One step forward... ten steps back. I have come to male survivor and learned that being a survivor does not ever mean that the sense of loss and regret and the wish to somehow change things or start over ever really goes away. Forms pass and change, but spirit lingers, and that spirit of innocence lost and of continued cycles of loss triggered by those you work so hard to gain acceptance and love from continues to tear away at you. Each day lately, I have woken up with an even darker and deeper rooted sense of how to cope how to continue...How do you keep going? There is always going to be something out there that you just can't make sense of... but in the midst of that terror of the unknown, there is nothing else but to find that strength, that faith to keep living... to keep going - otherwise, they win.

well said--yes they would win if we give in. I also believe the supporters help us along the way and others who try to belittle or disparagingly taunt of our abuse are no better than the abuser--they like the abuser want to control us and more importantly want us to fail and their words and actions could push us over the edge to a place that we can never return from.

Yes, first we must want to live, not just live but live life and go forward and secondly, without someone or many others to cheer us on, our journey might be impossible. I salute the survivors who each day face the challenge and the supporters who make our journey possible.

"One step forward... ten steps back" This is worth saying again. Moving forward you sometimes feel like you are at a standstill but realize every positive step you take (big and small) is an important one in your healing. I am happy to hear your methods for coping are becoming more deeply rooted as this is indicative of good things to come.

As far as "making sense" of it the "why me?" and all that there is no definitive answer. Through no fault of our own you and I and millions of others were victimized and forced to survive on our own until the day when our healing truly began and we found each other (and our supporters as well). Just as you say, we must find the faith and strength to keep going because we deserve it.

*

Agree recovery and healing are not linear. I thought it would be, a bit analytic here--took me awhile to understand I would not always go from point A to point B and so on without regressing. I was all over the place--good days, bad days, a roller coaster of emotions--anger, hurt, denial, distrust, hating myself and so much more.

But I realized last night, I just returned from support and it was very helpful with the recent events of my life. It began when I walked in the door. But one comment hit--I knew at least one of them would need to find something negative about a person who was a wonderful supporter to me. The comment was you could not have met this person at McDonald's in the early morning...I did not even ask why because it was such a stupid comment--the goal was to get me going about the supporter so they could begin to disparage her. But I no longer fall into the trap-I have learned their happiness is based on belittling, making fun or hurting others while thinking how great they are. It made me sad for them--how trite life must be for them.

I could never have felt the emotions and also feel good about myself at the same time prior to beginning healing. So I now know I am valuing myself and not allowing the past to control me. You will have these moments that make you realize you are taking your life back. It cannot be planned, it takes work, support and your commitment to heal. Sounds like you want to heal--you are alive and have not allowed the past or others to push you over to take your life.

And as to "why me"--no answer but you were a child, and remember that. When my T would set up a scenario I could always say, but he/she was a child and it was not their fault. But for me, I could not accept it was not my fault, but why for others? I soon learned I had programmed myself from the time of the event to feel the guilt and shame. And I allowed others throughout life to push me down and bully me. It took time and boy was it hard--I remember the first session that I began to accept the abuse--I was a mess realizing my child needed to be released from the pain and shame. I began to release and the memories and pain followed. I wanted to give up, I would move forward and fall back, but my supporters kept me going. If I had relied on those around me, I would probably be dead--their words were hurtful and spiteful and I was abandoned. But I began to realize I allowed this treatment around me, because I was damaged from my childhood--the memories buried then out of control because of new torments and taunts. It is now my time to live and make those who supported me, proud and more importantly to be proud of myself. Here Fr.......you won the 45 year battle but not the war.

Kevin -

so true - everything you said - and such strength and wisdom in your realizations and responses to a challenging situation. Man - how far you have come - in just months!!!

great progress!
Lee

thanks Lee. Actually I have been at this for over 13 months now. It is a long journey, but once you see hope, feel support and can see yourself as a person and not the object of the abuse-the mind very slowly begins to accept the past and the heart begins to feel joy and happiness. With everything going on in my life I am committed to not go back to the dark and uncontrolled place. Early in the process I thought I was getting nowhere and thought about throwing in the towel--but everyone who supported me did not allow this to happen. I am so glad I did not give in--and to everyone here--you are worthy and do not let the perp/abuser hold you back--you deserve a good life and surround yourself with good people to help you on your journey.

"I have come to male survivor and learned that being a survivor does not ever mean that the sense of loss and regret and the wish to somehow change things or start over ever really goes away. "

To me it gets better to the point that this wish finally disappears. I don't want to change the past any more. The past is no longer relevant in that way. To change the past, I'd have to relive my whole life, and while that might be interesting, it isn't going to happen. And my life is good. It's filled with weird problems that arise out of the abuse. But they sure are interesting things to work with. And if I went back and changed everything, i'd still have problems to deal with, and I'd have to learn a whole new set of coping mechanisms for those new problems. Again, it might be interesting, but it wouldn't be better. It would just be different.

non-abused people do not have better lives than we do. They just have different problems they need to learn how to see.

I think the thing that has been most helpful to me in the "how do you keep going" zone is learning to enjoy working through the problems. I see life as an engineering process, where we get these things we get to work with, and our goal is optimizing the experience.

It's fascinating. Life is amazingly interesting.

We have all these chemical filters our minds create: despair, anger, frustration, fear, love, happiness. Eventually we start learning how to move from one filter to the next in going through the day. I started off today with the OCD bitterness filter because a friend had said something triggering. I had to manage it in order to get back on the track I wanted to be on, which was constructive getting ready for a trip.

The question, "how do i move from OCD bitterness to constructive thinking?" is really interesting when you stand above the frustration and manoeuvre it.

Sorry if this went too long to be useful. In short I just wanted to add this bit to the conversation: "continues to tear away at you" can stop being the ultimate feeling. For me the "tearing away" has resolved itself into "building block to an interesting day."

Danny

"I have come to male survivor and learned that being a survivor does not ever mean that the sense of
loss and regret and the wish to somehow change things or start over ever really goes away. "
To me it gets better to the point that this wish finally disappears. I don't want to change the past any
more. The past is no longer relevant in that way. To change the past, I'd have to relive my whole life,
and while that might be interesting, it isn't going to happen. And my life is good"

I think you really said it there Danny.

For me the process of recovery is a far more brutal and less dramatic one. It's not about hope, it's not about undoing what was done or trying to restore some worth to myself, it's simply a matter of moving forward through all the darkness and the scum and the shit until you eventually get to a point where there is less of it.

Hope happens sometimes, good days happen sometimes, bad days happen sometimes, but it's the moving forward that matters most, even when your standing still. and at the end the reward is simply being able to say, as you said Danny "my life is good" nothing more.

It's not that any of the bad stuff stops, that I expect to suddenly have everything I've ever wanted, it's simply that I can say that I enjoy living, and nothing more.

While I certainly agree everyone has problems abuse or not, one thing I have noticed is that those who have worked through the most terrible problems are stronger and wiser because of it, more able to cope with miner disappointments and upsets, and more able to empathize and understand others.

Is this greater understanding worth it? ---- hell no, but it's certainly there and will make quite a difference in the long run, especially to people who come into contact with a real surviver.

I've heard terry wait speak, and this was the thing that really struck me about him, as indeed it strikes me about a good few members from ms as well.

Survival.

If the moon blew up this morning and hit the other side, I'm sure I'd make it then knock over a few pharmacies for my medicine first, find an awesome truck, gas, guns and ammo then go find food.