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#399239 - 06/03/12 04:44 AM .
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 10:23 PM)

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#399240 - 06/03/12 05:30 AM Re: I shouldn't be here - I'm a fake CSA survivor [Re: Life's A Dream]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Bryan, whats up?
You are not contaminating this place by your presence, be sure in that.
Don't be so negative about yourself, you have a lot to offer to others. Please calm yourself, you are nice guy and we need such buddies around no matter if we are survivors, "normal" or "not so normal" guys...
(((Life)))
_________________________
My story

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#399245 - 06/03/12 08:14 AM Re: I shouldn't be here - I'm a fake CSA survivor [Re: Life's A Dream]
Randy65 Offline


Registered: 04/14/12
Posts: 109
Loc: Jonesboro, Arkansas
Hi Bryan,
You are amongst people who understand. I repressed my abuse for 42 years I'm just getting pieces of the puzzle now. I don't have physical evidence either. I must tell you that your posts have helped me. Please know that you are a blessing to people like me and your comments and posts are very important to me. You give me hope and reason.
Stay strong my friend and please do not leave us.
Your survivor brother,
Randy
_________________________
My Story of CSA
http://youtu.be/EJIlKCRL_6M

My Story of CSA: The Day God Entered My Heart
http://youtu.be/vpCWEp6u9zM

My Story of CSA: "Flashbacks" (Trigger Caution)
http://youtu.be/xLd5Fe-MxVM



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#399246 - 06/03/12 08:16 AM Re: I shouldn't be here - I'm a fake CSA survivor [Re: Life's A Dream]
ANDREW63 Offline


Registered: 08/27/11
Posts: 164
Loc: Australia
Hi Mate , you belong here with us ,you are NOT contaminating this place .....you stay here !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!,Andrew.
_________________________
LOOK AT ME NOW I AM A SURVIVOR !My inner child and I are now doing this together !

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#399247 - 06/03/12 08:19 AM Re: I shouldn't be here - I'm a fake CSA survivor [Re: Life's A Dream]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3519
Loc: somewhere in Africa
LAD - snap out of it! we've been through this before, remember?

Come on back to earth. you belong with us if anyone does. all the symptoms are there. you are not faking them.

hang on. self-condemnation will get you nowhere.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#399250 - 06/03/12 09:12 AM Re: I shouldn't be here - I'm a fake CSA survivor [Re: Life's A Dream]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Hey LAD

I know when u first got here part of your history was being told by your Mother that you were abused from ages 3-9.

Is there reason to doubt what she said?

I also note your ongoing struggles with drugs- and in the past 7 years of drinking. I know I cannot gain footing in my life or understanding of who I am or where I came from if I am escaping through any addictive substances. Hell, even zoning out with TV or the Internet fogs my mind and confuses me as to productive action (much less the porn and alcohol I quit a number of years back.)

So if you are on a path that is clear headed, sober, have face to face support and accurate information from your mother about the abuse and have at least started with a T or have reads some of the books and articles suggested here on MS, then you can constructively engage the question you ask.

It's about creating a safe environment to look at ones life.

Then there is the point my T told me early on- I need to work on improving my life and resolving the many issues I face as a result of my abuse and early life experiences and bad choices. The details of my abuse aren't nearly so important as making my life work TODAY.

Let me know where you are with this, will you?




Edited by Mountainous Buck (06/03/12 09:22 AM)
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#399296 - 06/03/12 10:05 PM * [Re: Life's A Dream]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 04:39 PM)

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#399308 - 06/04/12 01:20 AM Re: I shouldn't be here - I'm a fake CSA survivor [Re: Life's A Dream]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
I think its safe to say many of us feel as if we are "fakes". I say so since sexual abuse survivors are always made to feel illegitimate in that we are conditioned to believe our feelings and beliefs about our experiences either aren't real or don't matter. This goes equally for those who can recall the abuse as it does for those who can't. I, for example, can remember the abuse but am so dissociated from my feelings about it that it feels like it happened to someone else, which leads me to feeling the same way you do - that I'm somehow "faking it" that what happened to me should somehow count or matter. Anyways like I said you are certainly not alone in how you are feeling. Please try and remember this before deciding to leave us.
_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


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#399314 - 06/04/12 02:40 AM Re: I shouldn't be here - I'm a fake CSA survivor [Re: Life's A Dream]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
***triggers?****

My mother told me I was lying when I found out. Of course, she's living in her delusional land of everyone is so nice and god protects one against anything and really nothing bad happened to me anyway. You know what pisses me off about her? I expected my sperm donor wouldn't give a shit and probably enjoyed it happened. He's that way. But, I was floored mom didn't give a shit. There is absolutely no other way to explain my lack of having a life but the rape at 3.5 years old for me. What kind of kid dreams about sex with much 'older' people at 8,9 years old? Older meaning 20s and 30s. And, starts reading books on the subject at 9. What kind of kid has a nervous breakdown at 5 years old?

I still think it was better than my abusive household I lived in. The two pedos never told me I was worthless or stupid or slapped me in the face or beat for no reason. That's pretty bad, huh? I still ask, what was the big deal? That's because I have no idea how to fix the aftermath. I despise my sperm donor way more than my rapists. I'd shoot my rapists in the head. I'd torture my sperm donor.

LAD, you've spoke with clarity on the subject of your sex abuse. It's such a terrible thing we don't want to believe it and we repress it. Short-term that works beautifully. Long-term if leads to disaster. You wouldn't be asking questions if it hadn't happened. Right? Thinking you have Munchausen's Syndrome is just another form of repression. Right? Makes sense to me because Munchausen's Syndrome involves physical illness not emotional I think.
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#399325 - 06/04/12 04:47 AM Re: I shouldn't be here - I'm a fake CSA survivor [Re: Life's A Dream]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
HI LaD

Just come from therapy, and the discussion was, Was I really abused by my mom.
I still have doubts, cant remember and there was no real sex involved so is it real. She just used to play with.
So how do I look at the thing now.
1) My life is a cock up.
2) I am an alcoholic.
3) I am sexually dysfunctional.
4) My marriage is a mess.
5) Hell I am a mess
6) I match all the traits of a survivor.

So the thing is, If you read about all the traits that survivors have do you match a lot of them. Are the pertinent in your life?

If it looks like an egg and tastes like an egg, then it is probably an egg.

You are the only one that can decide what it is.

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#399347 - 06/04/12 11:02 AM Re: I shouldn't be here - I'm a fake CSA survivor [Re: Life's A Dream]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""



Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 06:15 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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#399349 - 06/04/12 11:11 AM Re: I shouldn't be here - I'm a fake CSA survivor [Re: Life's A Dream]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1790
So well said bodyguard8367. A child is a child-and being unable to talk about it or accept it is what a child does so well. My child was within me, but by being present in support and with my T, the child has become part of me, no longer fragmented from me.

Yes, Life's A Dream you are here for the right reasons--to heal and accept the past and most importantly accept it was not your fault and the guilt and shame are not yours. Heal well and everyone is here for you.

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#399358 - 06/04/12 12:43 PM Re: I shouldn't be here - I'm a fake CSA survivor [Re: Life's A Dream]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi LAD,

As has been said already, many of us at times feel like "it" never happened. It's proven statistically at over 80% that if we think we were abused as kids, we were. This is very common among SA survivors.

There are things that I still don't what they are about; I only know there is "something else" waiting to come out of the darkest recesses of my mind. My doctor said that this is my brains way of keeping me safe until I am ready to process it.

Same thing is probably what's going on in your head. Think long and hard before you leave the site. The people here, between us all we have seen it all and had it all happen to us and will be more than willing to help you.

John
_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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#399373 - 06/04/12 03:50 PM Re: I shouldn't be here - I'm a fake CSA survivor [Re: Life's A Dream]
Daniel_forgotten Offline


Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
you don't contaminate anything i promise. You help a lot of us. I hope we help you too.

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#399415 - 06/04/12 10:43 PM Re: I shouldn't be here - I'm a fake CSA survivor [Re: Life's A Dream]
ShortedDiode Offline


Registered: 11/26/11
Posts: 109
Loc: Hamilton, ON Canada
LAD,

Even if there's no cold hard proof (my CSA didn't leave physical evidence I can point to so there's no irrefutable proof it happened for me either but that makes it no less real), there's too much smoke for there not to be any fire. I hope you decide to stay because you're with friends who understand here.
_________________________
If it's a choice between laughing or crying, I'd rather laugh.

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#399419 - 06/04/12 11:58 PM Re: I shouldn't be here - I'm a fake CSA survivor [Re: Life's A Dream]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1491
LAD -

Whether Munchausen's Syndrome or not, you contribute to the collective discussion here. Are you discussing this with someone who is trained to guide you through an accurate diagnosis? I know that for me, I went through a lot of my life minimizing what happened to me. I never saw it as sexual abuse, even though it was not only CSA but quite severe. It's part of the damage of CSA in a way - like being in the middle of a hurricane, we have little true perspective. Our sense of "normal" gets so screwed up.

You are certainly not contaminating anything for me. I mean, we're all contaminated anyways, right? How many others can we truly share this crap with and not get the jaded eye? Our worth here on the boards is not measured by how little we contaminate others. It is measured by our willingness to share openly and honestly. I appreciate your presence here, and the candor with which you approach yourself.
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#399432 - 06/05/12 04:23 AM . [Re: Life's A Dream]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 10:23 PM)

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#399437 - 06/05/12 06:19 AM Re: I shouldn't be here - I'm a fake CSA survivor [Re: Life's A Dream]
dragon Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 355
Loc: on the river between Hades n V...
bro, i am just seeing this and yes i am saying this now... do not go please. just bc you can't remember it happening, the fact of matter is what your mom saw and stuff accounts for it... you were young and prolly blocked it out really really well. no need to go.

(((((LAD))))
Jayy
_________________________
I don't want to look back;I just want to start again;Somebody save me--- Pop Evil: Broken and Betrayed

I want justice I want you overthrown;I want courage I want to stand alone;I want your arrogance and I want your pain;I want your everything and I want you dead--- Rev Theory: Justice

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#399492 - 06/05/12 01:26 PM Re: I shouldn't be here - I'm a fake CSA survivor [Re: Life's A Dream]
Crusoe Offline


Registered: 04/20/12
Posts: 15
Loc: Dubai
LAD,

I have found your posts helpful, and I really relate to what you feel.

I came here a few weeks ago with the advice of my wife. I have read through some of the site... I will admit I am going at my own pace (almost reverse). But I haven't visited the site in a few weeks.

I feel VERY FAKE. I told my wife I didn't relate to the stories I was reading because I have no memory of abuse at all. I don't have any suggestion of SA from anybody and never would have believed I was SA'ed. It is only the problems I am having in adult life that match a lot of the symptoms of survivors that points to me having been the victim of CSA.

I have no memory of any events or any proof of any events. I have no idea as to who could have abused me. That leaves me feeling very lost. I feel like I am just looking for the reason for all my problems, like some kind of excuse. I don't want to believe I have been abused. I don't know who I should blame or who is responsible if I have been abused. I don't know if I should be angry or who I should be angry with. I feel frustrated, alone and I am so scared.

My wife suffers all of my behavioural problems and my marriage is in a terrible state because of the way I react and behave.

I am sorry if I offend anybody reading this but I actually envy those that remember and know where there problems originate. At least you know where to start with treatment. I keep seeing psychiatrists who vary from telling me I am normal to OCD and are unable to help unravel where my problems originate.

Your posts have definitely helped me. Don't go.

Your bravery and help towards others is invaluable.

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#399730 - 06/08/12 01:19 AM Re: I shouldn't be here - I'm a fake CSA survivor [Re: Crusoe]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3519
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: Crusoe

I feel VERY FAKE. I told my wife I didn't relate to the stories I was reading because I have no memory of abuse at all. I don't have any suggestion of SA from anybody and never would have believed I was SA'ed. It is only the problems I am having in adult life that match a lot of the symptoms of survivors that points to me having been the victim of CSA.

I have no memory of any events or any proof of any events. I have no idea as to who could have abused me. That leaves me feeling very lost. I feel like I am just looking for the reason for all my problems, like some kind of excuse. I don't want to believe I have been abused. I don't know who I should blame or who is responsible if I have been abused. I don't know if I should be angry or who I should be angry with. I feel frustrated, alone and I am so scared.

My wife suffers all of my behavioural problems and my marriage is in a terrible state because of the way I react and behave.

I am sorry if I offend anybody reading this but I actually envy those that remember and know where there problems originate. At least you know where to start with treatment. I keep seeing psychiatrists who vary from telling me I am normal to OCD and are unable to help unravel where my problems originate.


Crusoe-

you may feel lost and alone, frustrated and scared, but there are many of us who understand all of that and can stand with you even when you don't know why you are having the problems you are experiencing. we ALL have had those feelings and sometimes many of us still do.

as one of those you envy, (i remember much of what happened to me) let me say i am not offended by it, but believe me - it's no piece of cake either! i have recovered numerous additional memories and also more details of older memories while in therapy.

if you are not sensing any progress, maybe you have not yet found the right T. have any of those you have seen been specialists in CSA? that would be helpful, i think. and my T tells me it is not even necessary to have remembered everything in order to move on and start healing the negative effects. like - you don't have to know where you picked up a germ in order to treat the physical symptoms.

anyone you could ask about your childhood who might have some clues?

anyway - keep at it. the work is not easy or quick - but it is possible to move on. sooner or later, i believe you will know more.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#399860 - 06/09/12 12:59 AM . [Re: Crusoe]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 10:19 PM)

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#399868 - 06/09/12 05:08 AM Re: I shouldn't be here - I'm a fake CSA survivor [Re: Life's A Dream]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3519
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Sounds like a big breakthrough, LAD!
i know you've been expecting/fearing/looking forward to this for a long time.

i don't know whether to say congratulations or my condolences.

be prepared for more memories to come along now. for me, it was surprising how many memories - and the irregularity of the timing was something that kept me off-balance. just don't stress over what comes next. it will come when it comes...

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#399875 - 06/09/12 06:39 AM . [Re: Life's A Dream]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 10:19 PM)

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#399934 - 06/09/12 07:27 PM Re: I shouldn't be here - I'm a fake CSA survivor [Re: Life's A Dream]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3519
Loc: somewhere in Africa
yeah - like being in a tunnel and rushing fast away from the other end, but everything seems to still look the same size...
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#399949 - 06/09/12 10:35 PM . [Re: traveler]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 10:18 PM)

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#400071 - 06/10/12 10:42 PM Re: I shouldn't be here - I'm a fake CSA survivor [Re: Life's A Dream]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3519
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
... And I had another moment of certainty this morning. It's as if only the emotional channel of the memory were coming back to me, and I can't see anything else, but it's so sharp it outlines what I can't make out- ...
... This could be far more painful than I thought. ... This is really gonna suck, isn't it?


LAD - i think that since you were so young at the time of this/these experience(s) - most of your memories will not be as detailed in terms of visual details of setting, other people/players, or a narrative-type sequence of events. maybe more the physical sensations like you are describing.

although i do have a few very visual memories from 2-3 years old. might depend on whether you are a visually-oriented person or not - i am VERY much so.

just saying this to say that you might not get the detailed clarity of the whole big picture that you want - maybe more sensory fragments that you have to try to assemble and connect the dots... not trying to discourage you - but it may be different from what you have imagined.

and - yeah - it is probly gonna really suck!
just remember - we are here for you.
PM any time.
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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