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#398614 - 05/28/12 02:01 PM letter from my daughter to her father/perp
confusion4life Offline


Registered: 02/12/12
Posts: 109
Loc: Italy
her father/ perp wrote her a letter saying sorry and blabla...and she wrote back the following letter:

(name),

i understand what you are saying but i dont know if i can agree with it. you have promised a lot of things that were realy important to me and its not like you kept any of those promises. i dont know yet what to believe and if there is anything i should believe, rather not. i WANT to believe you at the same time i dont want to get hurt again, so i wont believe a thing you are saying for now. my body and mind are not ready for any more damage.
everyone says that they are proud of me, but it doesnt feel that way. everyone says that i have done everything right. why didnt i then say anything earlier? why didnt i push you away earlier? why didnt i hate myself? i have have done so much better but i dont think you understand what i am saying here anyway.
while you did this thing to me in the past 4 years, all my feelings got mixed up. i wanted you to stop but i felt too weak for making you do it. i loved you as my fahter who i never actually had. i hated you for lying to me. HATE, LOVE, WEAKNESS! who can control that? i felt left behind with al lmy pressure. i felt i was running along path which doesnt ever end. i felt like shouting, crying but it was like someone cut my head off. at the same time i had to take responsibilities like school, friends, sports. but yeh! you are right!...i managed everyting pretty well. but my questions are still open. i lost my confidence a long time ago and one thing is sure! I WANT IT BACK!!! you are the only one who can help me at this point. i want you to change to be a perfect, safe and true honest man who knows what feelings are. a man who can see who the people are who really love you, who actually care. a man who appreciates that. if you have bevome that person, i can get my confidence back. you owe me big time!
there is something else i want. i want a father who loves me in a way a father should love his daughter. i want a father to talk to, a father to mess around with, to fight with. i miss the father whom i had before the abuse started. but i dont think i will ever get him back without any abusive thoughts. the only thing i cna do is to HOPE. to hope that i am important enough for you to change.
_________________________
everything is always okay in the end, if it's not, then it's not the end

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#398618 - 05/28/12 04:16 PM Re: letter from my daughter to her father/perp [Re: confusion4life]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi confusion,

Just know that the feelings she is having are completely normal for somebody who was abused.

The perp is always considered to initiate the abuse. I would be very, very careful of even talking to him. He abused her and the only way I would even consider talking to him is if he is in therapy.

If he says that he is, get the therapist's name and confirm with him/her that he is actually undergoing therapy. First, get a written and signed letter from the perp stating your step daughter is only seeking permission to confirm that he is receiving and/or that he has received therapy been rehabilitated. If he will not allow that, steer well clear of him; my guess would be that he IS NOT getting treated.

Your step daughter had NOTHING in ANY way, shape or form to do with the abuse and she IS NOT RESPONSIBLE in any way responsible for the abuse. As an adult her father was totaly responsible to not abuse her. Because it was her father, he is considered to have used that trust to abuse your step daughter. No matter what the abuser IS ALWAYS wrong.

Your step daughter will recover a lot faster the earlier it will be if she delays treatment. If your step daughter is undergoing therapy for the abuse (and I feel strongly she should be), I would be sure to discuss with him/her how reconsiliation would benifit you, what the consequences could be to you could be and anything else that could affect YOUR HEALING. This will enable you to make an informed decission.

Good luck to her with her decision either way you decide.
_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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#398643 - 05/28/12 10:49 PM Re: letter from my daughter to her father/perp [Re: confusion4life]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
Ela's daughter. I really enjoyed your letter to your dad. While he has come along way he still has a long journey ahead of him. I don't know if we can get your old father back but I think we can build a new father who is even better. You will never be able to trust your dad like you did that is just impossible. The new safeguards in place will help you build this new dad. You will have a chance to meet a whole new dad. Follow the safeguards but please give him a chance. You will be surprised at the results. Sorry I am away right now. I hit major burn out and had to get away but your family is in my heart and in my mind always. Mike

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#398748 - 05/29/12 10:19 PM Re: letter from my daughter to her father/perp [Re: confusion4life]
mmfan Offline


Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 114
Well written letter and kudos to her for the courage to express her anger, betrayal and outrage so honestly. Yes all these feelings are normal and totally understandable.

I myself have never been able to confront my parent-abuser so I admire her strength and courage in doing so at such a young age.

I could relate to her wanting a "good dad," as I myself have wished for my abuser to turn into that "good parent" I always longed for. At times I even longed to re-establish contact despite knowing my abuser hadn't changed. It took YEARS for the hope to die -and it still hasn't entirely. (And no my abuser still hasn't changed. I'm in my 30s now.) The need for parents is one of the strongest and most basic human needs.

I wish I could warn her that he isn't likely to be the father she needs, and that the pain and grief over this will likely be more than she can imagine, sometime years down the road. I hope I'm wrong, but it's my experience. And the "loss" of a parent through abuse is devastating, and is a deep wound that affects a person in the most profound ways.

She CAN however move on and heal without him. She can and will find healthy men who partially meet the need for a father figure, and she will find the strength in herself she needs to be a whole person, which no one else can give to her.

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