After reading this thread and hearing the response, I now truly know it was the kindness, non-judgment and understanding of others that helped me to heal.
I have found myself reflecting on my life more frequently in recent weeks. Events over the past several weeks, therapy, support groups, MS, supporters make me realize how lucky I have been to survive the past abuses. I see those we have lost, those who continue to struggle (but I know they can do it and we all need to be there for them), the people in the Sandusky case who will have to relive the horror of the abuse in public and every victim I read about.
I also remember something a woman in our neighborhood, Mrs. Briggs, told me in my early teens at the beach. She was part Native American and would read peoples’ hands. I remember the time she read mine, she asked if I had been sick as a child and said in mid life I would be deeply troubled and hurt by others. The hurt would not be sickness. I asked why and she said my lifeline at a young age had breaks and reconnected to the main line and the same thing happened, but much deeper, with my lifeline in mid life. She said I would get better and have a long and happy life. I can still see these breaks in the lifeline. I never gave much credence to palm reading but it seems she could see more than I did. However, by coincidence there was so much truth to what she said.
For the past two nights I was bombarded with taunts about my acting out, the incompetency of my therapist, the stupidity and idiocy of my supporters and therapist and it goes on and on. This board is read and all comments are painstakingly analyzed to see what fault they can find with the posters—which is easy from people who view themselves as perfect (in their own minds). It is as though they do not want anyone to heal, especially me. But I realized after the past two nights, they can no longer push me back to that dark place of the child. I have made excellent progress with the understanding the different parts of me—especially the child who was so longed buried but awakened and allowed to control (I know they will read this, laugh and say they know everything about CSA, PTSD, and abuse and no one suffers from it). No longer does the child feel the only way to be whole or loved is to recreate or re-victimize the abuse. I no longer deny that part of me—I was abused sexually as a child and I accept it now and no longer need to hide from it. The secrecy, shame, guilt, distrust only made life difficult and did not allow me to live and feel joy and happiness. It is great to feel free of the burden of the secret. I also realize the part I buried for so long was angry and lost. This part allowed new abuses to enter my life.
I did not handle the new abuses and torment properly, I allowed the child to take over because I was weakened emotionally by the new torments. But no more will anyone push me to a place I no longer bury or a part of me that once held shame, guilt and denial. I have let go of those emotions, but small parts of these emotions will always remain.
I know they will read this and seeing I cannot speak to them, maybe they will see a piece of what has been done and realize they too need help. They have turned from spitting on me (but it did occur last week), spraying water at me or throwing grease on me (and expecting me to clean it up from the doors and floor) then being verbally attacked by certain members of the family, credit cards being charged by a child, ransacking my car, computer, wallet, telephone, pockets, desk, files and so much more to attacking those that helped me to heal. I made mistakes and it contributed to the environment in the home. I was there when they needed me—hanging posters, early morning rides, long distance drives for golf and tennis matches, class changes, being sick and unable to drive and walking to the stores and arranging rides for the children when their mother needed to be away, meals and cleaning when their mother was away on extended periods, hanging streamers for their birthdays, hiding Easter eggs for the annual family Easter Egg hunt, Friday night boboli, and so much more—but I failed to remind them all that was done and now all is lost. But, I believe a parent should do and not need to remind children of what was done. It creates guilt. Maybe my thinking is wrong and I should have a list and remind others what I have done.
I no longer write letters to my wife asking for help because they would be shared with the children, twisted and turned against me. I have re-read several and realize I was crying for help for so long, but the compassion was not there, or willingness to realize the children should be first, to help “us”, I was drowning. I shared parts of the letter with others who are helping me on different levels and parts of my life, and when reading the letters they have said they clearly see my cry for help, it could not be any louder. They are in disbelief in the amount of information that was shared with the children and say nothing good comes from bringing children into adult and marital situations. I have learned this type of parent/child relationship is learned and will be passed from generation to generation but the degree and severity of the behavior will vary. Whatever it may be, help is needed.
I have found strength in myself that I did not realize I possessed. But I now know I needed to accept the past in order to find my inner self. It was from you, supporters, support groups and my T that has allowed me to be at this place in my life. No longer am I ashamed of my past because the abuse was not my fault I was a child but how I handled the awaking was my responsibility. I should have sort help as I was having periods of feeling like a passenger in my body or lost time, I did not seek the help. Why, fear of allowing the “secret” to be known, thoughts of going crazy, believing I could handle it on my own, ashamed of my failures. But looking back I did not have the capacity to handle, I was damaged from the CSA and what was going on around me. Abuse is horrible it destroys the mind, body, soul and heart. Now I look forward to happy tomorrows (and if Mrs. Briggs is correct I will have a long and happy life because the lines are reconnecting) and I no longer letting others push me to feel like a passenger in my body or loose time when attacked by those around me. Healing is a difficult process but in the end it offers many rewards,hopes and dreams. I truly want to be there for others working on healing or feeling lost because of sexual abuse. Only together can we help others to heal. Negative or all knowing judgments only damage and push back the healing process. Remember the victim/survivor is the only one who knows the pain of CSA/ASA--no one around you can tell you how you feel--only you can feel what has been done to you.
Edited by KMCINVA (06/04/12 10:15 AM)