HI guys reading this its time i finally tell my story so i can finally once and for all start the process of healing and becoming a better man to my kids smile

All i can remember is from the earliest age being a sexual play thing to my father, his brother and later after they finished there fun my step fathers best friend and one of his uncles, in no way did my step father even think of touching me and my step father is who i call dad and will for ever be my dad and not the sperm donar who gave me life, a crap life but life never the less.

From the earliest age i recall being sd (sperm donar i shall refer him from this point on)being his little sex toy, mum left him when iwas like 4 years old, he was abusive to her and ususally raped her every second night when rape with your wife was legal in Australia, she left for dad who loved and adored her and her children, my 2 sisters (one who was abused in parts but nothing like what i endured)my oldest sister knows the horrible truth and has been in ways the rock and in others the only person who truly understands what i am and who i become.

My sd use to make me pleasure him orally til he finished in my mouth from the earliest age, if it happened before i can recall then i just dont recall but i would of been about 3 when my earliest memories of him being a sick man really emerges, making me please him before he would take me anally and do what ever he wanted til he finished again, i do recall the pain even after years of being used this way of him taking me anally always hurt and made me cry but for some reason it just got him more turned on and when that happened is when he really got into it and the pain was worse, its like it hurts and turned him on more so i could not win, i could not hide the pain of him sexually pleasing himself with my body. His brother started to join in around the age of 5, where they would both make me please them orally before one taking me anally and the other orally before the would finish and clean me up for mum. Just the thought of it now makes me sick and tears run down my face as i type, i feel humiliate and not a man for what they done to me. The would actually clap and cheer each other on while they used me, it must of turned them on in there sick heads watching while the other took me in sex then joined in. This all ended once my father stopped seeing me around the age or 9 or 10, not sure if i was to old or figured sooner or later they will get caught. Was a great relief to finally knowing i would not have to go to sd place for there sick ritual any more.

My dads best friend started the abuse then, jsut when i thought i could start to live a normal childhood, the abuse not as bad was normally just him orally pleasin me if you know what i mean, would be rare for him to take me anally although i use to have to please him til he finished. I was i suppose in hindsight lucky we never seen him all that often and alot of the time we did i was not alone with him but when i was thats when he would just straight away, just the feeling of him kissing me makes me sick to this day and can still smell his room, feel the breeze through his red curtains on the bed where he use to please himself while i watch television. It ended around the age of 13 before my dad's uncle twice raped me before i said enough is enough and that is the end of my abuse.

Since then i have always felt alone in the world, no one really knowing how you feel unless you go through the same in life, i often believe this first 14 years of abuse is what made me who i am today, i have always struggled in life, always manage to stuff things up in life, always seen sex and a way of feeling like i needed to be loved, yeah i enjoy sex but i just feel my high sex drive was trained into me at a early age where sex is used to be close to someone. I have managed to hurt the one women who loved me for me through my own actions, who i still believe are from my earlier childhood, when i got depressed i turned into another person, another persona so to speak where i just went into my own world and used sex to get gratisfication (not sure on spelling) not that i had sex or cheated on any partner i just went into a world where i needed sexual stimulation and it was in the form of emails and the like.

I am not proud to say who i am today, i have 2 children to my ex partner, who i love and adore more then life itself, and will make sure they never endure the childhood i did so they can grow up happy and free from my repeated rapes, and shall never know what there dad went through i could not picture them thinking there dad was not a man.
_________________________
Wanting to finally clear the demons