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#398778 - 05/30/12 05:07 AM Re: self condemnation [Re: nebius]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi All

Again when I posted this reply I had a feeling that we had another one of "THOSE TOPICS" Gretta I understand your reluctance, this stems from all that you have endured, but we need to ALL remain open minded here.
Please lets not turn this into a bun fight.
The reason I posted my reply was because of the quote below

Quote:
when he told her not to contact him again she laughed and said that was fun. It's been months since this happened and he feals suicidal at times, confused and angry. How does this happen to an adult man? I am a little confused myself-is it just a cover?


A man that has had an affair Does NOT become suicidal, this is not in his nature. If he chooses to have an affair, then the man would start with lies and deception rather than the extreme shame that this man displays.

AGAIN I STRESS, ALL THAT COME HERE ARE HURTING AND LOOKING FOR ANSWERS, LETS NOT LET THIS TOPIC DECAY INTO A BUN FIGHT.

Nebius, I feel that your husband is genuine, I have seen many stories, this one just touches me as genuine.
Support him, but mainly Support yourself.

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#398812 - 05/30/12 08:42 AM Re: self condemnation [Re: nebius]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 724
Loc: NJ
A man that has an affair does not become suicidal??

I am sorry. That isn't really true. Before I continue, let me state that I am in no way in a position to make any determination about Nebius' situation. It sucks.

But hang on... Nebius could be describing my husband's affair. She laughed and said it was fun?? Let's be honest, any woman who is knowingly sleeping with a married man is a little bit NOT NORMAL. And a man who wakes up one day and realizes that a situation is far out of control and is remorseful and repentant for what has happened, could be suicidal. Especially when they WAKE UP and face the wasteland of their post-affair lives.

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#398813 - 05/30/12 08:48 AM Re: self condemnation [Re: whome]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239


Quote:
A man that has had an affair Does NOT become suicidal, this is not in his nature. If he chooses to have an affair, then the man would start with lies and deception rather than the extreme shame that this man

Nebius, I feel that your husband is genuine, I have seen many stories, this one just touches me as genuine.
Support him, but mainly Support yourself.


The first statement is completely untrue, men who have affairs can and have become suicidal. That extreme shame is terrible. These sweeping all or nothing statements don't make sense to me.

However the second statement I believe to be true and I told her in my first post. Somehow assuming he had an affair vs. Raped is not meant to start a fight or hurt anyone in anyway. I believe he is 100% sincere.

Having an affair is more intentional and obviously more hurtful to wife and the overall relationship. Rape implies zero responsibility over the fact that it happened. I find that Doubtful inthis situation. When a woman comes here and asks the question I answer her as honestly as possible. I don't do it to hurt her I do it to give her the truth.

I would still like an answer on personal responsibility.

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#398825 - 05/30/12 10:14 AM Re: self condemnation [Re: nebius]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Martin I first want to say that I respect your opinion but I hope you see mine. In the past when I was in the depths of my despair you told me some things that were hard to hear. I appreciated it. When the board went silent on a question I would ask, you came forward and told me the cold hard truth. I wasn't offended I appreciated it.

I spent many many nights pouring over this board looking for answers, my husband suicidal, drinking and denying it. It was horrible. You gave me answers that were pretty.

I think survivors have a huge fear of not being believed so they go in the other direction without fully thinking it through. It's what they would have wanted for themselves.

This man is not a child he is an adult, and ironically I believe him. I believe he had an affair that went really bad and he needs major help. Jumping over the facts and calling rape is a serious accusation.

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#398826 - 05/30/12 10:21 AM Re: self condemnation [Re: nebius]
nebius Offline


Registered: 05/29/12
Posts: 6
Thanks for all the discussion. I know alot of details are missing here. It is true an affair takes time and lies-put this into perspective he knew her for about 16 hours of his life. He never said it was mutual, in the world we live in, two adults no matter what the situation must be adultery-thats at least what we both thought. We bagan going to a therapist who has 32 yrs of experience to hash out our new "marital problems". Everything was presented under the pretense of adultery but when it all came out we were shocked to hear words like rape-sexual predator-sadism-beguilement etc... It is not until we had clarity on the issue and I found this website that we are finally starting to heal. Husband is now starting to show signs of post traumatic stress and is taking meds. Yes, he is very smart and is very compassionate it was all used against him. I am not interested in seeing the best in my husband -I'm only interested in finding out the truth. He has been reading these blogs and is considering joining-he is shocked to hear he is not the only one.

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#398828 - 05/30/12 10:42 AM Re: self condemnation [Re: nebius]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 06:07 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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#398881 - 05/30/12 03:56 PM Re: self condemnation [Re: nebius]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
We seem to be mixing up CSA and ASA. laugh
Remember that there is a huge difference between the two With Adult Sexual assault, I don't see suicidal tendencies coming in. It takes a calculating devious man to initiate an affair. If he then gets into a situation where he might get caught with his pants down, he will start with the lies and accusations.
When an adult male is RAPED, and it does happen, he then gets these feelings. It is a serious serious happening.

Now on the other hand, a CSA victim already often has suicidal tendencies. A CSA victim has affairs as a "drug" to deal with the pains of his past. when he is caught then an entire life of lies starts to unravel.

So there are huge differences between the two.
We cannot in this day and age, write off the fact that ADULT men are raped in many different ways, and I mean raped by men and woman.

WE really need to become a little more tolerant and accepting that these things are possible.
Unfortunately Rape is no longer a gender based crime. I see this every day in Africa.

Another important factor is Nebius's gut feel about her husband. CSA victims Are generally liars, 'normal' men don't live like this so there would be a distinct difference in behaviour.
Soooo essentially Nebius would be the only one that could judge this.

I love that this is now a debate, and Nebius, we are doing the one thing I hate, hijacking your post. I am really sorry, but I hope that you have learnt something here.
I also hope that your husband will join this site, I know it will be good for him.

Heal Well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#398886 - 05/30/12 04:11 PM Re: self condemnation [Re: nebius]
nebius Offline


Registered: 05/29/12
Posts: 6
there is no past of csa and since coming out with all the gruesome details about this situation he revealed lies from his past... he told me he went to the movies one night when we were dating with a bunch of the guys and didn't tell me about it. That was as dark as his past got. So this whole thing was a total shock definatley out of his character.

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#398897 - 05/30/12 06:09 PM Re: self condemnation [Re: nebius]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 364
Hello all,

I have to say I agree with gretta. It sounds like he engaged and things got REALLY crazy. How is it that he was alone with this woman to have something like this happen?

Was he raped? Quite possibly? But what was he doing alone with a women who isn't his wife in the first place.

As for men becoming suicidal after the affairs are out....absolutel possible. I see it with my husband. the shame is unbearable. Now that the truth is out about his activities, he has been very much suicidal.

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#398899 - 05/30/12 06:29 PM Re: self condemnation [Re: mmfan]
GBWU Offline


Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 17
mmfan

Could not have said it better. Well done - striking down all those ridiculous myths that I once believed myself until it happened to my husband.

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