I joined the site b/c I realize i'm not ok.

Hi Steve and welcome to Male survivor,
I'm sorry that you have been molested by your uncle
Please take your time and slowly learn about resources that are available for us here.
Many survivors have to fight isolation that has left as reminder of abuse and that is sometimes very difficult task.
In that respect I've found very helpful being part of this community. Sharing and giving support to each other is something that helps me a lot.
Please look how to connect to others here.
For your information you are 10,000th member of this site and we even have thread about that
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=398900#Post398900
Keep sharing with us!
Pero

Hi Steve

Welcome to MS- I hope u use this site to find understanding and healing and to reclaim your life. Abuse is a horrible thing - and yet there is hope and recovery.

Make use of what you find here and keep sharing, ok?

Welcome Steve, hope you find healing here

Welcome Steve, hope you find healing here

Hi Steve, welcome to this site. You are brave to have posted your story and you describe your emotions and feelings well. Just know that you are not alone and that there are many of us here at MS who share your fear and uncertainty about who we are. I hope that you will find the peace and healing that you deserve.

Do you guys ever feel overwhelmed by all this? In dealing with abuse does it then dominate your whole life? Am I going to define myself from now on as a "survivor"? Will I ever laugh again? Will I ever just be "ok" again?

U can laugh and be ok again
Acknowledging a long hidden truth is disruptive and can seem overwhelming in the moment-if you reac h out for help a integrate tools for healthy living and recovery the future is bright and you will be.a stronger man.

And sometimes this is very painful as we move ahead.

I can definitely relate to cringing at being touched, the depression and isolation I live it everyday I work outside the house but I always seem to disassociate myself when I'm there.

There are only certain people that I feel comfortable with touching me and even then sometimes I pull away from them. We all have issues that we have to deal with, I am kind of lost myself so I can't really give any advise other than hang in there and know that you're not alone.

I am using this site just to rant and vent, I haven't found a therapist yet and no one knows what I am dealing with...

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who posts here...I have just started dealing with my abuse....but I find such similarities with the things I have coped with and what others are dealing with...you guys help me to understand so much about myself and you give me hope.

YEAH!

we all need each other - and you give us hope too!

Lee

.

hey Steve, just take it easy, learning to calm yourself is very important for survivor.
I've found some relaxation exercises as very helpful in such situations. Easing inner pressure is very important skill that we need to learn and practice.
When I came here I've found very simple instructions about breathing techniques that are great for calming. I've been trying to do it at my work, while walking trough city or at every other occasion and sometimes it really quickly brings back some relief and peace.
Here is the link to thread:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8114#Post378114
Other than that I can suggest grounding techniques. Such as naming objects in the room, naming something you can hear, see and feel around you, putting your feet flat on the floor and using ice on your neck.
Here is explanation and some advices at end of page:
http://www.soulselfhelp.on.ca/present.html
and here is short list of some things that you could to:
http://www.mosaicminds.org/safe-ground-new.shtml#
I hope this would be helpful for you.

Thank you peroperic... I am not being honest about my abuse...I can't even be honest to strangers anonymously...I don't know why, I never feel safe....I don't think I should post until I am ready to be more honest.

I think it is sufficient to say I was abused. I think that's as much as I can honestly tell the world right now...I wonder if I'll ever be able to really let it all out....maybe I leaped into all of this too quickly.

Hi Steve,

It is common to feel afraid, triggered and very unsettled after saying anything about the abuse you have kept secret for so very long.

If resources permit, I suggest you find a therapist, preferably one who specializes in trauma and/ or sexual abuse.

The Consumer's Guide to Therapist Shopping gives you a list of questions to ask prospective therapists. Having such a list helps take some of the anxiety out of making contact with a therapist.

If you are in the United States, Psychology Today has listings for all states and counties. You can choose the type of therapist you are seeking as well as the area(s) to which you are willng to travel. Also check your county rape crisis center. They offer services to males and females, at no cost to county residents. Some offer support groups in addition to individual therapy. Healing from these horrors is not an endeavor to be done without the help of a professional.

Since you are so triggered I suggest you do not read any of the books until you have a therapist. I also suggest that if you read the forums, you do so very slowly, and only a little at a time.

Everything here is done at your pace, and at your comfort level. It is expected that there will discomfort, but if you are having flashbacks, body memories and you find yourself very distressed over what you read here, that is your mind's signal telling you that you are doing too much, too quickly.

If you find the forums too triggering, and many do, you may find the lounge (chat) a better alternative. In the lounge you can get real-time support, or just hang out. Again, everything here is done at your comfort level and at your own pace. Many go into the lounge and do not speak. They just find it comforting to know others are around.

We also have moderated chats called Healing Circles. They meet on Sunday and Wednesday evenings at 9pm eastern time and one on Tuesday at 19:00 UTC (European and African time zone) which translates to 2 PM Eastern US time zone. The Healing Circle on Tuesdays is scheduled to resume in September.

Again, there is no obligation to participate. Many guys choose to observe the Healing Circles.

Dealing with the abuse is scarey at times. Try to remember that you survived the worst. However uncomfortable the feelings are, they cannot harm you. This is not to say you will not feel very bad at times, and I am not minimizing how bad you may feel as you embark on this endeavor. But you will get through this.

Be gentle and kind to yourself.






Anomalous

Hey Steve, you don't have to push yourself, there is no need for that. Certainly you don't have to post some personal issues until you feel safe. But please discuss and share with us your thoughts further, you don't have to talk about your story, there are a lot of themes to talk about.
Just for your information there is one additional (small) part of this forum that is visible only to full members, it is not reachable by Google and it feels much safer.
And what Anomalous said, there is moderated chat session healing circle, you can attend there without any discussion of your issues just to see what is all that about and if suites you, I think that is one of best tools for survivors here.
Take your time, discover available resources here and look how to connect to others further.

Hi Steve,

You have taken the first step towards healing, you have admitted you have a problem and asked for help. Any questions you have, there are many people here that will help you.

It will be a long and bumpy road. It will have many detours but remember that all detours lead back to the main road even though it's usually not as fast as we want.

Good luck with your healing.

I gotta keep fighting, since admitting to myself that something happened everything seems to be a trigger for me...music, TV, a look on a person's face can now upset me...I used to love movies about drug abuse and the mafia and pseudo heavy metal music like Korn/ Rob Zombie would make me feel energized to workout...now I can't stand any of it.


...I think I just need time to work it all out.

Hi Steve,

After admitting even the possibility of being abused, one's nerves get raw and sensitivities increase exponentially.

Step back and try to engage in things that you find soothing or calming.

Go for a walk, spend time with friends (especially your four footed, finned, feathered, or scaled friends). If music, tv, etc., are triggering, try to find something than those past times for a while.

Many of us were taught to be "stoic." "Do NOT express emotions!!" "Emotions (aka: crying) make you weak!!"

That is a bunch of lies - harmful lies and they prevent you from healing.

Let yourself cry and express the other emotions of pain, agony, confusion, betrayal, etc. You have good reason to be upset.

Let it out.

The more you let yourself express your feelings (without hurting yourself), the healthier you will be.

For those of us who incorporated those messages and who believed them, doing the above is difficult. We fight with all of our being not to cry or even let ourselves feel the pain.

We work against ourselves without realizing it.

So, let it out.

We will be here to hear your cries and to help soothe your pain.






Anomalous

steve - yeah, i remember that stage - like you say, EVERYTHING seems to be a trigger - stuff that you'd have been oblivious to before. it will get easier to deal with. you'll develop more tolerance for many things in time - not be so hyper-sensitive. just take it easy and don't put yourself under too much stress. back off from the triggering situations when you can until you can handle it better.

hold on!
lee

Hello Steve,

Welcome. I too just joined the site with the same realization. I'm here to help you and the community however I can.

Kind regards,

--Jeremy

:just venting:

I am sitting here surrounded by family...couples. Although they are mostly unhappy couples. And I'm all alone. No matter who I am with or where I am, I'm always alone...I wonder if they are alone too. I wonder if its all just a performance. They are as two faced and deceptive and delusional as me.

They think I'm perfect,a good guy. Super-educated, one time, successful, the pride of my family. Maybe he's a little shy. Maybe he's a little sad, awkward with women...not as out-going and the life of the party as his brothers and father. They don't know I used to shoot heroin. I kept myself fat most of my life so I wouldn't have to date. I have ED. I have constant anxiety. I trust no one. I binge drink. I was/am addicted to porn. They don't know I have attempted suicide. They don't know I think of my life as a constant confusing miserable struggle. I smile. I'm strong. I'm dependable. Smart. Fair. Kind. You can rely on me. You can count on me. Because I am not a person. I have no feelings or wants. Everyone in the world is more important than me. I'm a broken toy.(love that imagery) I owe God. If I don't sacrifice everything I can for someone else's happiness I am a bad person.I live with constant guilt. I'm subservient to everyone and everything and I don't even realize it till I am suffering from the weight of it all. I'm the 1st person to call when you're in trouble and the last person to ever worry about.

I wonder if anyone will really ever know and love me...

Hey Steve, just keep venting, I hope you'll feel better.
Manny of us keep negative picture of ourselves in our minds, somehow it is survivor's habit. I find difficult to change that stance.
Anyway I just wanted to tell you that you are great and valuable person who deserves best from life. Keep fighting for yourself and I'm sure that you'll find someone who will really love you!
Pero

hey steve I can so relate man but it does not have to stay that way. I am very much like the person you discribe trust worthy but very untrusting always anxious dependable and all that people know I am the go to guy. and like you no one seems to know the real me. but here I am learning to let tht guy come out some. I am learning to find a voice and that it is ok to say no and that if someone dosent like me then maybe it is them and not me.there is a world full of lessons I have yet to learn but I am willing to learn them, though I am realy scared of most everything you are here and among friends steve we all share a great deal. I feel that we can be understood here among those who have been there it is here that you can begin to open up and then to heal I hope it starts soon for you dude

Steve,
Let it out brother. We can take it and have been there. The early stages are a roller coaster that seems to have no end. Just keep on letting it out. I know when I started on MS I didn't think that I deserved to reach a better place that so many of our brothers have proudly found. I can honestly say that we do deserve it and can reach it. I have never been judged here and they speak from experience and that is something we all share. I never thought I was worthy of God and blamed him for what happened and why did he let it happen to me. I know now that he was their protecting me from death. You are an amazing person Steve, I can tell it in the posts that you have shared already. There are far more wiser men on here than me and they are here just like me for when you are ready. Just take the time you need.
Stay strong,
Randy

Thank you everyone for all your responses to my various posts over the past few weeks. I don't want to overwhelm the board with my "thank you's" but all of your opinions and insights are really appreciated...they have helped...


...you know this life is so short and fleeting...we're going to blink and it is going to be over, our friends and loved ones will be gone...our problems and concerns will just disappear into history...i think about all the people that came before us and all the tragedies that people have endured and I am trying to embrace the idea that if i can find any happiness in this life I have to hold on to it, i have to appreciate it...

God...I am so jealous of happy families, I see all these new couples starting their lives together and my heart hurts...it is all I ever wanted from this life, and I don't think I'll ever have it...

I just wanted to say hi again. I joined this site about 6 months ago when i was on the verge of suicide. I was probably at the lowest point I have ever been in life. I felt a daily dread that i just can't explain...

....well 6 months later I can't say my life is perfect. I haven't resolved every issue, I am still struggling a great deal with just being alive and figuring out who I am....but the misery has faded, I feel more at peace. Just getting things out and recognizing that I am not alone and slowly working on some of my issues has helped a great deal.

I am waiting for the relapse...lol...and I'm sure I will have dark days again...but they will pass, just like they passed in these 6 months.

Thank you all for sharing your stories and your support. They mean a great deal to me...I will never be free, my pain defines me...but I have hope again that I will have good days to accompany the bad ones...I thank you all who have the courage to be here and I hope you all find some kind of peace and goodness in your life....

Hi Steve,
it is good to see you back, and with some peace in your heart.
Many of us have some periods of low mood, sometimes it looks like our lives are just constant struggle. Well there is more than that
It is good seeing you sharing with us.
You are not alone!

Pero

Steve -

glad you are still with us.

happy that it is (at least sometimes) better for you.

thanks for the update.

Lee

It's funny right after I posted my " I feel better" message, I fell back into a pattern of fear and anxiety and worry... there is no cure, no day when you will say the work is over... its a forever process, like a diet and exercise plan for the mind...at no point do you get to stop, but it does get easier and you will accomplish amazing things if you keep trying...I'm not talking about me, I am not there yet but I see the results on this site from so many men who have been "working" for years...