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#399202 - 06/02/12 12:34 PM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: Daniel_forgotten]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6815
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Daniel_forgotten
i canpt believe this hasn't been banned and i'm glad.
attempts is something most of us are afraid of talking about but there are some reflexions about it that i believe are important.

I don't know about you guys, but i felt a weird "state of peace" like i never felt before after a couple of times I tried to do it. Like everything was ok and like all my parts (I dissociate) were working as a team at least that night. It was like the calm that comes after the shock. Has anyone else felt like this?

I know my first try was at 10, but I can't remember any details, only that my dad (who was also one of the perps) prevented it (because despite everything, i think he loves me) and i spent some time at hospital (where doctors knew about me and him, but didn't tell).

I tried twice as a teenager just because I couldn't stand my situation in foster homes and the double life I was leading when they went to bed... and I missed my crazy sick home.

2009 was a bad year. I tried 3 times i think. I dont know.. I was trying to die all the time actually... put myself in a lot of risky situations. The time I almost did it I found my parts working together and conforting each other after we got out of hospital. We (I) started my diary then.

I would like to know how you feel about s.... for me, it's like the norm more than being in shock.. I am relieved now that I promised myself I don't have to *force* myself to be alive... if , at some point, I decide it's too bad for me, I could just.. well you know. Not sure I can say more in these boards.


In my reply following, I'm not talking about the s... stuff. I'm talking about the fact that you all worked together and that you remember it now in a time sequence.

This is tremendous!! I didn't realize it when I first read it, but your reply to this thread shows more than anything else I've heard you say that you are getting over "it". This statement shows tremendous self insight as to what's going on inside of you. It means that you are much closer to healing than I had before realized.

Quote:

I found my parts working together and conforting each other after we got out of hospital. We (I) started my diary then.


At some level you see the WHOLE PLAN of yourself. You know what they dynamics are. At some level you have GOT IT.

WOW! Thank you.

Allen




Edited by pufferfish (06/02/12 11:39 PM)

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#399225 - 06/02/12 10:33 PM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: onlyakid]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1167
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 05:19 PM)
_________________________

Stick around, It will get better....

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#463148 - 03/25/14 02:51 PM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: onlyakid]
jas4159 Offline


Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 278
oh yea it is possible. been there, tried to hang myself when i was 12 - the rope broke and i never told anyone. later in my thirties twice i accidentally overdosed on prescriptions drugs.
_________________________
Thanks

rich

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com

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#463877 - 04/08/14 09:38 PM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: onlyakid]
I Want 2 Thrive Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/04/14
Posts: 79
Loc: Florida, U.S.A
I was 9 the first time I tried to kill myself. I jumped off a train bridge. Result I broke my ankle when I hit the water, If I stayed on the bridge another 2 minutes I would have been hit by an ore train.

At 11 I free climbed the face of lovers leap at Starved Rock State Park. I had climbed out under a ledge so that I would miss the trees. I was just about to let go, to fall the several hundred feet into the Rock River, when hands came over the side of the ledge and grabbed me. For the record, I was not visible under that ledge, and I was not calling for help. To this day I do not know how they knew I was there.

At 16 I rode my bike down a trail with the intent of hitting the rocks at the bottom of the cliff, instead I clipped a log on the trail and wiped out. All I got was a concussion, and short term memory loss.

Was I really trying, I think so. Still, Both my mother's family and even my ball busting step-monster were catholic. I didn't want my family stained by a suicide. But an accident that would be tragically acceptable. After each of the three attempts I had the same emotional result feelings of; shame, guilt, and abject failure. Oh, and my family dismissed me as a clutz.

I have to look back at my young adult years, I was a HUGE adrenaline junky / risk taker. Was I suicidal or just proving I was still alive, I do not know.


I am so grateful I survived. I have had too much in my life taken from me, without adding to the balance sheet.
_________________________
Izzy

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind" C.S. Lewis
My Story: Short / Long version. *TRIGGERS*

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#463911 - 04/09/14 07:22 PM Re: . [Re: onlyakid]
jas4159 Offline


Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 278
i was thirteen when i seriously contemplated it. Accidentally overdosed in my
forties.

I played Russian roulette in my teens.
_________________________
Thanks

rich

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com

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#464636 - 04/27/14 08:20 AM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: Daniel_forgotten]
I Want 2 Thrive Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/04/14
Posts: 79
Loc: Florida, U.S.A
Originally Posted By: Daniel_forgotten

I don't know about you guys, but i felt a weird "state of peace" like i never felt before after a couple of times I tried to do it. Like everything was ok and like all my parts (I dissociate) were working as a team at least that night. It was like the calm that comes after the shock. Has anyone else felt like this?


Daniel,
Yes, I have. When I was hanging off the cliff face I was overcome with such a sense of "peace." I have felt that sensation on a few occasions in my life (my wedding day being one of them). At the time I remember thinking God had given me a pass.
_________________________
Izzy

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind" C.S. Lewis
My Story: Short / Long version. *TRIGGERS*

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#464647 - 04/27/14 01:33 PM Re: * [Re: onlyakid]
learning2luvme Offline


Registered: 06/12/12
Posts: 49
I was about 12 years of age. My abuse had started at age 8. Growing up in a Mormon household as boys we got an annual interview with the Bishop for worthiness. Every year they grill you on masturbation and if you do it or not and how you would go to hell if you did. So not only was I abused by multiple perps I was also abused by a religion who's views and practices only made me hate myself even more because I wasn't clean.

Shortly after my 12 year priesthood interview and agonized over my impurity and agony from years of abuse, I spent the night at my friends house and tried to hang myself in his closet as I didn't want my parents to find me dead in our home. Fortunately the closet rod fell off the wall and my plan was thwarted. Unfortunately my friend got in trouble for ripping the closet rod off the wall. I always felt bad.

Next attempt almost 30 years later. Not again. Today I fight.

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#464649 - 04/27/14 02:14 PM Re: * [Re: onlyakid]
Frustrated Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
Both times I felt exactly what you describe. My best dream is me sinking in black water and as I sink I feel myself surrender and the feeling of nirvana overcomes me no stress guilt shame fear anxiety just a Peace and relief that it was over

James

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#464718 - 04/28/14 05:22 PM Re: * [Re: onlyakid]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 749
Loc: michigan
hey group
I cannot imagine any survivor of abuse who has not contemplated this subject. I pray that I am wrong about that. it is the most lonely and isolated place the very farthest extension of what we tend to do as survivors.
I think there is a very great risk we run in looking back and remembering the "peace" or whatever word we use to describe that Place because in the end it is defeat. the murder is complete.
It seems that this thread is coming close to glorifying the final act of violation by our perps. I realize that is not the intent but in the end I think it is the reality.
perhaps it is time that we begin to speak about what is helpful to avoid those places, what keeps that bitterness away or what made the difference.
In contemplating this question I came to a realization. that is " If I loose the perp wins.... fuck that." that is the message we need to share guys what helps? what is good about life? lets share those things too
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#464719 - 04/28/14 05:42 PM Re: * [Re: onlyakid]
I Want 2 Thrive Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/04/14
Posts: 79
Loc: Florida, U.S.A
Valid point Newground.

I look back and I am grateful I failed. The bastards took way too much from me already. My life is MINE, and HIGHLY prized.


Originally Posted By: newground
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

P.S. That is my favorite line from Moby Dick... ...and Wrath of Kahn.


Edited by I Want 2 Thrive (04/28/14 08:23 PM)
Edit Reason: Signature comment
_________________________
Izzy

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind" C.S. Lewis
My Story: Short / Long version. *TRIGGERS*

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