How many times can you listen to the man you love tell you he never believed you loved him, despite having spent years turning yourself inside out to prove it? When is it time to give up?

rmazik-

IMHO, until your beloved gets help for his obvious depression (is he on antidepressants?) and therapeutic help in overcoming the damage done by the CSA, you both will continue to communicate in different languages. Until he's helped, he will not comprehend a word you say. Not a single word.

As the wife of a survivor, I was floored to hear my husband explain part of his rationale for sexually acting out was because he felt I didn't love him and was just using him. HUH??? Por Favor? Come Again? After ten years of marriage and nursing him through colorectal cancer, which included the removal of his intestines, not to mention a plethora of other instances of my love and devotion, he felt I didn't love him???? That I was using HIM???? WHAAAAT???

Simply put, there are NO words or actions you can take to convince him of your love because he is deaf, dumb and blind to the intentions of any single person on the planet. He has to get help.

Being you aren't married, you may not be able to get that ball rolling. Does he have family you can turn to for assistance? Can you call his medical doctor? Can you print out some of what you've read here on MS for him to read? Can you contact the hospital that cared for him after his suicide attempt?

If, in spite of your best efforts, you can't motivate him to get help, you need to just stay firm in the resolve you indicated in your first post.

Please remember you have children who need every inch of you. A victim of CSA who won't agree to help is a man hell bent on drowning. You do not have the training or the equipment to rescue him. To continue on as you've been will only cause you to be pulled under with him. Literally. I'm not a member of this board for sh*ts and grins. I'm surviving a near drowning myself. I'm ONLY here because my husband got and continues to recieve help (therapy, antidepressants, support on this site, etc.).

When is it time to give up? You already know.

(((rmazik)))

Sending you compassion, comfort and strength-
herowannabe

(((((rmazik)))))

If he's trying like hell to get fixed, give it time. Reverse the role and it was you telling him that, would you want him to stay if you were trying like hell to get well? If he's not trying to fix himself, nothing wrong with an ultimatum for him to get help or else. Doesn't do it, you did your best then you have to think of you and your kids. Always put the kids first. Kids didn't ask to be there.

Hi Rmazik

I am so sorry that you are in this position.

The question should rather be "How much longer are you prepared to deal with this or be treated this way".
One mistake I find that most supporters make is that they base their lives on the well-being of there spouses. Your life is precious, you are valuable.

Your husbands healing will be his own, if he has chosen to heal. If he has not, then it might be an idea for you to leave. This action might wake him up and make him choose to go to therapy.

The most important factor in all of this is you. You are not responsible for his well being, you are however responsible for your own. If you are asking questions about how long etc then you are in doubt about things and you are starting to question and look for solutions.
You cannot control what he does, but you can control what you do. So take control of the things that you can control and stop worrying about the rest.
If your husband is treating you badly, and you have no self love and self esteem, then it is time for you to take your life back.

When I was in this position as a survivor abusing my wife of 20 years, it was her resolve to no longer put up with my crap that made me work things out. The abuse that I put her through was horrendous, and I look back on this with dread, but the main thing is that I now value and appreciate her.
I pray that you take your life back, and that you start to look out for yourself.
There is a book called co dependent no more, it is a great book so get it for yourself and read it. Get yourself into either an al anon group or a co dependants support group or even a survivors spouse support group.

Most important is that you look out for you.
Feel free to PM me any-time.

Heal well
Martin

We have been living apart for almost three weeks. For the past two weeks we have been communicating very well much of the time, and have even spent some good time together talking and forgiving and healing past hurts. He realized so much of his behavior now, and that he has triggers, and that when triggered, his "inner child" projects what looks like anger to keep people away that have hurt him. He found what seems to be a very good therapist who specializes in PTSD, and does EMDR and such. He had his first appointment today.

Saturday night he was very triggered and his inner child ran rampant over me, saying horrible things like I never loved him, and totally dismissing all the times I have been there to comfort and support him as he realized his trauma is at the core of his issues. He had begun to do the healing work in baby steps, but there were many outside stressors, including his extremely tenuous financial situation, (he is disabled and on a very small income), he wanted me to agree to live with him again, basically immediately, but I have children to consider, and our split meant we had to move in with a friend in a different area and school district, so I was being careful not to further disrupt their lives.

The conversation on Saturday night was very painful for me, and while I DO understand it is his "inner child" or what I refer to as his "trauma personality" saying those awful things to me, I was very hurt and so, when yesterday, he wanted to come see me and apologize, I told him I needed time, and was not wanting to see him.

Last night he tried to kill himself. He didn't intend to fail. He had sent me a goodbye text, and one to a mutual friend, and I got the sense that this was different than all the other talk about suicide due to him deleting his Facebook account.

I called his cell to see if it was on, thinking that if he really meant to kill himself, he would have turned it off, but he hadn't. He answered the phone, I asked him where he was and what was going on. He told me he had cut his throat. I signaled to my friend to call 911, and for whatever reason, he missed his carotid, and was still alive and on the phone when Police and EMS got to him.

The wound was severe enough, he was stabilized at the local hospital, then transferred to the nearest trauma center which is 80 miles away.

I have no car. The friend I live with thinks I should cut off contact, and has been concerned when I started talking to him again, after I had stated initially that I was not going to see him again. My friend thinks that I'm suffering from abused woman syndrome or something.

I'm not sure what happens next. I know he will be in the psych ward, but he is on probation for a misdemeanor, and I don't know if this means he'll wind up in jail or what.

Just needed someone to tell.

I still love him. I have to take care of myself and my children.

Ohhhhhhh wow....

This is so much more than you (or any non-professional) can help with. I feel much compassion for him, but he is getting help right now; my worry is for you and your kids.

I beg you to stay the course. I worry that he will be released and you will move in with him out of a misplaced sense of guilt or a twisted sense of responsibility for his well-being. Please, please be there for him from a distance!!! Please imagine the advice you'd give your daughter if she were in your position, and then act on that advice. Listen to your friend who is concerned for what you will do.

Are you able to secure some counseling for yourself? Can you locate a support group to join? A Co-Dependent's support group would be great, but the 12-step principles apply across the board, so even Al-Anon would help somewhat. Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More" would be a good read for you, as would "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. You might Google "love addiction", too. If none of that sounds interesting, then please take up a hobby that will occupy your thoughts, which are now consumed by thoughts of this man.

I hope this doesn't sound insensitive to you. I don't mean it to sound such, but I am most concerned for you!

I'm sorry for your heavy heart-
herowannabe

Thank you, herowannabe. I DO know that my focus should be on my own healing, and on what is best for my children. It's just obviously, a very difficult time. I don't have health insurance at the moment. Waiting to hear if/when my medicaid application is approved. Trying to figure out what is the best choice for me and my children one moment at a time, and so hard to be in love with someone so hurt and damaged. He is so worth loving, but I know it far more than he does. I am not ready to just let him go IF he continues on his healing path. We have a very long history that I haven't shared. We first met as young teens...I DO want to support him, but it is hard knowing that what I feel OK about giving and what he thinks he needs are far apart. He believes that I am his only reason to live. What an unfair burden! I really hope he will get the help he so desperately needs, though I have little confidence in the system.

All well and good, but please take this time for yourself. While he is healing, please find a support group- they are free, so health insurance/Medicaid won't be an issue.

I don't know you, but your friend does. If he/she is concerned for you and feels you have some type of trauma that is preventing you from working through this in a healthy way, then I'm on your friend's side. Please do investigate those possibilities. You will be better for your efforts. And so will your beloved.

You can do this! Stay strong!
herowannabe

Well, besides that I live in the middle of nowhere, and have no car, my friend is not really a very close friend, and is also nearly 20 years younger than I am.