I have found throughout my lifetime that I have problems making, having & keeping male friends I think I make them feel weird, I enjoy hanging out with them and socializing but I seem to always find myself attracted to them or if they confide in me about problems I want to help them release their frustrations by wanting them to use me. I know I can't be alone in feeling this way but I can't seem to control how I feel. I've never acted on it but I know my friends can sense how I feel as I am always watching them. and I have trouble making any eye contact. How do you control it? Like if someone is nice to me why do I always feel like there's more to it? I feel so screwed up right now.

Hey Buddy,

Neat that you asked, and yes it is a problem. I am gay, and active in Recovery (12 step groups). I am 44 and have been in a committed monogamous relationship for over two years. The long and the short of it is how we (CSA survivors with SSA) relate to other men (straight or OSA). I was recruited into sexual incest at 8. I was molested outside the family at 14, and didn't "grow into" my body until much later. Having non-sexual male friendships was foreign to me. Being sexualized at such an early age, I am well qualified for naked hijinx behind the barn, but learning how to say "I like you" or "let's be friends" without using my body was a stretch. I wanted to be liked, and didn't know how to ask for it. I had been initiated into Same Sex Behavior, so didn't see recruitment/flirting/advances as anything other than the "next logical phase" of a friendship. Until I began to see my self worth as more than just sex, I was unable to see other men as having worth more than just sex. Now I was loosing my perspective of objectification. I now began to see them as I did myself, struggling males coping with life, not sexualized objects. I did/do this with therapy. I am actively involved in recovery today. Good Luck with your own path, and hope my own view offers assistance.

Geoff

Thanks for the info, I guess this is one of the things I'll have to talk to my therapist about, problem with my therapist is that I can only see her every 2 weeks or so because she is overbooked, I think I might need a weekly visit but I hate having to explain everything all over again to someone new so that's why I decided to stay with this one. There is so much I need help with, my mind is all over the place.

take your time, one foot in front at a time...mind needs to be where your hands and feet are. No time travel. Hang in there and get some people you can call like your sponsor...build a network that is available when your therapist isn't. Good Luck....


This is the stuff I do and use to make my life a pleasant place.

Geoff

I always felt like an imposter when I was with other boys since I was 5. So it was easier to hang out with girls. To this day all my friends are woman.

I've always had more female than male friends, I have always felt awkward around guys I guess because of the attraction and I didn't want them to notice. I always wanted more male friends but have only had just a few.

I can totally relate to Geoff and didn't really begin to examine how I was sexually wired until college. I once looked at all male friendships as sexual conquests and had to retrain myself by becoming very introspective about both the early abuse and the effect it had on friendships.

Today I compare sexual urges I have on other men with the same straight behavior. You know the guys who leer at every woman who walks by or smiles. I remember that-just because I am attracted to a fella, that doesn't make him available, Nor does it require me to become a knuckle-dragging cave man. {Me think you cute & carry you off he he he}

I am capable of telling an obviously straight man that he is very attractive without disclosing some pornographic imagined image of him I see in my mind. I respect them, I refuse to disclose my sexual interest and keep it light and airy. I am married and not available myself which is also not a secret.

I am also more than capable of having an intelligent conversation even with a adonis look a like. Have a little moment where you ogle him with his back turned, but remember to actually listen to his voice. Force a topic change and engage him. Don't avoid him and whisper while you ogle him, dare to be a friend. Treat him as if he is just like your gay friends. Find some common ground and talk. You will find they respect us, value our opinions, and don't always know we are gay. Often times, once we get to know them they are not near as cute as we once thought they were. The distance maintains the allure...and the friendship lets us see them as they really are. Sometimes they are awkward, sometimes arrogant, always a little self absorbed. Most Straight men are so busy being into themselves they hardly notice other men unless they are friends. Good Luck Guys.

I identify with BDD's comment about feeling like an impostor. I've managed to keep all of my relationships with the male friends I had prior to my CSA. However in the 15 years since, my male friendships have been based around the abuse of alcohol or drugs. I have recently began thinking it was my way to make the "gay" feelings go away.

i too, having more female than male friends. its just how it is. sometimes its just hard to make friends with straight guys, its like there is some invisible walls keeping the distance. or is it just us having the issue with oftenly and wrongly fall for straight guys?

I have always had more female than male friends. I have always just felt more comfortable and at ease with woman. I have found men to be intimidating and I am always afraid of becoming close to men because it most of the time leads to attraction and feelings that I don't want to have. It has only been in the last 17 months of being in a 12 step program that I have started to feel more comfortable around men and have developed friendships in the rooms that are easy.

*

As usual, bodyguard, gave me a great laff! You're such a BRUTE!

I don't have a LOT of male friends. I don't have a lot of friends period. My friends, however, are good friends. With some of them, yeah, there was the unavoidable scoping and that's, imo, just the way we're wired. Like bodyguard said, I can find other qualities to admire. (I don't have any women friends cuz I just don't get them...if that's mysogeny, so be it).


To qualify, in my gayborhood, the hotties are a dime a dozen and their brains worth about as much. When/if there's a conversation - rarely - I detach, look 'em straight in the eye and get on a topic that's not about their physical attributes. Having walked a mile in their shoes in my younger days, it became annoying to have to fend off advances, intentional or otherwise...and I respect that. Even today, there's sometimes some old guy - well, older than ME - who makes a grab for my ass and a simple, parental "Knock it off" puts an end to that behavior.

One thing that helped over the years were gay 12-step meetings where I got to know people as people, not bodies or conquests. Hugs and affection were usually completely non-sexual because the issues raised in the meetings were too important. Usually, too, a sexual comment from one of my brothers in those meetings is simply playful, innocent gayspeak. Yeah, it exists. ("Nice ass." "Thanks. It came with the body.")


Another qualifier. I've been poz over 20 years. Baseline before starting a new meds regimine was a CD4 of...46 (normal is 500-1000). Years ago I found it interesting that the testosterone measurement was on a similar scale. Haven't really had a libido in 6 years and I simply tell my poz brothers my CD4 and testosterone are the same numbers. They get it. No one else does.

Point is, it's been a blessing in some ways. Without much libido, I engage people differently.


Only suggestion I'd make, therefore, is to perhaps engage people you DON'T find sexually attractive. An idea?

I love all my female friends and have VERY limited male friends.
My abuser was female, but I still just love women and have a hard time making or keeping male friendships.
Hell... theyre all dicks right?
HA

Hey
Like yourself I have had major issues with male friends for years. "becoming close to men because it most of the time leads to attraction and feelings that I don't want to have" is a major problem with me as well.
So please don't feel alone in your thoughts. I have just started letting the gates down to allow myself to have "male" friends .. at the moment takin an as it goes attitude.

Still like the thread, longroad. I'll throw a curve here.

Past several years I've found - like many of my straight bros - I just don't get women. Complete mystery. Maybe I'm exploring my mysogyny. Hell if I know. Anyone else?

I just know I'd rather hang out, as someone elegantly put it, with a bunch of "dicks".

It was a real struggle for me in terms of trying to have friendships with males and a big part of this was not knowing how to be a friend and not knowing how to develop true intimacy in relationships by always keeping it at such a superficial level. After making progress in men's work (lots of group work over many years, I now know how to develop intimacy and have appropriate boundaries in my friendships wiht men as well. I ahve several close friends, some are gay, some are bi, and some are straight.