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#399070 - 06/01/12 12:05 AM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
Yellowbird Offline


Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 27
Actually, no!! I am angry!!! I am angry! I am angry!! I can relate to the CSA as my assailant was my ex-husband. Sex was forced and I even just coward to get it over with. I can relate to the ASA here with the physical abuse that I received. My past counselors and now therapist have helped me with relations to my abuser. As he is the father of all four of my boys, one of which came out of forced sex. And I still have to confront him in a cordial manor that is safe for me. My therapist and counselor have helped me with this particular relationship. WTHeck!!! This is so wrong, that this counselor is doing this.

And yet at the same time, a part of me thinks that HE is the one that really wants this done.

I packed all of his things that he has a my place. I felt better.
_________________________
Without faith nothing is possible, with it everything is possible. You just have to believe.

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#399143 - 06/01/12 03:16 PM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi Yellowbird,

I was told by my doctor to build up a support unit; NOT to kick them away. I've never heard of seperating somebody to break it up.

My advice to you would try and find another therapist making sure that he is well educated and trained in Male CSA or at a minimum in treating traumatic experiences.
_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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#399952 - 06/09/12 11:33 PM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
Yellowbird Offline


Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 27
I am in pain, ties are severed. I found out that he is questioning his counselor, which i hope that he chooses to find a therapist that is right for him. One that can go deeper into feelings than a counselor can. My pushing away from him was all about my past. And I hurt him. With his recent assault he is in more confusion. I am trying to work through that healing and reconciling with myself to get better. It just feels as though out relationship is over and it hurts.
_________________________
Without faith nothing is possible, with it everything is possible. You just have to believe.

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#399972 - 06/10/12 05:26 AM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1346
Hi Yellowbird,

I am sorry that you and the man you love are hurting so much right now.

I do not know what kind of therapist your fiancÚ was seeing, but he needs to see a therapist that specializes in trauma and/ or sexual abuse.

A therapist that specializes in relationships or marriage is NOT the kind of therapist he needs.

If you are willing to speak to your fiancÚ, please forward this information.

For help in finding a therapist please read the Consumers Guide to Therapist Shopping. Psychology Today has listings for all states and counties. You can choose the type of therapist you are seeking as well as the area(s) to which you are willng to travel. Also check your county rape crisis center. They offer services to males and females, at no cost to county residents.

Some books your fiancÚ, and you, might find helpful are:

Male Rape: Breaking the Silence on the Last Taboo by
Richie J. McMullen

Male on Male Rape: The Hidden Toll of Stigma and Shame by Michael Scarce

If He is Raped by Alan McEvoy, Debbie Rollo and Jeff Brookings



I agree with giving each other space to work on healing right now.

Your fiancÚ has stated
Quote:
he is just not who I once knew and that he is a different person. He said that he has turned into a very angry person and he just thinks that it best that he work this out.


It is very common for adult males who have been assaulted and raped to view themselves very differently after the rape than they did before the rape. Many often describe themselves in terms of two different people - one person before the assault and someone they neither recognize, nor like, after the assault, or as life before the assault and existence after the assault.

Like many who have experienced natural disasters such as earthquakes, the worst hurricanes, etc., life if frequently delineated by the event - life before the [list event], and life after that event.

Life can never go back to what it was before the event - back to that sense of "normal." "Going back" to the way things were before the assault are often the wish fulfilling statements that try to eradicate the traumatic experience. "If I could be the person I was before the assault, then it didn't take place, or it didn't affect me...." It is a painful reality to accept that the assault did take place and that one will never be the person they were before the assault. The person is not the same in many respects. He knows, first-hand, how cruel and dangerous people can be; he has been violated; he has anxiety, fear, rage and trauma where none might have existed before. His sense of security in the world has been shattered. His view of himself as a man is being questioned. There is also a grieving process for the person he was before the assault.

Your fiancÚ is full of rage, and rightfully so, but he might also be afraid of that rage. At the least, he doesn't want you seeing him as a rageful, rather than, a loving person.

Though he may never be exactly as he was before the assault, he can regain a lot of what he feels he has either lost or had taken from him. He can develop a better sense of self esteem. He can feel safer. He can work to reduce his anxiety, fear, rage and trauam. He can again see himself as a man.

He can heal.

Many are under the mistaken impression that "healing" means that you will never again think about the assault or be troubled by discussion of assault in the news, etc.

Healing does not mean you forget. Healing means that you learn how to cope with the feelings associated with the assault and the trauma and no have it have a profound impact on every aspect of your day. There will still be times he will be triggered, but the intensity and the duration will be considerably decreased because of the help he will receive.

He will again be able to see the beauty in life, laugh, have fun, and be spontaneous.

He will also be able to share himself with the person he loves.






Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#405781 - 08/04/12 12:17 AM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
Yellowbird Offline


Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 27
He ended the relationship through text a month ago, he wouldn't pick up when I called. my heart is sadden. I miss him. I am pretty sure he is at the stage that I deserve better and that he is not worthy of the relationship.
_________________________
Without faith nothing is possible, with it everything is possible. You just have to believe.

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#405785 - 08/04/12 01:17 AM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
You have so much on your shoulders right now, Yellowbird. I'm sorry that I can't do something to help ease your pain, but no one can do that, can they?

I hope you have a good support system in your life. You have suffered much victimization, and you deserve healing- not continuously inflicted new wounds.

You said you've received counseling in the past, but I'm not clear on if you are still receiving counseling? If you are not, is is possible to resurrect your own therapy? Do you/can you find a support group to meet with? In just what you've shared, it seems you might find support in a co-dependent (I hate that term) group? Maybe grief counseling?

Regardless, I want to tell you that I admire your wisdom in how you've responded to your beloved's abandonment, as well as the hard decisions you've made regarding your son. You may not feel it, but you are a strong and wise woman with deep character and resilience. Don't let these temporary situations deplete you of that truth!

I send you love and prayers for peace of mind-
herowannabe
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#405798 - 08/04/12 02:42 AM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
Yellowbird Offline


Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 27
herowannabe,

I have been seeing a therapist, that I am lucky to have found, he is currently receiving his doc-tern in physiology and is a Lutheran minister (I'm Catholic), he has been doing this for many years and my faith in between has never been strong. But it is now!! I am lucky to have found him!! I am actually at the maintenance stage, and am feeling incredibly good about myself!!! My therapist has showed me how to think on a cognitive level with the control of emotions. I have discovered that I am no longer a victim with my past, but a survivor!!!! Yay Me!!! With the five stages of grief I am at the acceptance stage. I still to this day will send messages of support to my ex-fiance, as I still love him, forgive him, and still want the best for him!! Even if it means setting myself up for no response from him. I know that I have to move on without him, he has made that clear. Love and let go and let GOD.
_________________________
Without faith nothing is possible, with it everything is possible. You just have to believe.

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#405799 - 08/04/12 02:44 AM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
Yellowbird Offline


Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 27
and i would still take my ex-fiance back tomorrow, regardless of circumstance
_________________________
Without faith nothing is possible, with it everything is possible. You just have to believe.

Top
#405868 - 08/04/12 09:19 PM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi Yellowbird,

I have heard of this type of blabber from counsellors before. If I had a counsellor tell me to leave my family, I would be leaving him/her immediatly.

Almost every competant counsellor will tell you to make sure you have a good support system set up for when you need somebody to talk to. Having a partener told to leave the other is telling him to get rid of a big part of his support.

As others have mentioned, you have to look after yourself first and foremost. If it's taking a walk, going shopping or even just a coffee with "the girls."
_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

Top
#409652 - 09/09/12 11:53 PM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
Yellowbird Offline


Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 27
It is over. He again text-ed and wished me good luck in my life with no explanation as to why he is breaking it off and severed all communication. He even went as far as deleting me as a Facebook friend. I gave him his space did not try to communicate to him during the healing period he asked for. I get a text one day to ask me to start my own cell phone account. So I agree to that. Did what he asked and I transfer to my own account I text-ed him and let him know it was done. He responded to Thank You and good luck in my life. I asked him why he just wanted to throw it all away, and got no response. I basically told him that everything he said to me in the past and everything that he promised in the past was a straight out lie!! Yes!! I was angry. He did respond with "I meant it all", I responded with, if you meant it all you would be following through, instead your saying goodbye. This happened a few months ago, he still has things at my place and did text me 4 weeks ago to let me know he was going to be in town in 2 weeks, told him to let me know. Haven't heard anything since. I think about him everyday still, and would have enough forgiveness in my heart to take him back. He is my one love, and I just hope he is doing well!
_________________________
Without faith nothing is possible, with it everything is possible. You just have to believe.

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