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#399064 - 05/31/12 11:12 PM Feeling I Don't Need Recovery
jls Offline

Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
I don't know what it is but there are times when I'm all consumed by memories, feelings and flashbacks of the abuse and there are times like this when I feel relatively OK, when the impacts of the abuse are more or less distant and disconnected, which is when I'm susceptible to minimizing it, believing that it is irelevant or unimportant to my life today, which leads me to wonder if this abuse recovery stuff is just me putting myself through unneccesary pain and suffering. That said, perhaps it's that pain and suffering that I'm most afraid of feeling so I wish to avoid it by pretending that the abuse doesn't matter and that somehow I'm OK despite it. Truth is I can cautiously admit that I've had better days since I've started my recovery from CSA than before I started working on it and am feeling better because of the effort I've put into recovery, not in spite of it. I just wish that good days didn't have to come with minimizing and doubting my own experience, as in I wish my insight into how the abuse affected my life was consistent.
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.

#399074 - 06/01/12 01:28 AM Re: Feeling I Don't Need Recovery [Re: jls]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5925
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Safe steps fellow survivor
Not little or large steps. There was a time when you could not process safe steps in your memory, now you are processing with minimizing and that is recovery progress. To better days ahead, Sam
My SENSITIVE Difference

"Lets talk about that."

Go Get A Hug: HUG>porn

*When provoked* "Anyone holding back his sayings is possessed of knowledge.” (Proverbs 17:27)"

#399083 - 06/01/12 02:34 AM Re: Feeling I Don't Need Recovery [Re: jls]
Thebo Offline

Registered: 02/16/11
Posts: 326
Loc: NYC
The path isn't always clear.

#399113 - 06/01/12 08:05 AM Re: Feeling I Don't Need Recovery [Re: jls]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1866
Loc: durham, north england
Cycles are one of the hardest things I found to deal with. Sinse for every really dark, apathetic day, I'd have days when I thought I was fine, days when it felt as if i was making a huge fuss about nothing, days when I felt fantastic and full of life, ready to take on the world, then I'd be back down again.

It's all really just part of the process though.

Back before I started recovery, the abuse seemed distant, irrelevant and not to matter.

"yes, it had been bad, but that was in the past" and sinse I knew it had happened, I was fine right?

Of course, my fear of crowds, my panic reactions at anything to do with s/x or of being seen in any state of undress, none of that had anything to do with my abuse did it!

The funny thing was,even after I started recovery, I still! had days like this. I still would think "what the heck am I doing on a support board for victims of sa! I! didn't experience sa?"

It's amazing just how much work it takes to change any of your perceptions, and you'll still! perceive the old pattern from time to time unless your making constant effort, it's just like training a habbit out of your muscles, occasionally it will come back spontaniously.

The important thing is though to keep going forward, and recognize everything as just part of the over all journey.

#399204 - 06/02/12 12:39 PM Re: Feeling I Don't Need Recovery [Re: dark empathy]
jls Offline

Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
Hey. Thanks for your insights. I can really relate to what you said about missing the connection between aspects of my adult self and the abuse that happened to me as a kid. I can also relate to what you said about being in a sa support group and not feeling like I belonged. I guess that comes from years of conditioning myself to believe what's in the past should stay there and therefore it has no relevance today, which led to me denying my younger self and engaging in destructive behaviour to deny my future self too. Before I embarked on recovery from sa I was a man with neither a past or a future, so to speak.

I've missed the last two sessions of my support group due to having other commitments etc so maybe tht's where this feeling of not needing recovery is is coming from. Like you described, lack of a constant effort can lead one to fall back into old patterns like minimizing, denial etc so I gotta stay with it I guess.
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


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