Newest Members
JohnWC, KKumar, J44, Anura, reynel5
12420 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
camdon (30), camdon greenwood (30), Denise (72), getteddie (66), morgoth (24), Ric (66)
Who's Online
2 registered (wearytraveler, 1 invisible), 38 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12420 Members
74 Forums
63772 Topics
445337 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4 >
Topic Options
#399881 - 06/09/12 07:30 AM Dissociative Identity Disorder anyone?
Blessedcurse Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 93
Is there anyone else who has a dissociative identity disorder? To me it's a huge problem and I think the biggest obstacle in therapy.

I just had a co-consiousness experience realising that though I see myself as the real person and the others as alters (particularly the "normal person" who lives my "normal life" and meets people, work, makes friends and so on), this might not be the case. I just recieved a glimpse of the normal persons view in wich I am the alter and the normal person is the real person who's life I just mess up with my flashbacks and self destructiveness.

This rocked my world. I have always felt as both an unwanted intruder in the normal persons life, and particularly an unwanted intruder in relationships. The normal person meets people, creates relationships and then I come along, loving them, wanting to be with them, and it feels so stupid because of course they don't want me, they want the normal person. This really messes up my relationships. Now I feel that maybe we are both the real me, in combination, and the normal persons relationships involve me too because we are both the same person.

I really need to talk about this but I don't know how to do it. In therapy I just get silent and embarressed when trying to be there 'cause I know it's the normal persons domain and I know I'm just crazy and stupid for having this experience of beeing someone else. An unwanted intruder in therapy as well.

Top
#399882 - 06/09/12 07:39 AM Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder anyone? [Re: Blessedcurse]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Hello Blessedcurse,

DID is overwhelming, I feel your frustration. We feel we are so stable and secure, and then in emotional situations, point of view or social interactions, we transfer to another alter.

Bc, please be patient. You are just beginning the healing. You are on a path that will show you where these come from, why they are here and how they can again become reunited into one amazing person. Read, research, ask questions and interview therapists until you find one you can trust with all the alters.

There are many DID, DD, DDNOS, and BPD experiences on this board, search them out and you will find commonalities in their experiences with your own.

Most of all, know that all of you are worthy of consideration, respect and support. Soon Bc, you will have rewarding, enriching answers that will help you continue to heal.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#399884 - 06/09/12 07:45 AM Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder anyone? [Re: Blessedcurse]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
I did a search for the word dissociative in MaleSurvivor.

One post that caught my eye was "Possible D.I.D. Diagnosis. http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...true#Post395951

Keep recovering! Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#399892 - 06/09/12 09:14 AM Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder anyone? [Re: Blessedcurse]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1708
Many if not most of us have the child we left behind or buried within ourselves. It is the child that for some is a fragmented part of who we are--but was and is always there. How it interacts within us will vary, for me it would take control when the other part of me was weakened with emotional turmoil and "I" could not control the child. Th "I" would leave, where "I" went I do not know--time was lost, other times I felt like a passenger in my body, and could see things around me, but "I" was not active in what was happening. The doctor and therapist use dissociation to explain what was happening to me. I gather dissociation has varying degrees and effects. The severity can vary from individual to individual. I was told everyone dissociates at times--daydreaming, but the length of time, severity and actions the person undertakes will differ--some more extreme.

I have learned to accept the fragmented child and the abuse. This has helped with episodes of lost time and feeling like a passenger in my body. I also understand, children exposed to trauma use dissociation to survive the traumatic events and it can become a coping mechanism we use throughout life to avoid emotional pain, torment and abuse. This coping mechanism separates the "I" from the other parts where the pain and hurt is buried.

I hope this helps because when I first heard this I was no way because the child was alien and felt like a different person, not part of me. I could not use the words the child was part of me. He was so different from me, hurtful and in pain. I learned over time, "I" buried all my pain and hurt with this part of me. And when the child could be in control it only knew the pain and hurt and thought that is how life should be. Well with a year of therapy, two support groups and wonderful supporters I, which now includes the child, knows this is not true. I was told this is the ying and yang of who we are.

Good luck

Top
#399894 - 06/09/12 10:26 AM Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder anyone? [Re: Blessedcurse]
Blessedcurse Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 93
Thank you for reading this and answering. For me, taking part in this community means taking a stance. The thing is I've been working on my healing for years but I haven't been involved, it has been the female alters. I've participated in forums like this but with most women and since my female parts started it the chose a female name. So through all of this I have kind of evaded the healing process, letting my female alters heal but kept the damages in this part of me.

So things are happening realy fast in my head now. I have allways felt like a fake female survivor, like of course raping girls is wrong and of course these women are nice to me when they think I'm a woman to but if they knew I'm a man they would understand my perspective, that I deserved it and wasn't damaged at all...

It is so incredibly difficult for me to get my head around that I am one person, the whole, this is me just as much as the normal person is me.

It is so strange. I have allways felt I don't live my life. I come around quite often, I mean I'm allways in here feeling like the true person, but then when I take over I feel the annoyance of the female parts and I feel that I'm intruding on their normal life, and at the same time I feel it should be my life but it's not.

Thing is, when I was a child we had our different parts of the life. I had the unnormal stuff, the abuse and everything around it. The normal girl had the normal life and the angry girl protected the normal girl and the kids, they would just take over in stressful situations sometimes.

But then abuse ended in my teens and ever since then I have had this enormous feeling of unreality. Like my world just dissapeared. The normal person is well suited for this life, I am not. So she would lead her normal life, making all descisions, keeping me away. And inside I was feeling that this is all just a lie, this is not real life, real life is pain and abuse and slavery. And so I became stuffed away like an embarrassing crazy alter.

But really I think, I have been feeling all the time, that the normal girl and I are equal. Both our life stories are true. It is just that her life continued as planned while mine totally changed and I have never gotten used to life without abuse. Now I see I have to heal like the others instead of just walking around thinking you heal, little girls, I'll move out one day and have my own body and give my self over as a slave to some sadistic perp...

No. The normal girls life is mine to. And mine is hers. We are the same and it is not fair for one of us to tell the other to go and hide because you are just messing up my life. Well she's messing up my life to! If it wasn't for her I'd be happily prostituted, drug addicted, engaged in traffiking and probably dead by suicide by now (bad joke but it is partly true and I am partly upset she has kept me alive).

It's just that we have this consensus she is the normal one and I am the crazy one. It doesn't nessesarily have to be true, just because her way of life is less self destructive than mine. Declaring a big part of yourself as "not me" is not all that sane. We both do it eaqually. I have DID and so has she. There is no sane normal alter.

Oh, now I can feel her upsetting in my head. I better stop this writing.

Top
#400374 - 06/13/12 08:40 PM Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder anyone? [Re: Blessedcurse]
cris40ky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/20/11
Posts: 188
Loc: KY, US
Blessedcurse, gonna have to write more later. But I can understand somewhat as I have opposite gender parts. Sometimes I wish they are as strong as you seem to be.

Encouraging your equal voice.

Top
#400404 - 06/14/12 05:20 AM Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder anyone? [Re: Blessedcurse]
Blessedcurse Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 93
Thank you Cris! So much has happened in my system since joining this forum. It's like we are talking about being the same for the first time, and that gender does not matter at all. Abuse is abuse anyway. To me it feels like the first time hearing this even though I know I have been told about it before. It never felt right but now it does.I wasn't less injured because of being boy and I wasn't abused becouse I was a boy. And we are all the same in here. So the feelings and abilities of the female alters are mine too. Mindblowing...

Top
#400487 - 06/15/12 07:51 AM Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder anyone? [Re: Blessedcurse]
cris40ky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/20/11
Posts: 188
Loc: KY, US
Originally Posted By: Blessedcurse
I wasn't less injured because of being boy and I wasn't abused becouse I was a boy. And we are all the same in here. So the feelings and abilities of the female alters are mine too. Mindblowing...


Definitely mindblowing! "We", meaning me/us are a very recent realization. So haven't been accepting my own parts for very long. But accepting "I" am a system is mindblowing. Very hard to put into words. And so rare, it seems, when somebody else "get's it".

Gender is a touchy subject for a lot of folks. Inside, though, we are all the same! These female parts of me have skills that got me through this far.

Right now, though, am dealing with repressed memories from the littlest of "us". Accepting that little boy exists, validating him, and giving him permission to tell his story is being difficult. Ugly work. Necessary. Seeing that boy that is not us but is still us has made all the other parts stand out as well. Mindblowing.

I've got a question. It may be better suited to a PM, so if you want to answer that way, please do. But could also help other folks lurking around the board to ask it here.

Do you also "feel" the physical "body" of your female alters? I have for years. Never, ever talked about it till recently with T. Am curious what this is like for others.

Top
#400489 - 06/15/12 09:15 AM Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder anyone? [Re: Blessedcurse]
Blessedcurse Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 93
Accepting little boys memories is so hard, I know. It's like the things that happened when I was older and possibly already split, are less traumatizing to remember. Like I did have some kind of language and thinking to explain it all. From the littlest boy there is only pain and confusion and terror. So hard to deal with.

About the female alters. Well, I'm not sure as my perseption of everything changes when I swich. I know when I'm in my female alter I'm not exactly delusional about the body. I know how my body looks, it just doesn't feel like mine. And I get surprised every time I see myself in a mirror since it doesn't look like me at all. I have a clear view of what my female alters look like, like there is a different person in there that just should have had her own body. And yes, sometimes I feel her body as well and at those times I get really upset when being reminded of my biological sex. But it's not like I walk around having to bodies, not really, no. More like two (or more) souls in one body, in constant competition of who owns it.

Just today I was crying in my therapitsts office, overwhelmed with fear that I be transsexual and would need surgery to ever feel right. This is something I have feared since puberty. Therapist sais surgery would only make the male part of me feeling like having the wrong body. Just like now but reversed.

Top
#400490 - 06/15/12 09:17 AM Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder anyone? [Re: Blessedcurse]
Blessedcurse Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 93
cris: How do you feel the physical body of your female alters? And do you feel that there is a place for all of you or that someone has to give up their claim to the body? It helps me so much to talk about this with someone who understands and has a different view.

Top
Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.