After years of trying half-heartedly addressing my CSA issues, I am ready to get serious.

I was only abused once, by a choir director, when I was nine. It was nothing other than pulling pants down and touching each other, but that simple thing has f'd up my whole life.

No close friends, not close with my wife, years of smoking and anon sex w/ men.....all in the shadows....a whole secret compartment....I cannot do this anymore....its killing me.

On the outside, successful, great family......but on the inside, constant anxiety.....sexualizing everyone I meet...I keep doing this shit, but guess what?.....it does not make things better. I do not have therapy available and cannot tell my wife....I just can't.

So....tomorrow.....the anon stuff stops, as does the smoking/hiding.....I guess that I will have to just deal with the feelings....stay with them, and see what they have to teach. Maybe reading other's stories will help....this just sucks so much.....so much life wasted (I am 50).....I guess that as long as I am not dead, it is not too late.

Thanks for listening guys.....really needed to get that out
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A scared little boy who is trying to heal and feel again..