Okay so I've been seeing this therapist now for about a month maybe 1 1/2 months. Anyway there are two pieces of the story I knew was there but had trouble filling in forever. Just a little side note through out my entire adult life I was repulsed by the site of an African American women no matter what people thought or how beautiful people said they were, and I never understood why till now.
First) When I was 10 my mom would trade me to the neighbor who was a African American women for rides to the store and such. She would hold me down and sit on my face I couldn't breath but it didn't matter as long as I did what I was told she would let me live. She would pin me down for hrs on end and rape me and force me to eat my own juices from her. She was mean and she hated men, but she loved to abuse me because of this fact. She used to bring her friend over and let her have her way with me to these were some of the toughest times I have ever endured in my life, I can honestly say I have never had my will tested as greatly as during this time. I can remember she used to own a blue hairbrush that was semi round on the end and she would shove it up my backside as she would rape me she said it always made me harder and she liked it hard. She never used protection and I can remember always being very scared I was going to get AIDS as this was just becoming a thing in the news and noone knew much about it. One time she forced her 13yr old virgin niece (we have talked since and both have forgiven one another) onto me. Neither of us wanted to do it but I will admit of the times I had to be there that was the time I was the least scared for my life. These swaps went on till I was 13 and she said I began to enjoy it to much, I can honestly say not one time did i ever enjoy those vists. I'm still repulsed by the african american woman but at least now I know why.
Second)I always wondered why I let it go on so long? I was 17 when I moved to make it stop. The DR's. theory is I enjoyed it despite what I knew was wrong when I got to the age of 12-13 and had the strength to make stop I choose not to because deep down I enjoyed it. I'm not sure I subscribe to this theory, I will admit there were times I did I was a teenage boy with hormones I suppose regardless of who was meeting my needs. I do know there were times I was in control and had my way with my mom but I dont feel like I ever had the real strength to say NO. Like emotionally I will admit I was probably physically able to as I worked out alot at school to keep my mind off of things but was it really that I was so sadistic I didnt want it to stop. I don't know this I am really confused about right now and honestly I'm kinda scared of the answer.....
I'm sorry for this being so graphic but I needed to share this with someone outside of Therapy and everyone here has been so supportive. Sorry if I upset anyone I had to get this out.
Menís best successes come after their disappointments.