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#399468 - 06/05/12 11:22 AM Why do kids with CSA end up the way they are?
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Why do kids with CSA end up the way they are?

1) Survival - all we knew.

2) The devil you know versus the devil you don't. There's something comforting in staying with your partner - bad relationship and all - because at least you know what's next. Why we end up in neglectful and/or abusive relationships. We ask for them.

3) Fear that this is the best there is out there. -- It's all we knew.

4) "It's not that bad." We don't know any different.

5) If I'm only perfect, someone will notice me. I'm never good enough for my abuser(s).

6) He/she has some sort of leverage. Often men who are truly abusive threaten a woman, saying he will hurt her children, her pets, or her family if she leaves him.

They are adults and in-charge.

7) Taught to "love" them no matter what.

8) If I was only perfect, they wouldn't abuse me.

9) They manipulate. Nice things are payoffs. Kids think it's a trade-off.

10) You can't see how truly bad it is because we are isolated so we think it's all like that.

Came from:

Why Good Women Stay In Bad Relationships

(check down to see how CSA works)

When people think about an "abused woman," they probably don't picture a strong, smart, intelligent, and sassy kind of person. I'd guess they'd picture a housewife wearing Mom jeans crying into her apron over her latest black eye.

Couldn't be farther from the truth. ANY woman can get caught up in a bad relationship - be it the executive down the hall or the janitor who sweeps up after you in the ladies room.

So let's break down those stereotypes and figure out why women - all KINDS of women - stay in bad relationships.

1) Fear of being alone. I know in this day and age, we women are supposed to be tough and fearless, but it's not always the case. We can behave as though we're tough and fearless, while inside, we long to be wanted by our partner.

2) The devil you know versus the devil you don't. There's something comforting in staying with your partner - bad relationship and all - because at least you know what's next.

3) Fear that this is the best there is out there. A lot of people - women who have been in bad relationships, especially - have their self-esteem eroded slowly by their partner (and life) so much that they honestly believe their current partner IS the best they'll ever get.

4) "It's not that bad." I don't know how many times I've run across those words on my non-profit site, where we get a great number of domestic abuse stories sent in to us. Women believe erroneously that because their story isn't as graphic or as horrible as someone else's, it's not really worth it to talk about their partners who really only get upset when they "do something wrong."

5) You're a perfectionist. Everything you do is the BEST out there. Therefore, your relationship must not be broken, it's just facing "challenges." The idea of failure is so tremendous that leaving never even crosses your mind.

6) He has some sort of leverage. Often men who are truly abusive threaten a woman, saying he will hurt her children, her pets, or her family if she leaves him.

7) You love him - plain and simple.

8) You believe he will change. He says he will. He's TRYING to change. You just make him SO MAD. If only you STOPPED making him SO MAD!

9) He makes you feel special beyond compare. Even if you're not quite good enough (his words), he'll manipulate you into feeling grateful that someone like him could be with someone like YOU.

10) You can't see how truly bad it is. Whether it's because you've been isolated from friends or family or you don't want to see how bad things are, you don't have any idea things have gotten this dire.

http://thestir.cafemom.com/love_sex/138410/why_good_women_stay_in

*********
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#399476 - 06/05/12 12:12 PM Re: Why do kids with CSA end up the way they are? [Re: phoenix321]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Other thoughts. These observations are drawn from my own experience and reading, and being a moderator in MS. I know they may not fit other situations.

1. The family structure of the abused kid sets him up to be abused outside of the home. If the kid was lonely or badly treated, then he will be looking for love and companionship. This makes him vulnerable to advances by the perpetrator.

2. There are different methods used by perps. The perps I experienced were "hit and run" for the most part. They were not interested in relationship. They might cajole the boy at first to gain compliance, or they would use direct force. They had no interest in the future or the development of the boy as a person.

3. The perpetrator uses various types of threats and intimidation to get the boy to not talk. These actions further damage the boy's relational abilities.

4. The boy has absorbed a great deal of shame and feels disconnected from peers and other people.

5. The boy may have been "sexualized". That means that his innocence sexually has been lost and he has acquired a "taste" for sexual activity. This means that he may resort to sexual activity with other boys or the perpetrator instead of developing friendships based on fun and games.

6. The threats and intimidation from the perpetrator leave scars on the boy's ability to communicate with parents or teachers, or other boys.

7. The family of the boy may have some level of knowledge of what has happened, even though it may be subconscious. Sometimes (usually) they respond wholly inappropriately. That means that sometimes the boy is treated roughly by the father or mother or both, more so than before. This further forces the boy out from what little love exists in the family. It further disintegrates the family structure.

8. The family or even the school may resort to punishment of the boy. This doesn't help the boy but rather comes across as further rejection. If law enforcement becomes involved, then the abused boy can be even more roughly treated and stigmatized.

9. The abusive experience and the emotion it causes in the boy throws his social radar out of focus, making it difficult to find or make new friends. This results in further loneliness and vulnerability.

10. The boy's ability to perform in school (academically) is damaged and this results in further disengagement from the school system. The school may begin what it sees as needed disciplinary action. This further alienates the boy and results in hostility to a "system" which not only abuses him, but then becomes a threat to his more delicate livelihood. In other words, the school and other institutions are acting directly opposite to what would be in the interest of the abused boy. The schools are setup to handle kids on an assembly-line basis. When a boy steps out of line for reasons caused by people who have hurt him, he becomes a problem to the school. The school then feels stress and responds with harshness.

11. The boy is likely to enter a spiraling depression. He may try to self - medicate using drugs or alcohol. Other defense mechanisms may work as a temporary fix but ultimately contribute to the damage: Disassociation is an internal fix which may further alienate a boy form the "system". Disassociaton was a huge issue for me and I'm sure that's true for many others.

12. The boy may be shunned or bullied by other boys. This may happen in ways that are totally out of sight of parents and teachers.

I think there are other points, which I will add as I think of them.

Allen (Puffer)





Edited by pufferfish (06/05/12 12:19 PM)

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#399496 - 06/05/12 02:13 PM Re: Why do kids with CSA end up the way they are? [Re: phoenix321]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Puffer/Allen,

Not to be callous, but what did you do to recover from it? I have no clue myself. Thanks.
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#399595 - 06/06/12 02:32 PM Re: Why do kids with CSA end up the way they are? [Re: phoenix321]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Puffer,

Your observations are extremely helpful here. Thank you for this insightful piece. Very, very helpful.

D.
_________________________
Female.

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