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#398317 - 05/24/12 04:15 PM Re: Sex and Fantasies "Trigger Warning" [Re: peroperic2009]
lynnemarie Offline


Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 22
Thanks Preo

I have sent a message to Doc so hope something comes of it.

Wish you all the best in your jounery.

Take care

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#398321 - 05/24/12 04:45 PM Re: Sex and Fantasies "Trigger Warning" [Re: mmfan]
lynnemarie Offline


Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 22
Hi mmfan

Thank you, I know exactly what you mean by getting frustrated and feeling ill equipped.

Take care

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#398392 - 05/25/12 08:51 AM Re: Sex and Fantasies "Trigger Warning" [Re: lynnemarie]
Tomcruise Offline


Registered: 05/25/12
Posts: 1
[Content not related to topic]


Edited by ModTeam (05/27/12 11:17 AM)
Edit Reason: Spam

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#398395 - 05/25/12 09:33 AM Re: Sex and Fantasies "Trigger Warning" [Re: Julia]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Hi Julia,

Just read your post, and I want to thank you for it. Time gives perspective and yours is informing my decision on the course of action with my friend. Always learning with this stuff. Who knew trauma could make a person sooooo complex??!!

So thanks!

And from Lucylives:

"Disappointed, I don't understand why you invest so much time and effort and why you are jealous of us? U are not tied to this man, why invest so much time?"

I find this an odd attitude, an odd question. Well, let's see.... I'm not married, so I don't have to spend a lot of time on kids or a husband.... If I had been abused as a child and had never told anyone, and found it REally hard to form permanent relationships with members of the opposite sex, and I had multiple personalities from the trauma, it would really be great if someone would show compassion to me, and have patience with me, and try to get to know me, while I floundered around, trying to function...

It's called "compassion." Maybe you've heard of it?

It doesn't hurt that he's further along in many ways than some men. I mean, he's winning the battle against alcohol and drugs, he's financially very successful, and is basically a reliable man. Not to say he doesn't have major issues, but he relentlessly struggles against these overwhelming challenges. Got to admire a man like that. Got to.

And why do I envy y'all? Very simple: Your men choose to spend the major portion of their time with you. My friend only wants to talk on the phone with me. If I had my choice, I'd rather be the one he spends his time with, and someone else talking to him on the phone. But I don't get to choose. I really like him. I'd much prefer to have dinner with him.

D.
_________________________
Female.

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#398404 - 05/25/12 04:35 PM Re: Sex and Fantasies "Trigger Warning" [Re: lynnemarie]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
Thanks for explaining compassion, Disappointed. I wasn't sure what it meant but I do know what having compassion for myself is and that is not putting myself in situations that cause me so much pain and harm or damage my self esteem or with people who do not give me the kind of relationship i want and deserve. I deserve more than just a husband who chooses to spend the major portion of his time with me. I want all of him or none of him!!!! I will not settle for second best.

I will say I am one of the lucky ones. My husband is working very hard on his issues. I don't expect him to be perfect (except with truth and fidelity, there is no room for error) but to be working hard towards his recovery. We are getting better everyday but it is so FRICKING PAINFUL to live with this day in and day out.

Why does he only want to talk on the phone? And please don't say even in jest that you want to be the one he is having dinner with and him TALKING TO SOMEONE ELSE on the phone. You deserve better than that. We all do. If and when he is truly your man, you better hope he isn't talking to someone on the phone and sharing like that. That would be very painful. U deserve more.

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#398407 - 05/25/12 05:29 PM Re: Sex and Fantasies "Trigger Warning" [Re: lynnemarie]
LouLou Offline


Registered: 04/20/12
Posts: 35
I'll give my two-pence worth. My husband is my husband, however at times he feels like just my friend. It's painful and i wish i could go out to dinner with him and feel whole...but i can't. There are no competitions here. WE ARE ALL IN THIS SHIT TOGETHER, husbands, boyfriends or friends. It really doesn't matter. When you love someone who seems to know nothing other than to sacrifice anything that really should be important, then you know something is wrong.

I don't know the answers, hell, if i did, i could work out my own life!

I came here to unite, not to fight. We all deserve more...xx

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#398423 - 05/25/12 09:27 PM Re: Sex and Fantasies "Trigger Warning" [Re: lynnemarie]
Julia Offline


Registered: 11/05/08
Posts: 59
Lynnemarie,

I had that same feeling, that he was attempting to shape me into someone else. And not just through sex or fantasies but I started to pick things apart, watching what I said or making sure I kept the peace somehow.... I started to try reading him while I noticed him reading me. That is where our failing started. I got caught up in trying to understand where my boyfriend was coming from. I was more tollerant of what I shouldn't have been. I got lost in pleasing the unpleasable.....

I use to tell him that it was like he had this big Bob Barker wheel in his head and he spun it everyday but it always landed on something different.

Until your guy figures things out... who he is, what he likes, what he dosen't... how could either one of you know? That is why it is so important for you to remain true to yourself. Sometimes men who were sexually abused go to therapy, they slowly start to become the men they were meant to be. Maybe why some of these men reevaluate the relationships in their lives, why some even choose to end their relationships with significant others. And wouldn't that be something if you changed for him and when he got well he saw you as the broken one? I know you know this, sometimes it helps hearing it validated by someone else.

When my hair started to fall out..... yeah, it started falling out..... I started to take better care of myself. My ex saw my reluctance to continue the crazy as me being selfish and neglecting him (I didn't know he felt that at the time) he lied and said he understood. But behind my back he hooked up with someone who would partake in his fantasies. I found out and we were both devastated, my heart was broken and he was so ashamed. He told me that he was trying to keep me out of that mess, that he knew I was too good for it.

I guess you can say I've been both women. I was the secret he kept from most of his family, his friends, his children. And when we finally became a couple, when we were engaged and living together..... when we were a family..... That is when I got too close and he had a new phone friend. A f**k buddy. I called the woman. We weren't on the phone for 5 minutes when I realized it didn't even matter. I couldn't hate her. During our relationship when I found him on dating websites, or caught him cheating, I'd ask him why he would hurt me, what happened to the man I knew? He would respond, "Don't you think I want to be that man for you? I don't know why I do this. I hurt everyone I love and then they hurt me. This is why I was afraid to commit". Walkingsouth once told me that, "acting out can take some strange turns. In the end it all becomes ugly. Everything and everybody, especially oneself". I got out after that.

For my friend, he got tired of the ugly. He started therapy and he is slowly coming to be the man he was meant to be. My whole life, I have never been more proud of anyone like I am of him.

Remain true to yourself. Your friend will sink or swim, there is only so much you can do while he isn't actively seeking help. Expecting more from him is like waiting for a man with no hands to do a cartwheel... it just ain't going to happen. I find most women can't give themselves sexually to a man and not develop strong feelings for him. That is why I suggested not having sex. Take care of you first, always.

Love,
Julia

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#398426 - 05/25/12 09:48 PM Re: Sex and Fantasies "Trigger Warning" [Re: lynnemarie]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
I wish this thing had a "like" button. Perfection Julia. Perfection.
_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#398448 - 05/26/12 04:18 AM Re: Sex and Fantasies "Trigger Warning" [Re: LouLou]
lynnemarie Offline


Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 22
Hi LouLou

You are absolutely right it doesn't matter what kind of relationship we are in we are all here for the same reason. This has been enough of a heated topic already and think we're all losing sight of why we came here in the first place.

Hi lucylives

There are many different types of relationships, what works for one may be alien to someone else. When some one says "your not married so you don't have as much to invest" kinda sticks in the throat a little. If you are happy and secure in the type of relationship you choose then who is anyone to judge, but I do find that the ones who aren't secure tend to be the most defensive (did I just say that? lol)

Dissapointed,

You have every right not to be judge, it is your life to lead as you want. I admire your compassion and loyalty. You man sounds like he is working hard on himself. But dissappointed, I have heard about him and his achievements, tell me something about yours, what it is you want.
i have to agree with lucylives, you do NOT want the roles reversed, alot of ladies are here because they have built a live with their partners and they have confided in someone else, I'm not in that position so can only imagine how much that would hurt.
Finally, you are wrong, you always have a choice in everything you do, what to have for breakfast, what to wear before you leave the house, who you speak to, what you do. You always have a choice in the decisions you make XX
(Again, did I say that grin)


Edited by lynnemarie (05/26/12 07:01 AM)

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#398449 - 05/26/12 04:53 AM Re: Sex and Fantasies "Trigger Warning" [Re: Julia]
lynnemarie Offline


Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 22
Hi Julia

Thank you I can relate to everything you are saying.

Most of are arguements are about how I don't understand what he wants from me, but when I ask him he has no answer.

I know with his first wife it was just them and their children, a perfect loving family life. With his second wife it was the complete opposite. She was very adventreous sexually. He seems caught between the two. Your analogy of the Bob Barker wheel is spot on.
And you are right if I give in to what he persives he wants he will view me as broken and no longer want me, I have know this for a while but your right sometimes you need it validated by someone else.
I think one of the reasons he keeps me secret is beacuse I know him and all the dark places he has been, he keeps me sperate so I don't 'infect?' the image he has built for himself. Another is he to believes he hurts everyne he loves and they hurt him so won't let me get to close, but I'm just guessing.
I know i have to take better care of myself, it is emotionally draining to think through every situation and conversation you have with someone and it is taking it's toll.
Take care

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