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#398004 - 05/22/12 02:11 AM Sex and Fantasies "Trigger Warning"
lynnemarie Offline


Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 22
Hi, I will apologise if I upset anyone but I need some help.

When I first met my boyfriend/friend I knew he was highly sexual, it was very important to him. I'm a shy person and he was pretty full on and in the begining it was all very exciting. He liked to talk about sex and tell me stories and I played along. Sometimes he would get annoyed with me when I wasn't imaginative enough, it made no sense.

Then he told me about his past, about the abuse by a female babysitter. After he told me it kinda clicked that he had been building up to tellig me for awhile, gaging my reaction based on the stories he text me.

A couple of months after he disclosed one night after sex he bolted, gone before I could follow him. He text me the next day to tell me he imagined I was his little sister as we made love and it really turned him on. I didn't reply right away and he panicked asked if I thought he was disgusting, I said no I didn't think he was disgusting I was just taking my time with it and I loved him. He started to open up abit more about his turn ons after that. He wanted to watch porn with me about taboo subjects, I said I would but under one condition it was always between consenting adults. Bam!! He didn't speak to me for a month, completely closed down and has never spoke about anything like that since.

We have come back together after a break of a couple of months. He got very sexual and things got very heated. After several text he asked me to call him daddy during sex, said it would turn him on and make him feel powerful.

I suppose my question is how do I cope with these kind of fantasies. I don't want him to feel that he is disgusting for his thoughts. It must have taken a great deal of courage to tell me all those months ago about the thoughts running through his head while we were together. How do I cope with it now. I have no problem with making him feel empowered but I'm worried that I might do more harm than good. How do I deal with them without upsetting him, judging him.

How do survivors deal with fantasies, are you able to tell your spouse about them, do you work through them, does it help that your spouse is there to listen to them?

And to partners, how have/would you cope if your spouse wanted to act out fantasies with you?

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#398020 - 05/22/12 06:49 AM Re: Sex and Fantasies "Trigger Warning" [Re: lynnemarie]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Lynmarie.

My first question is this. Is your boyfriend in therapy for his sexual abuse??
Secondly I want to ask you a question. How do his strange sexual habits make you feel. Are you keen to participate or do they make you feel bad.

Now the important thing is are you prepared to make sacrifices for the rest of your relationship?
Are you prepared to change your life and standards for someone that you think you love, and I say think because you don't know who this man is.
He is slowly changing you into what he wants you to be, pushing the boundaries a little further each time. When you put your foot down and say no, he has a fit and runs away.

He is slowly shaping you into what he wants and trust me that YOU don't want that in your life.
You Need to decide who it is that you are, who you want to be, and what you want out of this life, then you need to see whether he fits into YOUR life and YOUR wants, and then decide whether YOU want him.
Don't be doing things to make him feel better or hopefully make him love you, you can never predict the outcome of such a relationship. What you can control is you and what you want.

Don't sell your soul.

I know my words may be tough, but healing from a emotionally abusive relationship is even more difficult and painful.

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#398021 - 05/22/12 06:52 AM Re: Sex and Fantasies "Trigger Warning" [Re: lynnemarie]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Hi LynnMarie,

I am here because I have a friend abused as a child. In my limited experience with him over 3 years, you are fortunate. My friend compartmentalizes himself. He dates girls & marries them, never telling them what he's dealing with, then they tire of his behavior and divorce him. He's been divorced a few times.

With me, on the other hand, very slowly, he's revealed what's going on in his head, such as you describe. However, in these years he's only met with me a handful of times. So you are right, this is difficult.

It's VERY important not to shame him, or tell him he's deviant. VERY. As long as he respects your limitation on consenting adults, if you can work with him on these things, that would be great. Calling him "daddy" sounds pretty harmless to me. If it progressed to him wanting to physically abuse you, that's a whole different unacceptable thing.

I remember a post a year or two ago, where a wife's husband wanted her to dominate him in the bedroom and she did. It took some getting used to, but she did it, and they had some fun with it, even used some toys. I don't know where that post is, though.

I count you as very lucky and envy you.

Best wishes,
D.
_________________________
Female.

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#398031 - 05/22/12 08:24 AM Re: Sex and Fantasies "Trigger Warning" [Re: lynnemarie]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 681
Loc: NJ
I am a spouse that was slowly, unnoticeably pushed until I woke up one morning with a life I was not proud of.

For you to write this great post, it bothers you.

Take NOTICE when things bother you and don't let them go. Have boundaries. You must live a life YOU are proud of.

You don't have to shame anyone when you state clearly what you want, what you like, what you expect. He can have your support, your love - but he can't have your comfort or your limits. Those are yours.

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#398057 - 05/22/12 12:04 PM Re: Sex and Fantasies "Trigger Warning" [Re: lynnemarie]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Quote:
A couple of months after he disclosed one night after sex he bolted, gone before I could follow him. He text me the next day to tell me he imagined I was his little sister as we made love and it really turned him on. I didn't reply right away and he panicked asked if I thought he was disgusting, I said no I didn't think he was disgusting I was just taking my time with it and I loved him. He started to open up abit more about his turn ons after that. He wanted to watch porn with me about taboo subjects, I said I would but under one condition it was always between consenting adults. Bam!! He didn't speak to me for a month, completely closed down and has never spoke about anything like that since.


LM-

You are confusing "making love" with being objectified. You might think you two are making love, but you are most certainly not being made love to. Your boyfriend/friend (which is he, exactly?) is displaying crystal clear signs of a serious sexual disorder. It's hard to say if he's suffering from a sexual addiction because your relationship mainly consists of texting each other and... sex.

I may have hail and brimstone rained down on me for this, but it is NOT NORMAL for a sexually healthy male to fantasize about his little sister when having sex. I'm scared to even ask how old is his little sister. Perhaps my mainstream sexuality has created some prudishness, but his proclivities ARE disgusting, and I'm freaking out that you don't recognize that.

Porn. Okay, so what about watching porn together is enriching your intimacy? What about insisting on watching porn that only features two consenting adults (whatever that is) is so repulsive to him that he'd not speak to you for a month? And why on earth would you open the door again for him after such treatment?

It's loving and appropriate to not shame a survivor for having been the victim of abuse. It is quite another thing to pat a survivor on the head for not getting help in sorting out his short-circuited emotional and sexual development. You are not helping him by coddling him in this. You are not helping him by "loving him" (what exactly do you love about this guy who hides you from others and runs from you?) Most importantly, you are not helping yourself by spending your energy looking to learn how to be a successful tool for another's masturbation.

The way you are allowing yourself to be treated is at best abusive, at worst psychotic. No one is winning here!

I'm not sure what you've read here at MS, but survivors don't typically become abusers. Those who have become abusers are dealt with as is appropriate for the safety and well-being of those in and around his life. Their dysfuction is NOT supported; their healing IS.

You are only capable of helping your own self, which I beg of you to do. Please stop trying to become whatever this man's fantasies dictate. Please see a counselor and/or join a support group to help you understand why you are so grossly devaluing your worth.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh. I just have no patience with those who use male survivors as a mask for sexual perversion and dysfuction, deciet and abuse. That is a monsterous distortion of what it means to be a survivor.

Sending you prayers for insight and wisdom-
herowannabe

P.S. You are NOT one of the lucky ones. There is nothing good about your situation. Supporters are those whose survivors are working toward their recovery with us by their sides. We support by drawing the line in the sand, by setting firm boundaries that will NOT be crossed. We who consider ourselves lucky are those who are no longer victims of fall out from our survivor's trauma. This calls for taking off the rose-colored glasses we all wore and pulling up our big girl panties. In accomplishing this, we no longer lower our standards for our beloved, we raise our standards and help our loved one climb up to them. There's no "luck" involved in the process.


Edited by herowannabe (05/22/12 12:14 PM)
Edit Reason: typos
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#398070 - 05/22/12 01:29 PM Re: Sex and Fantasies "Trigger Warning" [Re: herowannabe]
lynnemarie Offline


Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 22
Herowannabe

I think you have totally misread my post or maybe I haven't explained myself properly. That night he told me about imagining his little sister, it freaked him out which is why he bolted. I would never, never "roleplay" that fantasy!! I had no idea at the time. He didn't ever have to tell me about it but he did. He didn't stop talking to me about the porn because he was disguted with me, it was because he thought I was disgusted with him. This all happened a year ago, he has started to open up again and that is the reason i have posted this, how do I handle his fantasies, his dreams without labelling him.

I'm not sure what you've read here at MS, but survivors don't typically become abusers.

Where on earth have you got this idea from? This is the reason he doesn't talk about what happened to him and the thoughts he has. I know (and it is my own fault) that I have posted about the bad parts of our friendship/relationship ( I don't know, you tell me? that is why I joined here.)

I may have hail and brimstone rained down on me for this, but it is NOT NORMAL for a sexually healthy male to fantasize about his little sister when having sex. I'm scared to even ask how old is his little sister. Perhaps my mainstream sexuality has created some prudishness, but his proclivities ARE disgusting, and I'm freaking out that you don't recognize that.

I have not said, nor has anyone else that he is a sexually healthy male, of course he isn't! As you said he is sending crystal clear signs. And he doesn't have a 'little sister'! His story is for him to tell but I know he was abused by babysitters who he later found out where sister and brother thats where i believe the incesteous element comes in.

P.S. You are NOT one of the lucky ones. There is nothing good about your situation. Supporters are those whose survivors are working toward their recovery with us by their sides. We support by drawing the line in the sand, by setting firm boundaries that will NOT be crossed. We who consider ourselves lucky are those who are no longer victims of fall out from our survivor's trauma. This calls for taking off the rose-colored glasses we all wore and pulling up our big girl panties. In accomplishing this, we no longer lower our standards for our beloved, we raise our standards and help our loved one climb up to them. There's no "luck" involved in the process.

I never said I was lucky, I am most certainly not. He kept this all inside for 30 years and i had to meet him as this all came to the surface. If you want to put a label on us it would have to be described by almost everyone as 'f**k buddy, so now please tell me how I can be his buddy.

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#398071 - 05/22/12 01:39 PM Re: Sex and Fantasies "Trigger Warning" [Re: lynnemarie]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 359
Hi Lynne,
I have read several of your posts about your friend. I, like many wives on here, have been thrown into some incredibly painful situations with our husbands but they are our HUSBANDS and we have alot invested in our lives with them. I would never want to sound judgmentsal because i certainly wouldn't want anyone judging me about staying in a relationship with someone who has done the things he has done but WHY ARE YOU IN THIS RELATIONSHIP? You are settling for crumbs! You deserve better.

A relationship based on texts? WTF? That isn't a relationship. Let me tell you, if I knew as much as you do now before I got married, I wouldn't have gotten married. I would have run for the hills. I deserve a man who is present and healthy and so do you.

keeping you from his friends and family? If someone did that to me, I would suspect that they are married. I am sure he isn't but that is a huge red flag.

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't invest too much time into figuring any of this crap out. I am trying not to invest too much time into the why"s of my husband's behaviour but investing in the why and how's of my attitudes and dysfunction which led me to marrying someone so sick (though it was all hidden from me). There is something about me that made me miss all the red flags. My goal is to figure out why and how this happened.

Disappointed, I don't understand why you invest so much time and effort and why you are jealous of us? U are not tied to this man, why invest so much time?

My husband, too, had some fantasies like the ones described. I am a very sexually openminded person but that is just something I had to say no too. It would make me feel weird. I won't do anything that makes me feel creepy but that is just me.

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#398073 - 05/22/12 02:48 PM Re: Sex and Fantasies "Trigger Warning" [Re: lucylives]
lynnemarie Offline


Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 22
Hi lucylives

I understand, we are not married, have no children together no reason to invest in this relationship/friendship what ever you want to label it. I admire the strenght you wife's must have for your husbands. You could walk away anytime, same as me.

As previously stated I would never knowing indulge in his incesteous fantasies because that would be wrong, I have asked for help into how I cope with them.
Maybe this is not the place for me.

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#398074 - 05/22/12 02:51 PM Re: Sex and Fantasies "Trigger Warning" [Re: lynnemarie]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Lynnmarie,
I want to state that my husband as a result of his abuse has disturbing fantasies, for example more recently, he is one of his abusers. It wrecks havoc on our sex life. Having sex with your little sister is disturbing and denying that is not helping anyone. I think it's great you are trying to be understanding but don't avoid the hard true facts. He needs to go to therapy so he can gain the skills to deal with this fantasies. If you were my sister I would tell you to run for the hills. Only you can make that decision but Esposa is right Don't overlook your gut feelings.

Good Luck!


Edited by Gretta (05/22/12 02:53 PM)

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#398075 - 05/22/12 02:56 PM Re: Sex and Fantasies "Trigger Warning" [Re: lynnemarie]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
You need to listen, be kind and be honest. BUT He needs therapy and needs to show a willingness to change. That is all we can ask for with our survivor men. Anything short of that is not fair to your relationship and you should run.

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