If you want to put a label on us it would have to be described by almost everyone as 'f**k buddy, so now please tell me how I can be his buddy.
Ohhhhhh! I apologize for having misunderstood. I was of the impression that this was someone you loved and wanted to have a relationship- maybe marriage with. F*** Buddies I understand! I have my doctorate in F*** Buddies because my husband had some! I can help you with this!
F*** Buddy is synonomous with Blow Up Doll and Vibrator. A prostitute could be referred to as a F*** Buddy. To be a good F*** Buddy, you don't even need to BE there- just leave your sex organs on the bed and go do your laundry. You won't be missed so long as you leave behind the only part of you that matters to your F*** Buddy!
My husband had a couple F*** Buddies whom he paid big dollars in return for the f*** (What is it that you're getting from your F*** Buddy?).
As a survivor of CSA, my husband was short-circuited in his emotional and sexual maturity. Like your guy, he wanted to feel "empowered". He'd hidden dysfunction for so long that it was bubbling to the top- trying to overtake his "other life", the one I lived in. In the trauma survivor world, this is called "acting out" and "numbing".
The F*** Buddy who f***ed him the best was the one he kept for 1-1/2 years, and was actually a member of my family. Like your guy is doing, he kept her and their relationship hidden. Like you and your guy, he communicated with her via text and stolen hours at a hotel, or in her bedroom when I was sound asleep, or in his car during his lunch hour at work, etc. He even faked a "hunting trip" to get a F*** from her.
As he sunk deeper and deeper into his acting out (what I am certain your guy is doing with you), he became enslaved to vodka, which anesthesized his conscience enough to allow him to continue on with his secret life, which kept him busy enough to avoid the real issue of his CSA.
Like you, his F*** Buddy was the only human being he'd ever told of his abuse, which occured as a teenager who was homeless and prostituted. Why on earth would he have told her and not his own wife? Or a counselor? Or a clergyman? Or a friend? Or his parents? Because with her, he had no fear of hiding the secrets he'd carried silently due to his misplaced shame. He could tell her about his dark side because she was just as sick as he was. She'd been abused as a child, was completely confused about her sexuality, had absolutely no boundaries, and had learned that sex was for getting things she wanted. It wasn't "making love". It was a F***.
She SAW him dying before her eyes. She KNEW he was drinking daily and had stopped eating. She KNEW he'd begun to supplement her with paid prostitutes and KNEW that he could give me- her son's grandmother- disease, maybe death. But what she wanted was more important than his well-being or hers. And to my husband, what he wanted was more important than her well-being or his.
LM, if I knew someone was mentally unhealthy, I would not engage in mind games with them. I wouldn't provoke them. I would know better. If I knew someone was physically unhealthy, I would not allow them to ignore their health by not getting medical attention. If I knew someone was sexually unhealthy, as you know your guy is, I WOULD NOT ENGAGE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY WITH THEM. I would know better, and you must know better, too.
My husband's F*** Buddies were fine with remaining in that role as they reaped rewards from it. They could not help him because they were as sick and/or selfish as he was. If you remain in the role of F*** Buddy, you are no more helpful than a junkie exclaiming how much they want to help another junkie stop using the drugs they're giving him.
You can't cure this guy. You, nor any supporter on this site can. Only a trained professional can help him- IF he wants the help, and you've not indicated he has that desire to heal- only to act out. You can stick a gold star on his head every time he tells you of a fantasy or hides from you for a month, but you are ONLY exacerbating the problem and are increasing his shame and self-loathing.
What you can do to steer him to get help is to respond to his texts with "www.malesurvivor.org". Period. If you want to help this guy, give him a list of CSA-trained counselors and keep your panties on. If you want to help this guy, help yourself because something inside of you is preventing you from seeing your worth AND his.
Or, you can remain his F*** Buddy. But if that's what you choose, you're right, you're in the wrong place. I'm sure there is a plethora of websites that can condition you to not be bothered by being used for sex.
BTW, I disagree with Lucy. I'm not so sure this guy isn't already married, but if he's not, I'll bet my arse he's in a committed relationship with a woman whom he knows would NEVER settle for what you're getting.
The best of luck to you-