Hey Phoenix,
I'm sorry that you gotten bored with healing, I can say that finding some love for yourself is great achievement. Maybe you should take some time for some other things. Healing could lead us to exposing and sharing some really difficult emotions but I guess under some expert guidance relief of pain and finding inner peace is final goal.
I don't know for others but when we are talking about friendships I just want to have someone to talk, to exchange some thoughts/problems and give some support. I have couple of friends and they are very inhomogeneous bunch of people. I never know when I first meet someone if that person would become my friend. It is not rational action. I guess it is like that whit every one of us.
Related to feelings, Anomalous has have some good points in some other thread (I can't recall which) about alexithymia and experience with learning to feel emotions but that is again psychology...
Please don't be too hard to yourself. You are good just as you are.
Be well!
Pero

"I'm not doing for others anymore unless I get help myself." Good. I appreciate your namesake given it's relevance to your situation. Based on what you have told me right now you are facing more than most would consider too be bearable. It is great to hear you will be taking care of #1 because, quite frankly, you need to take care of yourself before anyone else. Otherwise, you won't be happy and your potential to help others not truly met.

I am genuinely sorry to hear about your experiences with therapists and groups in the past, not to mention people in your life who would prefer you not talk about "unspeakable acts." You've heard it before I know. Trust me when I say there are good people out there willing to help. The thing about groups, including this site, is that disclosure/discussion is mutually beneficial. The idea is my writing this is therapeutic for me to the extent that I feel I've explored my feelings and it can be helpful to you in that it let's you know you are not alone in your feelings or perhaps it even provides insight into your own experiences. I've enjoyed both in my short time here.

However, I understand that is not enough to heal entirely. Aristotle was right we are "social beings" and as such require acceptance, appreciation, and most of all love in order to live happily. I encourage you to thoroughly research your local resources for any opportunity you might have to talk in person about your survival experiences. Keep using this site like life support until you find the in person support you desire.

The emotional disposition you described, or lack thereof, is one of many survival mechanisms children adopt in order to make it through ongoing traumatic experiences. I'm sure you knew that already. That is not the important part what is essential for you to know is that the brain is malleable. You and I can learn and unlearn throughout our entire lives even if it is much easier as child.

Now even though this is only internet support let me say this: your anger is justified. I'm pissed too. Even after recovery we will have "lost" years of our lives to the men/women who betrayed us. They rationalized their actions and repressed their guilt so well that I am right on board with you when I wish them ill will. I understand this is part of our recovery process and that the anger will eventually subside but as far as I am concerned abusers deserve the public punishment/humiliation and private suffering they receive.

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What you said above is exactly how I felt for years. Emotions do make us weak, but as I'm sure you know you have to open up and risk getting hurt to find a good relationship. I'm just starting to open up myself and reenter the world w/o being walled off emotionally.