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#399024 - 05/31/12 04:00 PM suggestions from a counselor?!?!?
Yellowbird Offline


Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 27
OK, I am a little beside myself. My fiance chose to see a counselor and I told him it was good what he did and how much strength he has by making the step. His counselor then informed him that he should several all ties to me, so he can work through some of his issues. He informed me that every time he thinks of us he becomes angry. Prior to his assault is when I found myself coming down with panic attacks. These attacks were due to abandonment feeling that were correlated with my past. During this time I was pushing him away. I began to see a therapist and worked through these feelings and got over them shortly after his assault. I asked him what about our relationship is causing him stress. Keep in mind I have not really heard much from him in the past month and I have been respecting his space. He responded by saying all the stress from being pushed away and trying to make time to see each other, and all the stress that my son has caused to me.

I did let him know that counselors are not suppose to tell you to sever ties with someone that they are suppose to help you through all the feeling that you have with relations to anyone. My therapist just told me that we should honor each other space and use the time to heal ourselves and not worry about the relationship at this time. And when we are feeling better with ourselves then to make a go of it.

OK, I understand the anger that come out of this and I know right now he is blaming me for his anger. Or at least that is how it is making me think that is what he is doing. I did not respond to his blame. I did tell him that he has to make that choice to sever the ties if that is what he wants and not to let his counselor make that decision for him.

I don't know if I did the right thing or not. But I don't think a counselor should tell someone to sever ties with a person that has been apart of your life going on four years now.

This topic is completely open for discussion. I know I can't be the only one out there that has encountered this. I'm just a little confused.
_________________________
Without faith nothing is possible, with it everything is possible. You just have to believe.

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#399026 - 05/31/12 04:11 PM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1540
The counselor sounds quite extreme and probably not a very competent one at that. Unfortunately, there are many incompetent practicing counselors and psychiatrist out there--this is a specialist area--but many so called counselors and psychiatrists are not trained nor capable in this field. The medical profession has some wonderful practitioners but once they cross outside their specialty or area of knowledge someone once said to me they are practicing quackery. I know many like this and believe they are all knowing and I know others who do not opine and recommend a consult with a specialist. I think your fiance has met one who borders on quackery.

You need to find a counselor and work through you concerns and issues. Your fiance need to do the same-the anger, shame and self guilt can be overwhelming.

Good luck

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#399027 - 05/31/12 04:19 PM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
GeorgeMartin Offline


Registered: 12/29/07
Posts: 188
Loc: USA
Detachment Therapy... like Reparative Therapy was and is created by a bunch of 1960's druggies in my thinking. Coincidentally I watched a video.....on youtube.com

Here is the links:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxKjCfZfCys&feature=relmfu

This is cult like behaviors by L.S.W. and anyone who tells a client to detach from all their loved ones. Here is a healthy suggestion. RUN!!! Get away from that type of counselor! They are dangerous. That's just my opinion. Take it or leave it. But watch the clip..... Sure, respectfully honoring a companion's space and time to heal etc is grand, but to do it suddenly, and in such a toxic way, its not healthy at all for either person or one's family.

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#399035 - 05/31/12 05:21 PM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
The counselor is incompetent. Find another. Sorry.
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#399037 - 05/31/12 05:45 PM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
After 3 sessions my first therapist (ever) told me to divorce my husband. I was not averse to her suggestion, I just didn't feel like she had enough information to definitively make that recommendation. I divorced her instead.
_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#399041 - 05/31/12 06:00 PM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
A thought: Could this decision actually be HIS idea, but he's blaming it on the counselor to dodge the responsibility?

Don't shoot me for playing the devil's advocate! I'm just throwing this out for consideration!

If this truly was the therapist's directive, I'd say it's time to find a new one. Better yet, ask if you could attend a session with him to get clarification from the horse's mouth as to exactly what she/he is suggesting. There could be factors you're unaware of.

Okay...am I safe to come out now...? wink

herowannabe
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#399045 - 05/31/12 08:03 PM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
IMHO, Hero is right! How do you know the therapist really said that?

Also, not all therapists are competent and even fewer are competent in CSA and it's victims.

A therapist I saw told me on my first visit to just accept that my husband was gay and a sociopath. And he said he was trained in sex addiction. The man was clueless. I went back to the "recommended" therapist who was much more expensive but very knowledgeable in these type issues.

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#399046 - 05/31/12 08:14 PM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 675
Loc: NJ
My same thought was to remember that this is second hand information.

I agree that there are incompetent therapists but I also agree that most therapists don't look at relationships until they have fully assessed the person so this seems like a premature recommendation no matter what the expertise level.

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#399052 - 05/31/12 10:26 PM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
mmfan Offline


Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 114
I'm sorry to hear of this turn of events Yellowbird. frown I've heard of those cultish "therapists" too who recommend severing ties. I'd be extremely skeptical. None of my therapists would have told me to cut contact with someone, even my abusive parents. They discussed all angles with me, yes, but never did they give advice.

To me that advice is crazy. You're his main support system, he is recovering from a severe trauma, of course he is upset and it figures he might lash out/push away anyone within a 50 foot radius. Removing everything in that 50 foot radius isn't the answer. In fact the answer is the opposite, trying to keep our support system intact WHILE ALSO working through the trauma, if at all possible.

I was where your fiance is, up to my neck in PTSD and triggers regarding anyone getting remotely close to me, and my instinct was to push my partner far, far away. I went to my therapist EVERY WEEK for months asking if I should get divorced. In retrospect, I was 80% reacting to the trauma and 20% to the relationship (and she eventually helped me see this).

I can only imagine the pain that you must be in watching things unravel like this. It sounds like you are trying everything you can. Your therapist sounds like a level headed and wise person, given the situation your fiance is presenting you with, perhaps putting the relationship on hold in your mind would allow you to protect yourself from further hurt.

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#399065 - 05/31/12 11:39 PM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
Yellowbird Offline


Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 27
Herowannabe, I did look at that side of the box. He started this whole conversation by text. He lives in one city I live in another. I told him that it had to be his choice and not to let his counselor make that decision for him. He then told me in text that he thought it be a good idea. I then called him, because I was tired of letting him have the safe haven of text message and I deserved better than receiving this decision through text. When he answered that was the 1st thing I said to him. He said that was not his intention to do it this way and he said that he is just not who I once knew and that he is a different person. He said that he has turned into a very angry person and he just thinks that it best that he work this out. He said that he still wants to stay in touch. And maybe, maybe later he can function in a healthy relationship again. I agreed that we both need to heal ourselves, I agreed to breaking off the engagement. My heart is heavy, but hopeful.

I just don't understand why a counselor would say this to a person.

You all have to understand too that I have had my son in and out of drug and alcohol treatment centers for the past two years. I have kicked him out because I was suspecting that he had gone back to his old way and dealing out of my house. I have two other boys here and we were starting to live in fear. Now that I have kicked him out, I have the police here every week looking and asking questions.

I am going to call my own therapist tomorrow. I have not ever bothered him in between visits but I am going to now. I am going to send my former fiance the list of therapist, not counselors that service in his area. My sadness has turned to anger.

Thank you mmfan, and everyone else. He is not a CSA but an ASA.
_________________________
Without faith nothing is possible, with it everything is possible. You just have to believe.

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#399070 - 06/01/12 12:05 AM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
Yellowbird Offline


Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 27
Actually, no!! I am angry!!! I am angry! I am angry!! I can relate to the CSA as my assailant was my ex-husband. Sex was forced and I even just coward to get it over with. I can relate to the ASA here with the physical abuse that I received. My past counselors and now therapist have helped me with relations to my abuser. As he is the father of all four of my boys, one of which came out of forced sex. And I still have to confront him in a cordial manor that is safe for me. My therapist and counselor have helped me with this particular relationship. WTHeck!!! This is so wrong, that this counselor is doing this.

And yet at the same time, a part of me thinks that HE is the one that really wants this done.

I packed all of his things that he has a my place. I felt better.
_________________________
Without faith nothing is possible, with it everything is possible. You just have to believe.

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#399143 - 06/01/12 03:16 PM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 307
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi Yellowbird,

I was told by my doctor to build up a support unit; NOT to kick them away. I've never heard of seperating somebody to break it up.

My advice to you would try and find another therapist making sure that he is well educated and trained in Male CSA or at a minimum in treating traumatic experiences.
_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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#399952 - 06/09/12 11:33 PM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
Yellowbird Offline


Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 27
I am in pain, ties are severed. I found out that he is questioning his counselor, which i hope that he chooses to find a therapist that is right for him. One that can go deeper into feelings than a counselor can. My pushing away from him was all about my past. And I hurt him. With his recent assault he is in more confusion. I am trying to work through that healing and reconciling with myself to get better. It just feels as though out relationship is over and it hurts.
_________________________
Without faith nothing is possible, with it everything is possible. You just have to believe.

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#399972 - 06/10/12 05:26 AM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1339
Hi Yellowbird,

I am sorry that you and the man you love are hurting so much right now.

I do not know what kind of therapist your fiancÚ was seeing, but he needs to see a therapist that specializes in trauma and/ or sexual abuse.

A therapist that specializes in relationships or marriage is NOT the kind of therapist he needs.

If you are willing to speak to your fiancÚ, please forward this information.

For help in finding a therapist please read the Consumers Guide to Therapist Shopping. Psychology Today has listings for all states and counties. You can choose the type of therapist you are seeking as well as the area(s) to which you are willng to travel. Also check your county rape crisis center. They offer services to males and females, at no cost to county residents.

Some books your fiancÚ, and you, might find helpful are:

Male Rape: Breaking the Silence on the Last Taboo by
Richie J. McMullen

Male on Male Rape: The Hidden Toll of Stigma and Shame by Michael Scarce

If He is Raped by Alan McEvoy, Debbie Rollo and Jeff Brookings



I agree with giving each other space to work on healing right now.

Your fiancÚ has stated
Quote:
he is just not who I once knew and that he is a different person. He said that he has turned into a very angry person and he just thinks that it best that he work this out.


It is very common for adult males who have been assaulted and raped to view themselves very differently after the rape than they did before the rape. Many often describe themselves in terms of two different people - one person before the assault and someone they neither recognize, nor like, after the assault, or as life before the assault and existence after the assault.

Like many who have experienced natural disasters such as earthquakes, the worst hurricanes, etc., life if frequently delineated by the event - life before the [list event], and life after that event.

Life can never go back to what it was before the event - back to that sense of "normal." "Going back" to the way things were before the assault are often the wish fulfilling statements that try to eradicate the traumatic experience. "If I could be the person I was before the assault, then it didn't take place, or it didn't affect me...." It is a painful reality to accept that the assault did take place and that one will never be the person they were before the assault. The person is not the same in many respects. He knows, first-hand, how cruel and dangerous people can be; he has been violated; he has anxiety, fear, rage and trauma where none might have existed before. His sense of security in the world has been shattered. His view of himself as a man is being questioned. There is also a grieving process for the person he was before the assault.

Your fiancÚ is full of rage, and rightfully so, but he might also be afraid of that rage. At the least, he doesn't want you seeing him as a rageful, rather than, a loving person.

Though he may never be exactly as he was before the assault, he can regain a lot of what he feels he has either lost or had taken from him. He can develop a better sense of self esteem. He can feel safer. He can work to reduce his anxiety, fear, rage and trauam. He can again see himself as a man.

He can heal.

Many are under the mistaken impression that "healing" means that you will never again think about the assault or be troubled by discussion of assault in the news, etc.

Healing does not mean you forget. Healing means that you learn how to cope with the feelings associated with the assault and the trauma and no have it have a profound impact on every aspect of your day. There will still be times he will be triggered, but the intensity and the duration will be considerably decreased because of the help he will receive.

He will again be able to see the beauty in life, laugh, have fun, and be spontaneous.

He will also be able to share himself with the person he loves.






Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#405781 - 08/04/12 12:17 AM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
Yellowbird Offline


Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 27
He ended the relationship through text a month ago, he wouldn't pick up when I called. my heart is sadden. I miss him. I am pretty sure he is at the stage that I deserve better and that he is not worthy of the relationship.
_________________________
Without faith nothing is possible, with it everything is possible. You just have to believe.

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#405785 - 08/04/12 01:17 AM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
You have so much on your shoulders right now, Yellowbird. I'm sorry that I can't do something to help ease your pain, but no one can do that, can they?

I hope you have a good support system in your life. You have suffered much victimization, and you deserve healing- not continuously inflicted new wounds.

You said you've received counseling in the past, but I'm not clear on if you are still receiving counseling? If you are not, is is possible to resurrect your own therapy? Do you/can you find a support group to meet with? In just what you've shared, it seems you might find support in a co-dependent (I hate that term) group? Maybe grief counseling?

Regardless, I want to tell you that I admire your wisdom in how you've responded to your beloved's abandonment, as well as the hard decisions you've made regarding your son. You may not feel it, but you are a strong and wise woman with deep character and resilience. Don't let these temporary situations deplete you of that truth!

I send you love and prayers for peace of mind-
herowannabe
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#405798 - 08/04/12 02:42 AM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
Yellowbird Offline


Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 27
herowannabe,

I have been seeing a therapist, that I am lucky to have found, he is currently receiving his doc-tern in physiology and is a Lutheran minister (I'm Catholic), he has been doing this for many years and my faith in between has never been strong. But it is now!! I am lucky to have found him!! I am actually at the maintenance stage, and am feeling incredibly good about myself!!! My therapist has showed me how to think on a cognitive level with the control of emotions. I have discovered that I am no longer a victim with my past, but a survivor!!!! Yay Me!!! With the five stages of grief I am at the acceptance stage. I still to this day will send messages of support to my ex-fiance, as I still love him, forgive him, and still want the best for him!! Even if it means setting myself up for no response from him. I know that I have to move on without him, he has made that clear. Love and let go and let GOD.
_________________________
Without faith nothing is possible, with it everything is possible. You just have to believe.

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#405799 - 08/04/12 02:44 AM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
Yellowbird Offline


Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 27
and i would still take my ex-fiance back tomorrow, regardless of circumstance
_________________________
Without faith nothing is possible, with it everything is possible. You just have to believe.

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#405868 - 08/04/12 09:19 PM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 307
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi Yellowbird,

I have heard of this type of blabber from counsellors before. If I had a counsellor tell me to leave my family, I would be leaving him/her immediatly.

Almost every competant counsellor will tell you to make sure you have a good support system set up for when you need somebody to talk to. Having a partener told to leave the other is telling him to get rid of a big part of his support.

As others have mentioned, you have to look after yourself first and foremost. If it's taking a walk, going shopping or even just a coffee with "the girls."
_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

Top
#409652 - 09/09/12 11:53 PM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
Yellowbird Offline


Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 27
It is over. He again text-ed and wished me good luck in my life with no explanation as to why he is breaking it off and severed all communication. He even went as far as deleting me as a Facebook friend. I gave him his space did not try to communicate to him during the healing period he asked for. I get a text one day to ask me to start my own cell phone account. So I agree to that. Did what he asked and I transfer to my own account I text-ed him and let him know it was done. He responded to Thank You and good luck in my life. I asked him why he just wanted to throw it all away, and got no response. I basically told him that everything he said to me in the past and everything that he promised in the past was a straight out lie!! Yes!! I was angry. He did respond with "I meant it all", I responded with, if you meant it all you would be following through, instead your saying goodbye. This happened a few months ago, he still has things at my place and did text me 4 weeks ago to let me know he was going to be in town in 2 weeks, told him to let me know. Haven't heard anything since. I think about him everyday still, and would have enough forgiveness in my heart to take him back. He is my one love, and I just hope he is doing well!
_________________________
Without faith nothing is possible, with it everything is possible. You just have to believe.

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#409998 - 09/13/12 01:31 AM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3599
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Yellowbird, I hope your ex-fiance will find his peace and healing. Must be extremely hurtful to brake relationship so suddenly frown
Please work further on yourself, it is important and I guess difficult to get focus on own needs and healing.
Please share further with us.

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#411019 - 09/21/12 11:32 PM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
Yellowbird Offline


Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 27
I found out why he threw it all away and why he broke it off through text message. He was too busy building another relationship with someone else. Three years of supporting who he is and believing in his integrity was all blown away when I found out.
_________________________
Without faith nothing is possible, with it everything is possible. You just have to believe.

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#411020 - 09/21/12 11:36 PM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
Yellowbird Offline


Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 27
I am in pain and feel like I was lead on by lies. I feel like the biggest loser right now.
_________________________
Without faith nothing is possible, with it everything is possible. You just have to believe.

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#411021 - 09/21/12 11:42 PM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
It was not you at all. It seemed he made his own path despite the fact you was there for him and supported him. Seems he is the loser here if anyone is. Pardon my frankness. But he lost because he will regret his choice more than likely
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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