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#398977 - 05/31/12 09:09 AM Re: self condemnation [Re: nebius]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 364
Also, Nebius, did you file a police report? Press charges? If I was your husband, I would. This woman sounds like a nut case and for all you know, she could file charges against him cause she is crazy.

I am not an attorney, but when it comes to dealings with crazy people, you need to protect yourself.

Speak with an attorney, in my opinion. I don't know if filing charges would make the situation worse or not but I would definitely speak with an attorney.

I do truly feel so bad for you and can't begin to imagine your confusion and pain.

When we are responding to your situation, we are all responding from waht we have seen and experienced with our husbands. I, myself, am still in shock at the depths of what my husband has done and said in the past 2 years since d-day and in the 5 years before d-day. I look at him still today with the "who are you" thoughts. Most of the time, I truly have no idea. I believe I am still in shock. 2 years later, I still have nightmares. PTSD? I am sure. I jsut never, ever, EVER would have imagined this sweet, kind, gentle man would have done what he has done.

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#398978 - 05/31/12 09:23 AM Re: self condemnation [Re: nebius]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Quote:
On a personal note - I do find some of the comments said here very supportive but I also found others to be quite insulting. We do not debate whether a man might have been abused as a child but there is one as to whether a man was as an adult. What year is this again?


No sarcasm intended, but this is the year so many of us learned our trusted husbands have another side that we only discovered by various, devastating ways:

- Being diagnosed with an STD
- Having financial catastrophe due to spending thousands of dollars on hookers, hotels, alcohol, drugs, gambling, porn, etc.
- Watching our family disintegrate due to betrayal, abuse, hospitalizations, etc.
- Losing the means to support our family by our husbands' job loss, our own, or having our resources drained by the above and the counseling bills that ensue.
- The death of our own selves due to the horrific trauma of learning your entire life was a lie; the man you've loved and trusted doesn't exist. And we were too "stupid" to see it. Now we don't even trust our own judgement.
- My sisters can add to this list, no doubt.

Again, NO ONE is saying this man was NOT raped; perhaps he was as has been the experience of many men on MS.

However, maybe he wasn't. If this man is acting out/acting in, or is simply covering his tracks, which is possible, then Nebius must, for her own physical, spiritual, mental and emotional health, be supported.

That all of this is mere speculation is spot on! But providing Nebius the fruits of our varied labors can only be beneficial.

herowannabe
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#398980 - 05/31/12 09:33 AM Re: self condemnation [Re: nebius]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1710
I believe the therapist and support groups are key for your husband and you. I have learned, people can pass judgment but sadly what happens to a child or adult who is raped is devastating. People can question, deny or not believe, but it is their choice. Something I read about bullying and posted is key here--rape is a heinous act of bullying--the last three lines

You think you know them.
Guess what?
You don’t.

The child is forever damaged until healed, the adult becomes damaged in someways and like the child does not become whole until they heal. How they act, why they act the way they do is because of what happened do them--rape-- you may think you know them but as the poem said you don't. The act created a barrier, a wall, confusion, distrust and pain.

Nebius, there is enough judgment out there in this world--everyone knows everything, but no one knows the pain and damage of a rape victim better than the victim--no matter if they are a parent, sibling, spouse or child. Therapy and support groups are not about judgment but rather a safe place to express your feelings about you and your situation, a place to show compassion and ask questions that will allow the person to examine themselves, a place they will not feel attacked or judged. There is no right or wrong in healing--we all do it at our own pace and own way. We explore the past and learn to live with the past because we allowed events to control our lives as does the situation you face. You need to heal, learn to live with it and not let it dominate your life. It takes time and energy.

CSA and ASA wreak havoc on lives, but the victim and hopefully a survivor in many cases has no idea who they are and why it happened. Shame grips the victim, a child carries this for a lifetime and can react to new hurts by further retreating and feeling more damaged. An adult feels violated and shame. And when those around them say it is not true or could not happen, it heightens the shame and can push the victim over he edge.

I learned from someone who said--she could not judge a person because until I walk in their shoes I do not know what life has done to them. So listen, take in the probing questions,express your anger, seek help and support. Do not allow judgments by others to cloud your healing. Good luck

One last thought, as for pressing charges, it is your husband's choice--he may feel shame and public notice may help him but it can also further damage his self esteem.

Best wishes




Edited by KMCINVA (05/31/12 09:37 AM)

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#398984 - 05/31/12 09:44 AM Re: self condemnation [Re: nebius]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Ever heard of manipulation. Don't all be so quick to condemn?
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#398985 - 05/31/12 09:57 AM Re: self condemnation [Re: nebius]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2016
Loc: durham, north england
I think darrel and martin have said it here for me. What I find worrying about people's reactions is the instant assumption, when terms like "s/xual predator" and "sadistic" are thrown around that this is an affair willingly gone into by a man of his own volition. This is dangerously close to the "men can't be raped" sterriotype of our society, which is why I find it such a disturbing judgement.

I can understand that from the perspective of those who's husbands have had affairs, that might be the first conclusion, but given the fact that Nebius is here, the fact that such language was used etc, that seems far less likely to me.

I could be utterly wrong of course, but the feeling I get from reading the story is a man who has been taken advantage of. Here in the Uk the law is innocent until proven guilty, and I think perhaps this is a worth while law to follow in this case, given everything I've heard.

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#398986 - 05/31/12 10:01 AM Re: self condemnation [Re: nebius]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 364
Manipulation is exactly what we are talking about. Hero, esposa, Gretta and I have all been horribly manipulated by the men who are supposed to love us. We are scared for nebuis if that is what is happening to her.

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#398988 - 05/31/12 10:06 AM Re: self condemnation [Re: nebius]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Since when is manipulation without some kind of physical control over an ADULT a crime? Men and women have manipulated each other since Genesis. To call that rape means a lot of us belong in prison.

Remember, we are talking ASA here, not CSA!

Understandably, the survivors will take in Nebius's factually sparse post with a rape filter. Some supporters will use a filter of adultery for good reason.

The truth is all any of us seek. Then, appropriate support can be provided.
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#398989 - 05/31/12 10:17 AM Re: self condemnation [Re: nebius]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
I'm really sorry that there are so many women here that have been hurt by the survivors in their lives. I can't imagine how devastating it would be to find out that your spouse was having an affair. Marriage is a sacred and holy thing which is why I felt so tormented after having been raped.... it is something that has physically and emotionally scarred me, and my wife has scars as well.

I've read a lot of threads on this forum about male CSA survivors acting out their abuse by having affairs. A lot of times these men never learned healthy boundaries, or maybe sex became like a drug for them and they had affairs compulsively. In either case, I can imagine how hard it would be to struggle with loving a husband who do such things, knowing that there is a hurting boy within who never deserved to be abused, but then also dealing with a wake of destruction caused by bad choices. It sounds like a horrible situation to go through and I feel sorry for you all...

However, the story Nebius is telling might not be that same story. I think each and every one of us has experienced a lot of pain caused by sexual abuse, and these experiences can sometimes cause us to look at others' experiences through the same "box." But if this guy really was manipulated, coerced, and/or threatened by this female stalker, then he's been victimized and it wasn't an affair at all. My instinct is to think that people are innocent unless proven otherwise, because I hate it when people barrage me with questions instead of just believing my story.

I can't tell you how many times I've dealt with people, even therapists, interrogating me first before saying, "Well, I guess it wasn't your fault, then." I get a lot of questions. "Why didn't you tell someone?" "Are you sure he would actually follow through on killing you?" "He probably wouldn't have done such a thing?" "Couldn't you have asked for a different nurse?" "Why didn't you call for help?" (That would have been nice but he took away my ability to speak)

When people doubt my story before believing me, I shut down. I can't trust them.

My brother ultimately believed me and is supportive, but of course he asked a lot of questions before he came to the conclusion that it wasn't my fault. Honestly one of the only things that works to stop people from asking so many questions is to tell them about the surgery I had to have to correct the physical damage, and the damage that still exists because I think another surgery would be too triggering.

Thankfully my wife never questioned my story but I know if she put me to a lie detector test, not only would it show that it was being honest, but it would probably cause me to shut down in the relationship and lose whatever confidence I still had in her.
_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#398990 - 05/31/12 10:21 AM Re: self condemnation [Re: nebius]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1710
I am scared for everyone. The judgments here are becoming confrontational--I do not think that helps anyone. We all have opinions, and opinions can be expressed without judgment. Words of hurt, words that do not offer direction to those seeking help but rather pontificate with an answer.

Let's help each other, so many have been hurt, the victim, those around them, family and friends.

I have lived in an environment of always being wrong and judged, attacked in so many ways and look it pushed me over and pushed me beyond who I was because of the burden of CSA. The ASA victim here carries a burden, so does those around him. No one escapes. And no one will heal with these judgments and innuendos.

It is becoming a bullying session and not one that is helpful to Nebius. It is becoming a he said she said discussion and very confrontational--you are wrong, I am right.

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#398991 - 05/31/12 10:23 AM Re: self condemnation [Re: nebius]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 364
Dark Empathy,

From what I understand, it was the therapist or doctor who used the work sexual predator and sadistic.

We all on here have been to enough therapists and doctors who really shouldn't be counselling people on matters such as this because they are not trained in it.

I dont' know about everyone else here, but while therapy shopping, I actually had a therapist tell me that my husband was gay and a sociopath and I needed to just accept that.

I don't put a whole lot of stock in therapists or doctors unless they are truly trained. Sopme of them don't know shit. we all know that.

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