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Hi LAD!

Sorry to hear that your mother's responses aren't really helpful to you or understanding of your situation.

It's really rotten that we have to pick and choose who we talk to about our suffering. I'm dealing with a traumatic major loss of someone very close to me. I've learned that there are people who CAN. NOT. hear what I have to say; it seems that they are too uncomfortable, or too comfortable in their blissful ignorance.

If your mom can't deal with it now, it doesn't mean that she won't ever. Nor, does it mean that there's no one who can't listen compassionately to you.

You've been through so much recently and in your childhood. Hoping you find the support and love you so richly deserve.

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Thanks for the hugs LAD. I'm doing alright now. Better living through pharmacy.

How are things going with your Mom?

I think that beyond what you've already tried to tell her, the best thing would be to present her with one of the standard books on male abuse. Good books are by Gardner and Singer.

If she's not a book reader then print out some articles from online or somewhere and give them to her. It's really hard for someone in your mom's position to understand. A book or article would allow her to learn about stuff without you being there. When you are there and telling her stuff she is either setting up a defense mechanism or she gets conflicting emotions and is confused about how to think about those matters.

There are some other books which I started to read with my wife because my wife who'se normally a very understanding person just couldn't understand matters of abuse. The best are by Torrey Hayden. Give her one of these or read it with her. Most of them are true stories. They are interesting and well written.

Twilight Children
One Child
Beautiful Child
The Tiger's Child
Somebody Else's Kids
Murphy's Boy


Puffer

Hi, I am sorry your Mom is not able to help you in the way you need right now. She may not be the best person to talk to, so it is good you have this forum. I hope you are able to find other groups or resources to help you heal. Your Mom may have her own issues; often people who have been assaulted want as much as anyone to believe that it did not really happen, to themselves or to others, or they want to redefine it otherwise. She likely would feel terribly guilty that she did not protect you, so it would be easier to believe it did not happen. She may well have been abused herself and denial is the pattern she has learned also. That you are having such difficulties and looking at your situation and trying to understand yourself and your history is the best thing to do right now. healing is possible. You can get through this.

I come from a family, from a culture really, that demands silence and denial of all things "imperfect," so I sympathize with your anger and frustration.

...as painful as it may feel, your family just may never be what you need them to be...that "serenity prayer" is so true...I think anyone who embraces it has a happier experience in life...

Lifes a Dream, dont take it personally it may be more to do with her than you, I know my Mum has such low self esteem, she couldnt possibly see what is really happening in her childrens lives because she may have to question her ability as a parent. If we are not perfect, how could they have been perfect parents that made perfect choices?? Maybe that is why it is such an unbearable place to go for them, doesnt help you, I know, Im feeling your pain buddy. As you saw i had a melt down over it the other day, i think mum would have done things differently if she had of known what the consequences of her choices were. But she couldnt do what she didnt know how to. I think at the moment she cant hear what i have to say because she is beating herself up over the fact that she didnt know then what she does know now. I dont know i could be wrong, but this makes it bearable, most of the time, for me, and I cant change her. At the end of the day i know she would take it all away for me if she could, and she probably thinks that making light of it or dismissing my thoughts is making it feel better for me because im not dwelling on it.

My mum has often asked me if im looking for someone to blame, my gut tells me, that even if i dont blame her, somewhere in her head she does.