Hi, My name is Liz and the love of my life is a Survivor of Rape. It happen on the eve of my birthday while I was at a birthday party given to me. The incident happen two yrs ago and the person who did this was someone we both knew and trust. Well to be total honest it was a best friend of mine. We just been through the courts and the guy got convicted and sentenced 35 yrs.

My love has not ever got counseling and I never got counseling. He much less and often does drink beer to help him cope. I on the other hand have not touch any kind of liquor or even celebrated my b-day since that night. Getting him to admit that we both need help with this is like leading a stubborn horse to water. Really there is no help for Male rape victims in our state. Our state country men and I have to say for my love to go through with all courts and stuff he is a real brave man and a hero in my eyes.

I just hope there is someone here that I can at least talk to because really i have no one else around me to talk too.

Hi Liz , welcome to Male survivor!
I'm sorry to hear about terrible experience of your fiance. Be aware that this is place to share you thoughts and get some support.
I just recently have found about many issues and problems that men abused as adults (here is used abbreviation ASA - assaulted as adults) have to cope with. Please consider to ask for some help for yourself if otherwise is not possible. We need assistance end support in dealing whit such traumatic events.
It is really hurtful to know that there are deficiency in resources and support for abused men. Your partneris really hero and you are too!
There is part of board particular for such brothers survivors, here is the link:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=80&page=1
And our friend Anomalus has done really great work in finding resources for men abused as adults, here is the link to his findings:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=391640#Post391640
Take some time and slowly get to know about other resources that are available to us here (like chat or moderated group chat sessions called Healing circle etc).
I hope that your partner would consider to come also here, it could be helpful for him.
Be well!
Pero

Good morning liz and welcome to MaleSurvivor. Your fiancé is a very fortunate man to have such a wonderful supporter as yourself.

I was married (39+ years ago) just over a year after I was raped and like your husband to be didn’t think I needed counseling either. I thought the incident was done and that the only damage to me was the physical and I’d healed from those injuries. Anyway this isn’t about my story rather it is about you and the “love of your life”.

As you read remember each man deals (or not deals) with their assaults differently. If something you read doesn’t fit then just tuck it away as good information – something you are just now more informed about. When you come across things said that mirror you experience then you’ve struck gold and it is time to mine it.

Sexual assault alters one’s direction and attitude in and about life in ways that may seem unimportant but are only red flags to deeper concerns. For instance you said that you have not celebrated your birthday for two years which to me is a bright flare shot high overhead lighting up the night’s sky bursting with signals that there is damage done that if not addressed now will begin to spread and infect other areas in your and your man’s life and relationships including the two of yours. I don’t want to be overly dramatic or try to sound like I know what will happen in your situation I can only speak to what went on in my life and between my wife and me. We are still happily married but it wasn’t easy and it wasn’t always happy. The rape dogged our relationship far longer than it would have if I’d only sought out help sooner. (It had to be on my terms no one could have led me to water)

It’s good to have you here and as Pero said there are many great forums and threads, be sure to check out the family forums if you haven’t already. I’m around if you need anything or have any specific questions, Earlybird

Liz

My hats off to you. You are truly a caring person--you found love and want it to work. However, he needs to address his past because the rape will tear at him internally until one day he can no longer bury it--with his mind, alcohol or some other mechanism. Have him seek out a qualified therapist--and I say qualified strongly--because there are those in the medical profession who think they know everything about medical issues but very few truly understand sexual abuse and trauma. I have lived it with those around me who have received incompetent advise. Also check to see if there are any support groups out there, have him come here--he can read and when ready join in. Every victim heals differently--but no one I have learned can truly heal alone. Protect him from those that torment, taunt or put down the abuse or disparagingly put down those that are helping him and you--they will only set him back and sometimes this is their goal.

You should also seek counseling to better understand his torment. I learned this from a supporter who spent time talking to professionals and reading about CSA and did not pass judgment. You are there for him,which is an important step for both of you. The family and friends forum here have wonderful supporters who are facing the challenges and issues that confront their spouse or significant other. They will truly be a help to you.

Best wishes, stay here and bring you future husband here.

Liz,
Welcome!
This is a place where I have found sympathetic listeners, people with my own history, people I identify with. I hope you find the same.

Geoff

Hi Liz,

Welcome to MS.

I am glad you have found this place of healing and support.

What happened to the man you love and, by extension, you, by someone you once trusted and called friend is a terrible betrayal of that trust. I am glad you were both able to endure the trial process.

As others have stated, you EACH need your own therapists. Preferably those trained to work with trauma. If they have experience working with sexual abuse, that is a bonus.

You may find the Consumers Guide to Therapist Shopping helpful as you interview potential therapists. Psychology Today has listings for all states and counties. You can choose the type of therapist you are seeking as well as the area(s) to which you are willng to travel. Also check your county rape crisis center. They offer services to males and females, at no cost to county residents. Some offer support groups in addition to individual therapy.

You cannot force your love to seek help, but you can stronly encourage him. If his behavior is getting out of control -- drinking to excess, verbal/ emotional abuse, etc., you must set limits on what you will and will not tolerate and there must be consequences for the behavior that you find intolerable. These are NOT threats. These are definitive, concrete steps you will take.

Hopefully he will choose to heal and grow with you, rather than apart from you.

Leave the name and the url for this site where he will see it, but do not push him to come here nor ask him if he has. Many guys take time before they come here. Some come and read, but never join or post. Some find the posts here too triggering and never come back. What he chooses to do with this information is up to him.

There are many books that you and he might find useful. I am not familiar with the books for those who love the one who was abused/ assualted. I am certain others here, espeically in the Friends and Family forum will be able to give you good suggestions.

Books you love might be interested in reading, and you might find them helpful as well are:

Male Rape: Breaking the Silence on the Last Taboo by Richie J. McMullen.

Male on Male Rape: The Hidden Toll of Stigma and Shame by Michael Scarce.

Victims No Longer by Mike Lew.


You may find the bookstore link helpful.

If the love of your life joins, he may find the moderated chats called Healing Circles helpful. They meet on Sunday and Wednesday evenings at 9pm eastern time and one on Tuesday at 19:00 UTC (European and African time zone). The Tuesday Healing Circle is expected to resume in September.

Both of you are also welcome to come into the lounge (chat room) for real time support. The lounge is open 24 hours a day, but it may not always be in use.

I hope the man you love will avail himself of the help here.


Again, welcome to MS.




Anomalous