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#399347 - 06/04/12 11:02 AM Re: I shouldn't be here - I'm a fake CSA survivor [Re: Life's A Dream]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""



Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 06:15 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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#399349 - 06/04/12 11:11 AM Re: I shouldn't be here - I'm a fake CSA survivor [Re: Life's A Dream]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1790
So well said bodyguard8367. A child is a child-and being unable to talk about it or accept it is what a child does so well. My child was within me, but by being present in support and with my T, the child has become part of me, no longer fragmented from me.

Yes, Life's A Dream you are here for the right reasons--to heal and accept the past and most importantly accept it was not your fault and the guilt and shame are not yours. Heal well and everyone is here for you.

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#399358 - 06/04/12 12:43 PM Re: I shouldn't be here - I'm a fake CSA survivor [Re: Life's A Dream]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi LAD,

As has been said already, many of us at times feel like "it" never happened. It's proven statistically at over 80% that if we think we were abused as kids, we were. This is very common among SA survivors.

There are things that I still don't what they are about; I only know there is "something else" waiting to come out of the darkest recesses of my mind. My doctor said that this is my brains way of keeping me safe until I am ready to process it.

Same thing is probably what's going on in your head. Think long and hard before you leave the site. The people here, between us all we have seen it all and had it all happen to us and will be more than willing to help you.

John
_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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#399373 - 06/04/12 03:50 PM Re: I shouldn't be here - I'm a fake CSA survivor [Re: Life's A Dream]
Daniel_forgotten Offline


Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
you don't contaminate anything i promise. You help a lot of us. I hope we help you too.

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#399415 - 06/04/12 10:43 PM Re: I shouldn't be here - I'm a fake CSA survivor [Re: Life's A Dream]
ShortedDiode Offline


Registered: 11/26/11
Posts: 109
Loc: Hamilton, ON Canada
LAD,

Even if there's no cold hard proof (my CSA didn't leave physical evidence I can point to so there's no irrefutable proof it happened for me either but that makes it no less real), there's too much smoke for there not to be any fire. I hope you decide to stay because you're with friends who understand here.
_________________________
If it's a choice between laughing or crying, I'd rather laugh.

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#399419 - 06/04/12 11:58 PM Re: I shouldn't be here - I'm a fake CSA survivor [Re: Life's A Dream]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1491
LAD -

Whether Munchausen's Syndrome or not, you contribute to the collective discussion here. Are you discussing this with someone who is trained to guide you through an accurate diagnosis? I know that for me, I went through a lot of my life minimizing what happened to me. I never saw it as sexual abuse, even though it was not only CSA but quite severe. It's part of the damage of CSA in a way - like being in the middle of a hurricane, we have little true perspective. Our sense of "normal" gets so screwed up.

You are certainly not contaminating anything for me. I mean, we're all contaminated anyways, right? How many others can we truly share this crap with and not get the jaded eye? Our worth here on the boards is not measured by how little we contaminate others. It is measured by our willingness to share openly and honestly. I appreciate your presence here, and the candor with which you approach yourself.
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#399432 - 06/05/12 04:23 AM . [Re: Life's A Dream]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 10:23 PM)

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#399437 - 06/05/12 06:19 AM Re: I shouldn't be here - I'm a fake CSA survivor [Re: Life's A Dream]
dragon Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 355
Loc: on the river between Hades n V...
bro, i am just seeing this and yes i am saying this now... do not go please. just bc you can't remember it happening, the fact of matter is what your mom saw and stuff accounts for it... you were young and prolly blocked it out really really well. no need to go.

(((((LAD))))
Jayy
_________________________
I don't want to look back;I just want to start again;Somebody save me--- Pop Evil: Broken and Betrayed

I want justice I want you overthrown;I want courage I want to stand alone;I want your arrogance and I want your pain;I want your everything and I want you dead--- Rev Theory: Justice

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#399492 - 06/05/12 01:26 PM Re: I shouldn't be here - I'm a fake CSA survivor [Re: Life's A Dream]
Crusoe Offline


Registered: 04/20/12
Posts: 15
Loc: Dubai
LAD,

I have found your posts helpful, and I really relate to what you feel.

I came here a few weeks ago with the advice of my wife. I have read through some of the site... I will admit I am going at my own pace (almost reverse). But I haven't visited the site in a few weeks.

I feel VERY FAKE. I told my wife I didn't relate to the stories I was reading because I have no memory of abuse at all. I don't have any suggestion of SA from anybody and never would have believed I was SA'ed. It is only the problems I am having in adult life that match a lot of the symptoms of survivors that points to me having been the victim of CSA.

I have no memory of any events or any proof of any events. I have no idea as to who could have abused me. That leaves me feeling very lost. I feel like I am just looking for the reason for all my problems, like some kind of excuse. I don't want to believe I have been abused. I don't know who I should blame or who is responsible if I have been abused. I don't know if I should be angry or who I should be angry with. I feel frustrated, alone and I am so scared.

My wife suffers all of my behavioural problems and my marriage is in a terrible state because of the way I react and behave.

I am sorry if I offend anybody reading this but I actually envy those that remember and know where there problems originate. At least you know where to start with treatment. I keep seeing psychiatrists who vary from telling me I am normal to OCD and are unable to help unravel where my problems originate.

Your posts have definitely helped me. Don't go.

Your bravery and help towards others is invaluable.

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#399730 - 06/08/12 01:19 AM Re: I shouldn't be here - I'm a fake CSA survivor [Re: Crusoe]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3519
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: Crusoe

I feel VERY FAKE. I told my wife I didn't relate to the stories I was reading because I have no memory of abuse at all. I don't have any suggestion of SA from anybody and never would have believed I was SA'ed. It is only the problems I am having in adult life that match a lot of the symptoms of survivors that points to me having been the victim of CSA.

I have no memory of any events or any proof of any events. I have no idea as to who could have abused me. That leaves me feeling very lost. I feel like I am just looking for the reason for all my problems, like some kind of excuse. I don't want to believe I have been abused. I don't know who I should blame or who is responsible if I have been abused. I don't know if I should be angry or who I should be angry with. I feel frustrated, alone and I am so scared.

My wife suffers all of my behavioural problems and my marriage is in a terrible state because of the way I react and behave.

I am sorry if I offend anybody reading this but I actually envy those that remember and know where there problems originate. At least you know where to start with treatment. I keep seeing psychiatrists who vary from telling me I am normal to OCD and are unable to help unravel where my problems originate.


Crusoe-

you may feel lost and alone, frustrated and scared, but there are many of us who understand all of that and can stand with you even when you don't know why you are having the problems you are experiencing. we ALL have had those feelings and sometimes many of us still do.

as one of those you envy, (i remember much of what happened to me) let me say i am not offended by it, but believe me - it's no piece of cake either! i have recovered numerous additional memories and also more details of older memories while in therapy.

if you are not sensing any progress, maybe you have not yet found the right T. have any of those you have seen been specialists in CSA? that would be helpful, i think. and my T tells me it is not even necessary to have remembered everything in order to move on and start healing the negative effects. like - you don't have to know where you picked up a germ in order to treat the physical symptoms.

anyone you could ask about your childhood who might have some clues?

anyway - keep at it. the work is not easy or quick - but it is possible to move on. sooner or later, i believe you will know more.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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