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#399066 - 05/31/12 11:45 PM How do I tell my fiancee?
Aries1984 Offline


Registered: 04/08/12
Posts: 29
Loc: Chicago
I have been with my fiancee since I was 24 years old, at this age I was also drinking quite a bit as a coping mechanism so I never told her much and if I did tell her something sometimes it was a lie and sometimes the truth. By 26 I became more truthful with her and am now very truthful with her. I love this girl and am marrying her next year but havent told her that I was sexually assaulted at 16 years old. I am very scared to tell her, I am not sure how she will react, but I feel at some point i am going to tell her cause she has the right to know that part of me too, how do I tell her and what kind of reaction might I expect when I tell her?
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It is not the destination so much as the journey!!

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#399068 - 05/31/12 11:59 PM Re: How do I tell my fiancee? [Re: Aries1984]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
First of all, congratulations on your engagement.

Second of all, it's great that you are in a place where you think it is safe to tell her. As for how to tell her, it was really hard to get the words out for me, but I managed to tell her I was sexually assaulted. You have your own words that will work to you... just be clear and direct. Tell her during a time when she's not stressed out about something else and not busy doing other things. The day I told my wife, I had someone else watch our son and I made sure I told her after she had her coffee and got a chance to work out. People are usually in a better place after having something to eat, too.

As for a reaction, I would hope that she would be supportive of you and your need to heal from your assault. You can't predict how she'll react but in my experience women are easier to tell than men... hopefully she will see that it wasn't your fault. When I told my wife, she threw a microwave onto the kitchen floor and also shattered the pitcher that came with our blender. Unfortunately this is not the first time she has done that, so... hopefully your woman is in better control of her emotions than mine is. but I can say she was angry at the man who did it, not at me.

Sometimes women will suspect that something happened and I have heard stories where she isn't necessarily shocked. I hope she will give you the support you need and deserve.
_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#399089 - 06/01/12 03:23 AM Re: How do I tell my fiancee? [Re: Aries1984]
Thomas1701 Offline


Registered: 02/01/09
Posts: 14
Aries - I´ve been dealing with the same questions for the past few weeks. Feeling tired of the fake smiles and happy thoughts all the time was one thing, but as the relationship developed I felt like I betrayed her by not telling that dirty secret I had. My former gf dumped me right after I told her I became a "damage goods" for her. This experience held me back from telling my current girlfriend. Well to be honest it takes a LOT of courage and a lot of sleepless nights while I´ve been looking for the right words. I decided to tell her only the easiest part and to write down the rest, give it to her and let her decide whether she feels prepared enough to read it or not. I kinda expected she´ll do the same like the one before but you know what? She came back and said we gonna do this together. I believe that if your fiancee truly loves you she´ll do the same. If not at least you´d know she doesn´t deserve you. I know what I´m sayin, it hurt like hell when the first left me but now I know if she was able to call me damaged goods when she saw me there crying, this definitely wasn´t the person I want to share my life with.

Be strong and good luck.

Thomas

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#399167 - 06/01/12 11:13 PM Re: How do I tell my fiancee? [Re: Thomas1701]
Aries1984 Offline


Registered: 04/08/12
Posts: 29
Loc: Chicago
@Thomas Thank you it was inspiring to hear that. I'm sorry your first gf did that to you but glad you were able to move on from it and learned from it. I am anxious about it but have the same feeling like you do, I feel like if I dont tell her I am betraying her. Im going to try your technique, tell her what I can and the rest ill write down and let her decide when to read it. I'm hoping she will do as your girl did and be supportive but if she isnt at least ill know and I can proceed with my life, as much as I know it would hurt. I am learning so much from being on here and feel as though I am making some progress in moving on with my life. Again thank you so much.
Aries
_________________________
It is not the destination so much as the journey!!

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#399206 - 06/02/12 01:10 PM Re: How do I tell my fiancee? [Re: Aries1984]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 849
Loc: Kc,Mo
Think about it man this is something that must be done . This is the person you want to spend the rest of your life together with . She deserves to no all that she is getting and you deserve to no all about what you are getting . If you can not have this discussion you do not need to marry .

This needs to be brought out into the open plain and simple. This is heavy stuff she needs to be prepared to be able to go on the journey with you . You can not spring this on her after you are married because it can not be used as an excuse for your behaviors past and present . I hate to be blunt but marriage is not being taken serious these days it is treated liked a dam contract it is a covenant not a contract there is a big difference.

If this is truly something God put together than you should have no problem telling her this is your soul mate you are going to be around each other for a long time 2 whole people make a whole marriage not a half and a whole or to half people . You need to tell her this and you guys can take it from there TOGETHER when you are married it is no longer just about you and how you feel because she is going to have to put up with the good and the bad and she needs to no what to expect and you guys can become strong and start of on the right page .

If you are on this page and she is on another always wondering why you are the way you are at certain times and why you react the way you do sometimes than it is always going to be a guessing game . You deserve to be able to talk you your wife ,without communication you marriage is already doomed . This is the key ask anyone although it is hard to talk about this stuff if we can not at least tell the person who we should undoubtedly be able to trust with our stuff than you really do not need to get married.

I do not care about what anyone says about do it if you are ready and if you are comfortable that is bull when it comes to the one you are going to marry because it is not fair for them not to no such a HUGE thing it might not be huge to them but you have to let them no this is a huge thing for you and you are going to need their support you are going to need their understanding of this and you have to get to this place before you are married . If you do not it Will come up later and it is better to nip this bad boy in the bud right now .

Do it today get the balls and the heart and do it she deserves it who knows she probably has some skeletons in her closet to and that would be ideal to have her share things that she might not feel comfortable telling you to and if you break the ice she could end up revealing some things that she needs to get out . This is how a marriage works you need to be able to go through ANYTHING together otherwise what is the point.

Had to be blunt about this and for anyone else thinking of doing this all of this goes for you to start the marriage off right and not only that you will be able to remove this big bolder that is laying on your chest right now

In love i say this to you brothers
Nathan


Edited by nltsaved (06/02/12 01:14 PM)
Edit Reason: spelling
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#399229 - 06/03/12 12:10 AM Re: How do I tell my fiancee? [Re: Aries1984]
whym3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/12
Posts: 7
Loc: new york state
Agree with NITS on this one. I unfortunately kept my CSA a secret to everyone & it's created so many problems in my life & with my relationships. I've buried this shameful secret for almost 40 yrs and just finally starting to deal with it thanks to a wonderful therapist. He's the first one I told only 6 months ago.

I married my childhood sweetheart when we were both 26 yo. We're married 22 yrs now but separated 2 yrs ago. My fears of emotion & intimacy and sexual confusion due to CSA had taken it's toll on our relationship. There were also many years of drinking and drugs for both of us. She turned to infidelity & alcohol abuse. I can't help but think if I was open & honest so many years ago maybe things would be different today.

Best of luck with you!!

joe

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#399230 - 06/03/12 12:10 AM Re: How do I tell my fiancee? [Re: Aries1984]
whym3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/12
Posts: 7
Loc: new york state
Agree with NITS on this one. I unfortunately kept my CSA a secret to everyone & it's created so many problems in my life & with my relationships. I've buried this shameful secret for almost 40 yrs and just finally starting to deal with it thanks to a wonderful therapist. He's the first one I told only 6 months ago.

I married my childhood sweetheart when we were both 26 yo. We're married 22 yrs now but separated 2 yrs ago. My fears of emotion & intimacy and sexual confusion due to CSA had taken it's toll on our relationship. There were also many years of drinking and drugs for both of us. She turned to infidelity & alcohol abuse. I can't help but think if I was open & honest so many years ago maybe things would be different today.

Best of luck with you!!

joe

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#399253 - 06/03/12 09:48 AM Re: How do I tell my fiancee? [Re: Aries1984]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Check out this article, particularly on the disclosure part:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/singer3.html

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#399256 - 06/03/12 10:14 AM Re: How do I tell my fiancee? [Re: Aries1984]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Thanks for asking is question and for the men who shared their experience.

The secrets and issues I brought into my marriage nearly destroyed it within a few years-I've since learned the truth WILL set me free. And secrets will enslave.

I strive towards living the phrase:

"I'd rather be rejected for who I am than be accepted for a false picture of me."
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We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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