HELLOOOOOOOO

I WILL TYPE THIS IN BOLD.

IS HE RECEIVING TREATMENT, IS HE IN THERAPY???

Please don't try and be his therapist.
Please guide him toward a therapist.
Please look after YOURSELF.

To all the others that have responded to this post. Please stick to the basic rules.
Advise those in pain from your OWN EXPERIENCE AND PERSPECTIVE.
Don't lecture and DON'T instruct.
Do all in love knowing that the person posting is already IN PAIN

Heal well all
Martin

Lynnemarie don't lose heart. It sounds like you're feeling your way through this with care and compassion, that won't lead you astray.

I know firsthand that we can't make our survivors go to therapy, mine refuses to go either. It's not our responsibility to "make" them go, anyway! They'll go if and when they are ready!
That doesn't stop me from getting very frustrated at times -because what's inside his head is so complex, and I feel ill-equipped to deal with it at times.

Whome, I love your phrase, "Do all in love," that is beautiful advice for everything in life.

Here's my own experience and my own perspective... all from love and a place of compassion....

LIVING WITH A SURVIVOR NOT IN RECOVERY IS A SCARY PLACE TO BE.

My opinion. The thing about recovery, I have found, is that there are things going on, feelings, thoughts, behaviors, that we do not even know about (as supporters).

No one can make someone else get help. BUT, we can set up our own boundaries and expectations - and they can decide to respect them or not. In my OPINION (from a place of love), NOT HAVING BOUNDARIES OR COMMUNICATED EXPECTATIONS HURTS A SURVIVOR MORE THAN IT HELPS.

Hi whome, I'm sorry I haven't replied to you just got caught up in everything.

To answer your first question, No my fella isn't in therapy for his abuse. At the moment it doesn't seem like an option. I believe he may know about this site as he once said he had read stories about abuse most of them made him feel bad but some had turned him on. whether he ever joined I don't know.

Now to answer you second question:

We'd been seeing each other for 7 Months before he disclosed. At first it was nothing to kinky, hell you could read worse in Cosmo! It was exciting to begin with, I suppose beginnings always are, but I have an imagination too, but sometimes he could be very full on and the moods about sex and and my own imagination made no sense and got very confusing.
I knew he had suffered from depression and low self esteem so i thought this was the reason for the moods and his need to be wanted.
As time went on things escalated, he sent me a story about a threesome, I laughed it off and said no thanks. I asked him if he had tried something like that before and thats when everything started to come out. The things he had tried with his ex wife and finally the abuse.
After he disclosed things took on a whole new meaning. He started to get more elaberate in his stories and I felt awful for the things I had said to him, but he enjoyed it and its hard to reconcile that. I pulled back for a while but this got him more frustrated and he thought I didn't like him anymore and said he regretted telling me.
I read books, trawlled the internet visited forums but it seems this particular behaviour is not the norm. Most partners reported that their bf/gf wife/husband didn't want sex at all, their problems included drink/drugs/inappropriate relationships emotional and physical, non of which I was facing. Now every story he tells the first thing that pops in my head is how will this affect him, everything I say to him has to be carefully thought out, but that can be hard to do.

I know he is trying to shape me into something, but I'm not sure he really knows who he wants me to be. He was/is attracted to me for what I stand for. He says I'm loving and kind my kids and family mean the world to me. All I know is that if I do become the person his fantasies want me to be, I will no longer be the person he wants.

I posted here because I genuinally want advice and didn't mean to offend anyone.

Aplogise again for taking so long to answer.

Take care

Hehehehe You guys are so funny.

Sorry I just feel that the subject was getting a little heated and personal. Thanks for your message Esposa, you are so right about the boundaries, but the most important factor is that the person is in therapy or recovery.
So Lynmarie, there is a lot o=f really valuable info coming through here.
Remember that essentially his healing is not your problem. If you give him the info and show him the effects and he still does not want to go to therapy, then I would suggest that you sever ties, for your own sanity.

Heal well
Martin

Hi lynnemarie,

First things first. If you are going to help your boyfriend, you have to first and foremost look after yourself. If that means leaving him, do it; if it means going for a coffee with the "girls," do it; if it means going for a walk, do it or whatever helps you, do it. If it means nudging him to go for therapy, do it even though he will resent it at first.

Having stated the above, everything about his recovery must be on his timeline. He spent years getting to where he is; his treatment also can take years. He obviously trusts you completely because if he didn't, he would never have told you about his abuse. He will need a support group and you could make an excellent shoulder to cry on or somebody to just talk to when he needs to. Ideally he would have several people he trusts enough to just vent at.

Set your boundaries and DO NOT even bend them a little. If you bend them, you are giving in to him and he will immediatly sense this and push more and more. By all means, give him support, but not in any way that you are not comfortable to do.

Remember, he has been living with this secret for a long time and has blocked out many memories and made himself a "different" person to try and hide the "person" that was abused.

For those of us that were abused, there are many side effects we try to work through. Low self esteem, fear, shame, humiliation, fear of sex, questioning of sexual orientation, excessive sex needs, lack of intimacy, promiscous sex, being asexual; the list goes on and on.

You both are heading down a long and bumpy road with many detours. Just remember that even the longest detour eventually leads back to the main road.

Good luck to both of you as you start this long and difficult journey to recovery.

Hi Lynnemarie,
Your thread is very interesting. And it seems that you got a lot of different perspectives and thoughts related to recovery. Being available and interested to listen is great help for any survivor. Problems related to survivors and sexuality are too complex for some simple approach and for me it is imposable to give some “tips” related to those issues. But as Martin-Whome said we can try to exchange our experiences.
As I’m currently working some stuff related to sexual feelings and fantasies I would like to share part of it just to give you some additional insight what is happening in my mind and my sexuality. Although it is nothing like your case (I’m not in relationship) it could be useful for you to read it.

----Trigger warning----

As you said: “Most partners reported that their bf/gf wife/husband didn't want sex at all, their problems included drink/drugs/inappropriate relationships emotional and physical, non of which I was facing. “
Please be aware that there is some connection in all those activities. It is escape from reality by doing some high drive or even dangerous acts. Of course that we all have different personalities and we look in different places for those escapes. Thing is that survivors in most cases trough all that trying to reproduce some traumatic event.
In my case it is related to masturbation and excessive watching of porn, something that is considered as non harmful let say, but obviously there are situations when it is not so healthy either.
Practically I sometimes went into fantasies about gay sex (even I consider myself as heterosexual) and somehow I’m trying to replay some aspects of my original abuse – even I hate all that. In one way it is compulsive - against my free will and destructive behavior in its nature. So be aware that even some harmless form of sexual release as masturbation is, sometimes it could be overwhelming, compulsive and out of control.
And there are many triggering situations that could be dangerous for me; I don’t talk about some scenes that could be arousing and challenging for me. I’m talking rather about emotions that are connected to my behavior and that are laying somewhere in background. Those feelings are causing me flipping from reality. And I as survivor have to heavy work on myself to become fully aware of those processes. I’m learning about connections between my feelings and acts. For example one of feelings that drives me into compulsiveness is helplessness in some difficult situations, in such state I’m easily prone to escape in world of fantasies.
That all what I said doesn’t mean that I can’t masturbate or whatsoever, it is thing that I have to be careful and watch on my feelings and try not to loose myself to compulsiveness and unhealthy sexuality (in terms that reinforces my negative self-image). It could be completely same in case that I’ve been sexually involved with some other person - sexual fantasies could be healthy and good and not otherwise…
So learning to accept my sexual feelings and finding way to choose how to act is main goal in my haling/recovery. … It is much easier to write it than to accomplish it. I have to nourish some positive aspects of sexuality/feelings and not those destructive and negative in any case. Off course there is some long road in front of me.
I hope that this would be helpful for you.
Please keep sharing your views, worries and questions, there are a lot of things that we all have to learn!
Be well!
Pero

Just one more thing Lynnemarie, please consider to ask question from your post to Ask the Sex Doc part of board (http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=76&page=1).
I would really like to see some expert's thoughts about this issue - giving support to someone who has some "strange" sexual fantasies. It could be helpfull to many of us.
Here is the link to send him PM (that is the channel for asking questions to Doc Joe Kort in that part of board) if you would like it:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=sendprivate&User=8361
Be well!
Pero

Hi whome

haha yes it was getting abit heated! But i suppose that is not a bad thing, kind of makes me realise what I am up against.

Hi Sailor John

For him it has been over 30 years, and I don't think it came bubbling to the surface I think it exploded into his life. When he diclosed he told me everything from different times in his life all in one go. It would be very naive of me to say I know how much of a bumby road it will be because I won't know how bad it is til we get to the end and look back if that ever happens.
I understand the concept of self care and boundries but very hard to actually put in place but that is for me to work on, very very hard.

Hi Pero

Thank you, I think I understand what you mean. I know the 'darker' side of his fantasies come when he is under extreme stress.

Thanks for the link, it would be great to get some thoughts on the issue. I don't know how I would share that with the rest of you tho?

Many thanks to all that have posted, its good to know I'm not going mad (well not any more than usual) and I'm not alone

Take care everyone

Don't worry about this Lynnemarie. In that part of board questions are sent to Doc and he makes threads with questions and answers. So after he post it it becomes available to all of us here at MS.
In that part of board all threads are like that (check it) and additionally threads are not open for our comments.
Cheers
Pero
PS: It is great to see you cheerful and happy Lynnemarie, keep your spirit high like that !