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#398527 - 05/27/12 06:17 PM The path is long and agonizing
Steev Offline


Registered: 05/27/12
Posts: 2
Loc: Kansas City
Hi.........
So a brief overview-- I was sexually abused from the ages of 6 to 14, then at 15 he went to jail for a long stretch, and just like everyone, I did not, am not, and will not get past it mentally (and not in the way of 'not believing what happened' but in the way of the damage it caused and how that will never go away).......
I'm now 42 and my 'life' has been filled with failure in all ways.... I'm an addict without a doubt, I've never held a job more then a couple of years, I am a 'tortured soul' for sure, blahblahblah
I came to grips with it pretty quick because I was thrust into therapy, and medication right after he got arrested.....so I've been aware what happened, how it effected me, where it comes from, etc....
But the current issue that tears my soul apart on a daily basis and is the absolute bane of my existence is this--
As I said I'm 42, I have no kids (which isn't a big deal, it never was a big thing with me and thinking of myself as a 'father' really creeps me out), also I've never been married (and at my age, when people find that out, red flags go up), but the kicker is I've never been in a relationship and in fact have never had a girlfriend.....rewind that and read it again because that is pathetic.... I know sex isn't everything, but to make it worse, I rarely have sex....in fact, the last time I did was well over 5 years ago....and it was a couple of years before that, then a couple years before that, etc, etc...
As I said its the absolute bane of my stupid existence.... I've had NO personal connection with a woman at all.... Part of the reason is that I have zero self confidence, zero self worth, zero self anything when it comes to 'the game' of attracting, attaining, and maintaining a connection with a girl... Nothing..... A couple of years ago I went so far as to heavily contemplate that Maybe I'm gay.....but then I quickly figured out that's not true because the same things would still apply......and besides I'm not into guys at all lol
Going to sleep and waking up alone EVERY SINGLE TIME..... not having a deep fulfilling relationship (which ironically would do wonders for me), just walking around and holding hands with some cool girl would change me, not having satisfying sex on a regular basis, and I've missed SO many events, concerts, parties and such because I didn't want to go alone........... so depressing, so pathetic, and has made for long painful loneliness....
The kicker about this is that I'm not a terribly bad guy, ya know? I'm not college educated but I'm a fairly smart dude, I consider myself fairly funny (without a sense of humor, my head would explode lol), I love my family and the 2 or 3 friends I have........
BLECH, I hate it I hate it I hate it

Thanks for listening

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#398535 - 05/27/12 06:56 PM Re: The path is long and agonizing [Re: Steev]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5947
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Hey Steev,

We really are hard on ourselves, aren't we? Long ago we were trained to be trash, to be stepped on and ignored. We were not given the basics the non abused are given such as trust in ourselves and others, loyalty, protection, love. These things were removed, askew, warped and bent for other's to hurt us. The point at which we decide to open ourselves up to our pain, our worth, our reason, that day we begin to heal.

A relationship is very difficult in that another is dependent on the survivor for emotional support. In the beginning of a relationship we can be funny, strong and sensitive, but them our needs, triggers and acting out can really hurt them and us. Sex is sex. It has been described as the measure of how good two people are doing in a relationship. Well, that's a lie, I have been married 23 years and through the ups and downs sex was there. It is simply not true for survivors of a sexual crime.

As in therapy, determining how to perceive a path in our lives is about reason, reflection and a desire to balance our life to include that path. If you are desiring a relationship, work towards that goal. If you feel overwhelmed, afraid, angry, tired or if you feel like the inroads you are making are taking you away from the things you enjoy now, re-evaluate.

Relationships are huge emotionally speaking. This is a process that could take many months. I am encouraged in this, Steev. You are talking about it, and reasoning on it. You are disclosing the abuse so that will be a topic for that special someone in your life before serious investment, that is a good thing. I would say you are off to a great start here, and wish you much success in this process. Please keep us informed,

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#398558 - 05/27/12 10:49 PM Re: The path is long and agonizing [Re: Steev]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Welcome to Male Survivor, Steely.


Edited by phoenix321 (05/27/12 10:51 PM)
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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