I feel left with all this stuff - stuff to do with emotional, physical and sexual abuse between the ages of 12 and 17 that I tried for a lifetime to deny, ignore, stuff down and make go away, only to have it rear its ugly head at the age of 40 and nearly destroy me, namely through drinking and unrecognized PTSD. Now I am sober and working hard at recovery and am moving closer to the "stuff" thru therapy. However, now I feel left with it, like now that I have this burden what do I do with it? I'm really not good at this. My reaction to most problems is to find a solution through clear thinking and taking action but with this stuff I feel clouded with no course of action and it feels like it will be forever attached to me. In therapy I am told that there is no way around this work, that the only way is through it, which on the surface I recognize but I'm tired of feeling worse for doing something that I started to do to feel better, if that makes any sense.

I'm feeling this way tonight. I have no idea where to go. I'm left. I feel like sometimes I'm losing myself despite desperately wanting to hold onto the things that make me uniquely me. I was looking back at a conversation I had with a friend of mine who had been raped and such. She had little self-esteem in herself, and I offered her this:

"Sometimes people take away what isn't theirs and all it takes to regain those things is saying that they took something that wasn't theirs to take."

I had something taken from me. It wasn't theirs to take, and I want it back. I'm not taking no for an answer either. The only answer I'll accept is yes, I'll give it back.

"I" am more important than "stuff". "I" decide where my life goes. No one else does this for me. "I" feel such...

I'd start there. I'm going to try to at least. Hope this helps.

Thanks. The part about people taking things from me that wasn't theirs to take I recognize, but at the same time it makes me angry that I have to do all the work to get back what is (or was) rightfully mine and they get off scot free. Yet another issue I have to work on. Sorry that I sound so dismal this evening but its just how I'm feeling.

Hi JLS

so I can give you a whole bunch of sayings like It gets worse before it gets better, Strong character is forged through a lot of heat and a lot of hammering and so on. But I dont think that this will make you feel better.

As one that has been through and is still on this journey, all I can say is keep your eye on the prize.
Work out what the prize is, a life lived to the fullest, a life filled with real love and affection. A life free of pain and anguish. Keep your eyes on the prize and make those small sacrifices, it is but a moment in time compared to the rest of your life.

So starting of not wanting to give you clichés, I think I just gave you a whole bunch of them. But hey, you cant mess with what works.

Heal well
Martin

Yes, that makes total sense. It's a huge burden that has had the chance to fester for decades! When it is brought out into the light of day, it wants to rebell. Don't allow it. If it hurts, then at least you know you're dealing with it. This is much better than being frustrated with a therapist that won't deal with it-been there, more than once!

Thankfully I've no complaints about my therapist. She specializes in reoovery from csa, and from addiction, so she suits me perfectly. If anything it is her work with me that is dragging all the stuff out into the light, as you say. However, while it is a good thing it doesn't make it easy.