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#398680 - 05/29/12 11:51 AM self condemnation
nebius Offline


Registered: 05/29/12
Posts: 6
my husband came home and said he had an affair. As details about the situation came out it just didn't seem to add up. For example, this woman had done some measure of stalking-asked around for his contact information, befriended some of our extended family members, began visiting some of our regulare places of interest, and had a great interest in our eldest daughter. (all this things occured before he knew of her). She engaged him under the pretense of seeking his advise for some of her family health problems. He says it went from seemingly innocent conversation to coming onto him physically. The actual act was sadistic in nature and he says was very painful for him. He can't remember much of it but felt like he was being controlled and manipulated. We started going to a therapist who after hearing the story says he was not in an affair of any sort but fell victim to a sexual predatore who beguilled and abused him. When he told her not to contact him again she laughed and said that was fun. It's been months since this happened and he feals suicidal at times, confused and angry. How does this happen to an adult man? I am a little confused myself-is it just a cover?

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#398689 - 05/29/12 01:01 PM Re: self condemnation [Re: nebius]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
I am sorry and this is going to sound harsh but doesn't it sound like he doesn't want to take responsibility for his own actions?

I believe looking back on the act can be painful especially when he realizes how much he has hurt someone he loved and I would never doubt if he is suicidal but I do find it hard to believe that he had no control over saying yes or no. My mom always said it takes 2 to tango. (cheesey but true)

You know him better than anyone and when she first started soliciting his advice did he tell you? If not then I would ask why?

What I love about your husband is that HE CAME HOME AND TOLD YOU! He gets big big points for doing that. He was brave for doing so.

Oh yeah and I totally believe she stalked him, that happens more than you know. There are some desperate women out there. It never ceases to amaze me. I am sorry for you pain and I wish you and Your husband a steady recovery.

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#398690 - 05/29/12 01:08 PM Re: self condemnation [Re: Gretta]
nebius Offline


Registered: 05/29/12
Posts: 6
yes he did tell me -he is a medical provider so it wasn't anything that I thought anything weird, alot of people ask him for advice. their wasn't any solicitations.

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#398706 - 05/29/12 04:14 PM Re: self condemnation [Re: nebius]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
HI Nebius.

I am so sorry that this happened to your family. This is becoming a huge problem today, woman are stalking men, and In some cases drugging them and raping them.
Your Husband has been through something that the world denies can happen, but it is happening more and more.

There is a section on the Site for men assaulted as adults, Please encourage your husband to join us and post in that section. Your husband was raped plain and simple, no doubt. Please encourage him to join us.

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#398727 - 05/29/12 07:56 PM Re: self condemnation [Re: nebius]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Martin with all due respect how can you say that without further information? Isn't it equally as possible that he cheated, can't live with himself and comes forward with fuzzy details because he doesn't want to discuss. Wouldn't her husband remember being drugged? I am not saying men can't be raped.


Edited by Gretta (05/29/12 08:03 PM)

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#398728 - 05/29/12 08:30 PM Re: self condemnation [Re: Gretta]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1864
Loc: durham, north england
Originally Posted By: Gretta
Martin with all due respect how can you say that without further information? Isn't it equally as possible that he cheated, can't live with himself and comes forward with fuzzy details because he doesn't want to discuss. Wouldn't her husband remember being drugged? I am not saying men can't be raped.


Greta, might I suggest you reread the front of this site, considder how many men here have been s/xually abused by women, and rethink the above statement of blaime.

If a married woman had endured similar abuse from a man, I don't think "it takes two to tango" would be your response. I find your assumption that just because he is an adult man he cannot be a victim, and that a woman cannot be an abuser quite distasteful, particularly given the purpose of this site.

nebulous, I'm extremely sorry to here what happened to your husband, and I feel quite angry that this woman could get away with what she did.

Unfortunately, whome is right however, and there really isn't an easy way of dealing with this, other than trying to recognize what happened and work through it. Maybe you should suggest to your husband to try this site, sinse it is a great place for male survivers of sa to start healing.

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#398734 - 05/29/12 09:37 PM Re: self condemnation [Re: nebius]
mmfan Offline


Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 114
Originally Posted By: nebius
How does this happen to an adult man?


Manipulation, coercion, confusion, surprise, physical force, drugs, freeze response from prior trauma that incapacitates him from saying "no"....or some or all of above.

The idea of men as invincible and ever-able to defend themselves is a myth. Even the strongest, "manliest" man can be a victim of rape.

He has a helping nature and this woman played on his compassion. She had power because of involvement with your child. She insinuated herself into your lives. Yes she stalked him. That alone is very powerful evidence.

All too often the victim is disbelieved. If a trained and skilled therapist is calling this assault/rape then that is very telling. The word you used, "sadistic" is also very telling.

His reaction now (suicidal) also speaks volumes. As you said it doesn't add up to the usual "affair." I'm guessing he used that word because he was struggling to label it as something, anything that he could wrap his mind around.

You are doing the right thing seeking support and answers, and standing by him. Believing him, treating him gently and with dignity is helpful from a healing standpoint. "I believe you, it's not your fault, I will see you through this" are among helpful things for a survivor to hear.

The phrase "It takes 2 to tango" categorically does NOT apply to non-consensual sex, aka RAPE.


Edited by mmfan (05/29/12 09:45 PM)

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#398743 - 05/29/12 10:13 PM Re: self condemnation [Re: dark empathy]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Dark empathy, your are wrong if a married woman went outside of her relationship and had an affair she should be held responsible for her actions. He ADMITS having an affair, unpleasant and ultimately unfulfilling but non the less an affair, as it seems but he engaged. It's hysterical that you and others have marked it as rape when he already admits to consent. He's a medical provider so one would have to assume he is smart enough to know the difference between being raped and having an affair. It takes time and many lies to have an affair.

I only asked the question, how Martin came to the very quick decision without more information?

I was only asking the question isn't it equally as possible he engaged and is struggling with sharing the details with his wife. It's funny NO ONE answered the question because the answer is yes. That happens as often as any other scenario (probably more but unwilling to debate) and the victim is a trusting wife who wants to believe the best in her husband and ultimately is left misidentifying the situation and the root issue is never addressed.

I am not insulting any of the men who were raped as adults or denying an adult man can be raped. But I also don't think you should insult them when a consenting male adult has bad sex and admits it to his wife. You are not helping him. He may be a victim in another way that needs help.

As for a qualified therapist we know that many or not and my only suggestion was she talk to the therapist herself.



Edited by Gretta (05/29/12 10:20 PM)

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#398750 - 05/29/12 10:24 PM Re: self condemnation [Re: nebius]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1864
Loc: durham, north england
Mmmm, greta, I think the phhrase "s/xual predator" and the fact that nebuous is on this site at all pretty much speaks for the concent issue.
Heck, even though what happened to me was in the context of insults and humiliation, I never classed it as rape myself until my mum unexpectedly used the word several years later, simply because the deffinitions of rape are just not adequate when applied to what a woman does to a man, and our society is too full of the belief that it is impossible for a man to be a victim.


Edited by dark empathy (05/29/12 10:36 PM)

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#398775 - 05/30/12 04:55 AM Re: self condemnation [Re: nebius]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Dark Empathy how old were you? And at what point as an ADULT not a child are you responsible for your own actions? Thats my question. I am talking about personal responsibility. Does that exist anymore? There are plenty of adults who consent to have sex and regret it, does that make it rape? I think they have issues that need to be dealt with yes, but is it rape no.

I am being very clear here I am NOT talking about a child here. This obviously does not apply to them.

Overall I find it frustrating that a seemingly smart functioning male (medical provider) gets into a relationship outside his marriage so mentally deep that a woman can mind power him into having sex with him? A relationship with my child or not I know the line that I am not crossing it. I am trying to wrap my brain around it. The affair was far before the physical act. I am not exactly sure what he consented to but it sounds like it was terrible and the combination of that and cheating would make someone suicidal. My sympathy goes out to them honestly, I am not diminishing their pain, because affairs are painful where everyone is concerned. My girls here can attest to it and have. I am just not buying it was against his will, and I guess we will need to agree to disagree.

I commend his wife and every other wife who as come to this site looking for help. I do not say these things to upset her but to be honest. Either road is long one, my husband cheated and underneath it all was years of horrible CSA. Either way she's in good company.




Edited by Gretta (05/30/12 05:09 AM)

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