all the time now. And everyone that knows I have DID tells me I should go to therapy. If I go to therapy, I am the one who should dissapear, I am the intruder. "James" is the one who should be here alone but he is also the one who feels ok about going back .. there.

Cure means death

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#402582 - 07/05/12 02:36 AM Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder anyone? [Re: Blessedcurse]
Blessedcurse Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 93
Chris: I'm sorry you have a tough time, hope it will be better.

Pufferfish: Thank you for the links and advice, I'll be sure to watch them when I feel stable enough. It seems to me I can't integrate on will, then my inner system just pretends to cooperate and the "integrated" part is playing dead inside until it can't anymore and I'm back to square one. Integration seems to be something that just happens gradually because of different parts merging together when cooperating about things. So EMDR helped? Seems spooky to me...

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#402583 - 07/05/12 02:43 AM Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder anyone? [Re: Blessedcurse]
Blessedcurse Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 93
Daniel: Oh I hear you! To me it is a bit similar, well, I've more and more learned to see that none of my parts is the real me but all of them are equally.

But yeah, in my childhood memories I always has this normal part wich is not me, who takes care of all the normal stuff and this part always felt as the "real" person while seeing all other parts as intruders. But then again, I was there too, taking care of all the abuse so normal part wouldn't have to. Who's to say she's more real than me.

Well I made an insight the other week that I am one person and that means that all parts are damaged. Taking a big part of yourself and declaring "this is not me" is not that particularly sane. So nobody is going to die in integration.

Must feel really hard for you to be the intruder. But I don't think anyone is. I think you are a part of the whole person that was forced to take sole responsibility for the whole life when the other part chose to be unaware. I think you are equally real and that integration must be about merging together, sharing the responsibility even for the bad stuff. Not dying.

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#445487 - 08/26/13 08:55 AM Re: D.I.D. (Possible Triggers) [Re: Blessedcurse]
GeorgeMartin Offline


Registered: 12/29/07
Posts: 192
Loc: USA
Researchers from the University of Iowa found that, when mice breathed air with increased levels of CO2 -- the same gas that builds up in people when they suffocate -- the mice responded by freezing in place. Upon further study, the researchers discovered that increased levels of CO2 produced higher pH levels in the mice, triggering a strong fear response in the part of their brains wired for survival. These studies might explain why, besides the obvious reasons, we panic when we're deprived of oxygen and, by extension, why asphyxiation is such a brutal method of torture.

When a person is choked, they are deprived of oxygen. In place of oxygen, one has an elevation of carbon dioxide CO2 which causes what is described above, but in the circumstances I am talking about, I would surmise the dynamic as more like “erotic asphyxiation” = what he (the perp) was doing. Repeatedly, he would do this, while the body was on the bed.

Why would anyone want to be in the body?

This whole suffocation dynamic unsettles me, because she (the "mother" of the house) used the SAME tactic, but with her hand(s) covering the nose and mouth, suffocating us into submission, or to get us to confess some perceived transgression(s) we’d retrospectively done or she’d accused us of doing.

It seems like there was a methodology to what the perpetrators of torment and torture were doing (i.e. planned - orchestrated - plotted). The restraints, whether it was by rope, or shirt sleeves being used to bind our hands, arms or legs, usually in the basement in our bed, I just cannot see as coincidentally or by “just circumstance.”

The ‘sock-in-the-mouth’ to keep us quiet, was yet another technique. I would rather use “us” instead of “I” or “me” when talking about this; simply because it doesn't give the wrong frame of being in those situations. I am not inferring my sibling was “involved” in any of these situations upstairs or downstairs as a victim or perp. I am sure, at the time, he must have been possibly aware of these two afore-mentioned perps doing these assaults against our persons; but he does not claim to remember anything of this nature; which causes me to DOUBT these “memories” of course.

I've said too much already...

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#445495 - 08/26/13 11:31 AM Re: D.I.D. (Possible Triggers) [Re: GeorgeMartin]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
GM

You didn't say too much. Those were thoughtful statements.

I'm learning so much about what I went through from several books. It amounts to a "breakthrough" for me:

Secret Weapons : Two Sisters' Terrifying True Story of Sex, Spies and Sabotage - Cheryl Hersha;

It helps me so much to see where I was when I was a dumb little kid.

Puffer

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#445507 - 08/26/13 03:58 PM Re: D.I.D. (Possible Triggers) [Re: Blessedcurse]
GeorgeMartin Offline


Registered: 12/29/07
Posts: 192
Loc: USA
Thanks Puffer, and while there was WEIRD stuff going in my childhood, I don't think it was my perpetrators or myself ever having allegedly been part of that MKUltra or any other "hidden" operative programs alleged to have existed or that might exist today. Of course, he was formerly in the Military and his nephew was also in the Air Force.

I was just a child at the wrong time; and just in the wrong place.....

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#445577 - 08/27/13 11:04 AM Re: D.I.D. (Possible Triggers) [Re: GeorgeMartin]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
I'm worried now that MKUltra worked on me (I think) when I was in the hospital for tonsillectomy when I was 13. I've known that evil things were done during my summercamp experience when I was 12. The abuser is shown in the YouTube vid at the end of the post. I've always suspected that some naughty things were done when I was under anesthetic for the tonsillectomy. Guys with DID don't respond to anesthetic the way everybody else does. There's can be an alter who will remain conscious during surgery. When it was all over, I couldn't talk (literally) above a whisper. What kinds of programming did they do? The aphonia lasted about 3 1/2 years. It may have been in Walter Reed Hospital, I'm not sure.

Were other things done that I just can't remember? Now it has occurred to me that my father might have been paid (yes money) to allow them to work on me. Why? They bought a new car a few months later. In one of the books I'm reading, a grandfather sold his granddaughter to the CIA for experimentation.

Reference: A Nation Betrayed: Secret Cold War Experiments Performed on our Children and Other Innocent People by Carol Rutz

My abuser (programmer) may be viewed in this at 5:53 in uniform without a hat leaning on the desk:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=prQpG1k9UcY

Puffer



Edited by pufferfish (08/27/13 04:45 PM)

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#446644 - 09/07/13 07:56 PM Re: D.I.D. (Possible Triggers) [Re: pufferfish]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
In the news a lot recently: sarin nerve agent.

If you want to see an introduction to what it is, look at the vid in the preceding post

Sorry, it has apparently been withdrawn. That shows that someone is following this.

Puffer



Edited by pufferfish (09/07/13 07:58 PM)

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#446662 - 09/08/13 04:06 AM Re: D.I.D. (Possible Triggers) [Re: Blessedcurse]
GeorgeMartin Offline


Registered: 12/29/07
Posts: 192
Loc: USA
Well, that DMCA..... Digital Millennium Copyright Act....

Lovely dear.... just lovely.... and to assume we all live in a FREE "civilization"....

That's like thinking Monkey's wear clothes and take the Tram to work every day....

There is a very FINE LINE between "Civilization" and the chaos of Man's ability to destroy that which is Creator's Creation.

It makes the "Wilderness" seem tame in comparison, don't you think?

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#446690 - 09/08/13 04:39 PM Re: D.I.D. (Possible Triggers) [Re: GeorgeMartin]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Well, yes.

Having did through my childhood and onward made things very difficult.

I had therapy for it a few years after I had strong memories of the abusive events.

Now I'm finding that I still have some very needy areas in my life. I know of two types of instances now where I still have D.I.D. In both of these I napped in the afternoon with either FM music or TV on. During deep sleep a part of me was still awake. The part remaining awake is an alter personality. I don't know much about him yet. But he doesn't sleep with the rest of the body but stays awake and listens deeply to the FM radio or the sound of the TV. After I awaken I have some memory of what was going on. He was awake today during whatever program (a 60's teen program) and began to weep loudly. So I think he's a teen or a kid. Another recent occurrence of this was when I was sleeping during CSI and he became very involved with the program.

This probably won't make sense to a lot of people, but to me it's real progress because I'm becoming aware of this stuff.

Puffer

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#446981 - 09/12/13 12:23 PM Re: D.I.D. (Possible Triggers) [Re: pufferfish]
pufferfish Offline
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Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
I found this in Facebook

http://www.upworthy.com/what-s-schizophrenia-like-a-woman-who-hears-voices-explains-it-beautifully-2

It is assumed that she has schizophrenia. She presents it so beautifully. However I take issue that it's schizophrenia. I think it's D.I.D. Of course I don't know all of the issues and symptoms involved. Schizophrenia is often misdiagnosed by those who are not familiar with D.I.D.

Why? The voices were connected with things done to her in her past. The voices didn't seem to be mostly fanciful, but seemed to be consistent with how alters respond in D.I.D. I have had this to some extent. Even as a small boy (age 8) I can remember having arguments with myself as I came home from school. Yet my behavior never seemed any more out of proportion than any other 8-year-old.

As my understanding of these matters sharpens, I realize that I'm constantly hearing music. It's like I have my own ROM player in my head. But it's good. It's nice. Doesn't everybody hear music in their head? How would I know? But I think they do sometimes. When things are quiet, or as I am getting into bed, I hear a repeat performance of some music I've heard or played recently. Yesterday my T looked at this matter. It seems that when I was being abused at age 4, I was in a crib in an upstairs room in the house of the guy who abused me. I was standing up in a crib where I was to sleep. I was enthralled as I listened to the music he played on the phonograph. He used lots of music in his profession. So now I still have that young guy in my head. He's listening to music. He not only listens, but he analyzes it. He takes it apart phrase by phrase and plays it back. He is still a kid because he hasn't ever had much chance to get out into the sunlight. But he's not the one who argues. There are others. They are capable of healing or becoming "integrated". Some of them are riddled with sexual emotion from abuse. They need help. Otherwise, would I want to "heal" the music guy? Maybe not.

Puffer

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#446998 - 09/12/13 03:18 PM Re: D.I.D. (Possible Triggers) [Re: Blessedcurse]
Jacob S Offline
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Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 611
Loc: where the shadows lie
Schizophrenia does often present voices that are connected with the patient's past (many hear their parents, for example). The voice she talks about is definitely somewhat dissociated from her own sense of self, but "the voice" doesn't seem to have its own interests and perception of consciousness.

I have DID. I also have auditory hallucinations of my mother yelling at me. A voice is not a personality, and the speaker never talks about another person taking over the body or holding different memories. From my limited perspective across a computer screen, Schizophrenia doesn't sound right either though because she talks about them being eased by being validated, and I've never heard of that in pure Schizophrenia. So it probably is on the dissociative spectrum.

Its definitely very interesting and thanks for sharing. Whatever the specific diagnosis, I think there is a lot here we can reflect on.
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#447014 - 09/12/13 07:43 PM Re: D.I.D. (Possible Triggers) [Re: Jacob S]
pufferfish Offline
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Loc: USA
Jacob S: That's an excellent response.

Puffer

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#447428 - 09/17/13 03:52 AM Re: D.I.D. (Possible Triggers) [Re: Blessedcurse]
GeorgeMartin Offline


Registered: 12/29/07
Posts: 192
Loc: USA
To me, I don't understand what's the big deal about alter personalities, multiple personalities, or dissociative identity disorder as they have called it. So what if somebody asks to see a person with this condition, to "switch". What are "we"???? Some Carnival Freak Show, now slapped all over You Tube, going from an American accent to some Cockney or Irish accent, as if that is a "switch" or personality?

That, to me, is a load of horse pucky pretender-acting-charlatan sort of stuff. I mean really, c'mon please.... stop the Hollywood...

Here's what I do know. First off, no one wants this condition. No one says, "hey, Frank, step into to this body, while I go get a drink will ya...." or "switches" just the heck of it, on a dime for anybody.

And even if it does happen, a "switch" in identity or what have you, it isn't like we want the aggressor's or the audience to know that we are gone... like hello, it is a cloaking mechanism. Abracadabra, poof someone else takes over the body. If the aggressor(s) know what's happening, they will insist that the switching/dissociating stop. Because the aggressor(s) want the victim(s) FULL ATTENTION, and if they know they don't have the victim(s) full attention, then there's trouble to be had.

So it is a INTERNAL condition (at least at first) wherein, it isn't 'seen' by anyone on the 'outside'. If it is 'seen' by people on the 'outside' then what's the point of having the condition at all(?) This isn't like Mr. Hyde and Mr. Jekyl. And it sure as heck isn't about 'accent change(s) either!

This condition isn't some movie scripted description either. It's not United States of Tara or Sybil or even When Rabbit Howls.

Primal Fear was an absolute joke. And there is Raising Cain with John Lithgow or that other actor Kevin Costner in Mr. Brooks, or even John Cusack in Identity. Hollywood has a long list of their very periodic obsessive curiosity regarding dual personalities, MPD, DID etc.

And I am just plain sick of it actually.

There are people out there in the world that mimic this MPD/DID condition, because they think it's cool, or it's faddish or whatever. Gets them some sort of attention, because they are insecure, so they pretend to be other people. I don't know what they have mentally, but sure as hell isn't dissociative identities or what have you. Not really.

Again, this condition, isn't something someone want's or desires to have, especially as they get older, because it gets more and more difficult to 'cover' to keep it all internally cloaked.

What really pisses me off is when some person comes up and says, hey how many personalities do you have? Or can you switch into a different personality for me?

This isn't like turning on a light switch, going into a room, and then when your leaving that room, you turn the light switch off. Perhaps to fakers that's how it is, but it isn't like that, not in reality for those that have this condition.

Oh and one other movie Fight Club, now that was a really awesome movie, but again, it's Hollywood we're talking about there. Not reality. DID isn't cool, it isn't fun, its not a 'status' like a embroidery patch sewn on a jacket either. Or getting a particular haircut because it's the IN thing...

Have you ever seen a cat stalk a bird? How it (the bird) is minding its own business thinking its a wonderful world, and then BAM some f'n cat comes along and tries to devour it. But as the heart rate increases in the bird, as the Adrenalin pumps into the birds system, it overloads its tiny body, and it seems to be, that it is lunch... then all of a sudden the bird amazingly gets a lucky hand, and escapes to fly off nearby, panting (out of breath or trying to catch its breath) and trying to recalculate this metabolic rate etc? One would surmise the bird would have died, immediately; but then it somehow survives. Only later, the bird is found dead laying on the ground, having been unable to live, after such an assault on it's fragile system, yet the predator has left the scene....

In the young human mind, this too happens, but somehow something else happens. The system re-configures itself, rewires internally, how the system operates, and every time an assault takes places, again it layers and layers a rewiring of the system happens. Eventually, then an extreme PTSD kicks in, even when there is no physical harm, but mere a perceived harm/ or threat, much like a soldier hearing a gun shot would duck, on conditioning, being at the library years later, a book falls, and he ducks again out of conditioning. With D.I.D., this is what happens, based on conditioning of the brain, in order to survive, real or perceived danger, usually biologically to the body, or mentally to the mind of a child.

It is done when the mind is soft, and internally malable, before the child becomes ready to begin the changes of puberty usually. Maybe it's how the wires or flow of chemicals and electrical circuitry is within the brain, that allows development of personality/personalities, in the beginning, that say for a 12 to 15 year old child or later in age, just can't do. The conditioning internally has to be done at an EARLY age. Also I think there has to be unpredictability within the environment, an overwhelming tension internally and externally for the child. One doesn't develop D.I.D. or formerly MPD just because they scrape their knees now and then.

Anyway, that's my thoughts for the early morning, about D.I.D.

George

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#447450 - 09/17/13 10:35 AM Re: D.I.D. (Possible Triggers) [Re: GeorgeMartin]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
Originally Posted By: GeorgeMartin

And even if it does happen, a "switch" in identity or what have you, it isn't like we want the aggressor's or the audience to know that we are gone... like hello, it is a cloaking mechanism. Abracadabra, poof someone else takes over the body. If the aggressor(s) know what's happening, they will insist that the switching/dissociating stop. Because the aggressor(s) want the victim(s) FULL ATTENTION, and if they know they don't have the victim(s) full attention, then there's trouble to be had.

So it is a INTERNAL condition (at least at first) wherein, it isn't 'seen' by anyone on the 'outside'. If it is 'seen' by people on the 'outside' then what's the point of having the condition at all(?) This isn't like Mr. Hyde and Mr. Jekyl. And it sure as heck isn't about 'accent change(s) either!


Thank you for saying this.

My wife has DID and has been having some trouble understanding it because it doesn't manifest itself at work or other times when having a "switch" would have adverse effects on her life. I have told her that most people are walking around with single-speed brains but her brain is like a mountain bike, it has adapted different modes for dealing with difficult terrain. I have been with her for many years and only recently have I started to see the subtleties between different identities and personality fragments. It is a process and we are both still learning a lot.
_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#447504 - 09/18/13 12:37 AM Re: D.I.D. (Possible Triggers) [Re: CruxFidelis]
pufferfish Offline
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I've been trying to think of some examples from everyday life that could illustrate what D.I.D. is like.

I think an 8-track tape might be an example. Suppose you are listening to an 8-track tape and you don't like the song being played. You hit the button and it switches to another track. Another song. The previous track is no longer there but it hasn't been erased. It can be played again later. It's like that.

Or, imagine a slide projector. The older type that threw light through a 2x2 image. When it's time to go to another image, just hit the button and a new slide comes into focus.

When a small child is in great distress, the child somehow "pushes the button" and a new track starts playing. As we become older, we lose the ability as we leave the realm of being a small child. Most will lose the ability to learn how to dissociate. What can cause enough distress to throw up another partition? Sexual abuse can. Or, physical abuse. The CIA used electric shock. Various types of torture can do it.

I have been realizing another trauma I experienced as a very small child. My mother was in some ways very insightful and she seemed to tell me things I would need to know "later". She had repeated several times that when I was a very small child I developed a severe ear infection. That was in the days before antibiotics had appeared. The infection behind my ear drum was building up dangerous and painful pressure. The doctor had her hold me down while he took a sharply pointed tool (a lance) and made a small cut in my ear drum. This allowed the pus to drain out. Would this have hurt? Extremely. I don't remember it consciously. But I feel certain that it was enough to start me on a path of "dissociation". When something became very painful I could switch to a new channel. Small children learn how to do it. They teach themselves.

Then when the sexual abuse started that I report in pufferfish story part 1, I already knew how to dissociate. It's as though a new compartment is thrown up and the intolerable emotions are stored in it. When the abuse is repeated time after time, the new compartment starts to become ornamented. New furniture is added (speaking figuratively of course) until the new room is livable. It can now be recognized as a livable room. As time goes on, the new room may acquire a separate name for itself, and separate ways to respond to the abuse and the memories of previous abuse. The partition between it and the original room prevents the two "rooms" from seeing each other. This is called "amnesia".

Then, when I was 12 years old, the abuse began that I report in pufferfish story part 5. It consisted of lots of sexual abuse and also physical torture. I wonder if the perpetrator had some way of recogizing that I already knew how to dissociate? That would make his job easier.

Puffer



Edited by pufferfish (09/18/13 12:43 AM)

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#447688 - 09/19/13 08:32 PM Re: D.I.D. (Possible Triggers) [Re: Blessedcurse]
GeorgeMartin Offline


Registered: 12/29/07
Posts: 192
Loc: USA
Yes, in Olga Trujillo's book she mentioned 'rooms' in her mind, some decorated and some doors locked etc.

I don't have that sort of internal 'environment'

I don't know what sort of internal world there is, because I am not supposed to know I guess.

"they" are quite separate from my awareness. Unless one of them wants to convey something to me, but so far, it's them to me, not me to them.

They know I told them to go away when I was younger, but they only hid or slept for some years, and then I began to 'crash' mentally due to triggers waking at least one of them back up, and then another would push the other one aside and take over the body again, taking it wherever. Later I would wake up, 'cover' for the lost time, and try to go on with MY life.

But this book by Olga Trujillo, The Sum of My Parts, is somewhat informative.

Another dynamic I have been reading about lately, is that Colin Ross now says, that D.I.D. is a psychotic disorder. Check it out it was on Youtube.com on a radio show with some Irish Radio host.

Perhaps D.I.D. is created out of a mental breakdown, or psychotic episode, that creates the delusions that one has alter personalities etc, I don't know. But if severe trauma or assault on a infant or child can create such a memory dysfunction, in that they 'shift' into thinking they are not in the body/mind, then dissociates into not feeling/seeing/hearing etc the trauma, could it create a variant form of schizophrenia, that is now called D.I.D.? Same bird, just different feathers...

How can a personality/ or state of being, with their own name, yet "thinks" they are younger than the body, conclude that they are younger than the body, when obviously the body is older? Or turn this around, in that a "part" thinks they are older than the body really is, biologically?

Therefore it would seem to be a delusional psychotic disorder, right?

Usually, alters/parts that are older than the body are 'protectors' and 'persecutor' alters are generally in between, and younger child "parts" are obviously, younger than the body biologically. But the perceptions of each is skewed and distorted. Perhaps because 'they' are internal and unaware of 'outside' time, therefore they age slower or faster' than the 'host' personality? It would seem to make sense, but while being outside/ in control of the body, wouldn't the younger or older personality actually come to realize just by looking at the body, that they are not, their stated ages, gender, etc?

This to me would indicate that it is on a dissociative/psychotic/delusional spectrum of mental impairment, of some kind akin to Schizophrenia, and that is why most D.I.D. people are often misdiagnosed?, as being Schizophrenic.

George

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#451591 - 10/28/13 04:25 PM Re: D.I.D. (Possible Triggers) [Re: GeorgeMartin]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
This afternoon I rediscovered the healing that comes through a particular type of resting. It seems that a good night's sleep is necessary but doesn't quite leave me feeling like I have achieved a healing rest. That's because I continue to heal from DID.

Periodically I sleep to music and I awaken feeling marvelously refreshed. I have found that (for me) Mozart is best. (favorite film Amadeus). I sleep in the car in a safe and quiet spot. I'm half-reclined. In that position my glottal passages don't close or flutter and I don't need a machine to support my breathing (CPAP not CRAP). I don't snore. I enter a deep sleep quickly. Part of my mind remains awake listening to Mozart. I can sometimes sleep a couple of hours like this. I awaken feeling as though I've had a healing rest. I feel as though the strabismus (eye sag), which is a symptom of traumatic dissociation, has achieved some degree of healing.

It seems as though the harmonics of beautiful music are healing to a torn mind. This is the opposite of how DID is created in young people. Sexual abuse and torture create DID in the young. Yes I know from experience. The CIA now uses a type of harmonics (controlled vibration of the brain) to create DID in children*. I don't know any details of this but it must be the opposite of what happens when I sleep while listening to Mozart. If they used that knowledge to bring healing it would be a wonderful thing.

It makes sense to me that if destructive vibrations (harmonics) can set up a diseased state in the mind, that musical vibrations can do just the opposite, that is bring healing.

If you've seen the movie Amadeus, you might remember the scene when Mozart rushes into the large room yelling, 'They've started without me' and they are playing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CNJlwRGUVm0

Puffer

* I can provide a reference on this if anybody is interested.


Edited by pufferfish (10/28/13 08:44 PM)

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#459875 - 02/01/14 12:34 AM Re: D.I.D. (Possible Triggers) [Re: pufferfish]
pufferfish Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Every example of DID is different. Because of this it is with some hesitancy that I offer this link. But it's something that I think needs to be discussed.

The video is the Dr. Phil show. Dr. Phil is interviewing a lady with DID or Multiple Personality Disorder

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpvYvtmhkZE

Puffer



Edited by pufferfish (02/01/14 01:06 AM)

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#459876 - 02/01/14 01:06 AM Re: D.I.D. (Possible Triggers) [Re: Blessedcurse]
SamV Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5945
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
I sleep in a car and wake rested and refreshed Puffer. It is very relaxing. I also find going to sleep while listening to a reading of the Bible disconnects me from anxious thoughts. I do not have a D.I.D. diagnosis, but I have suffered from the symptoms. I have experienced alters. I have also witnessed a switch, or transfer while I was communicating with another survivor.

Thank you for continuing to keep this very real disorder in front of us Puffer,

Sam
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