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#39762 - 12/01/03 11:52 PM Too Much
FlyWM Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Michigan
I feel like I am losing my mind, my friendships keep ending up with some kind of alienation, and that hurts. Everything that is going on is just so much right now, I am so scared, and hurt, I have thought about suicide, and that scares me even more, I am considering if it doesn't get a little better, admitting myself to a local place, to help smooth out meds and more intense therapy for awhile, everything is just so much. I miss my friends, they won't even talk to me anymore. Havig so many flashbacks and hallucinations, and losing so much time it is frightening, I just don't know what to do or think, or if it's even worth it anymore, all I have gotten for surviving is more pain, I just don't know anymore, I am so scared and hurt, and want that to end for awhile, hate these feelings. I'm sorry about posting this.

scott

_________________________
Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible in not a declaration, it's a dare.

--Adidas

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#39763 - 12/02/03 12:33 AM Re: Too Much
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Scott,

Hang in there. And please get those thoughts of suicide out of your mind. Didn't your body tell you this wasn't the right thing to do, just a couple of weeks ago.

Although I cannot fully understand the anxiety that you are going through, it will get better. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but it will get better. It isn't fair that one of your perps got out of jail and now is being afforded more opportunity than you. But you have something that he doesn't. Freedom of guilt of what he and the others did.

Have you spoke with your pdoc and T about how you are feeling? Please do, let the help you get through this tough moment in your life. Because that is all it is, a moment in the whole life that you have ahead of you.

Take care my brother,
Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#39764 - 12/02/03 09:54 AM Re: Too Much
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Scott,

Listen to Bill. You will get through this and you will feel better. I've seen in a lot of places the idea that recovery is a process that gets worse before it gets better. Maybe you're seeing the "gets worse" part right now, but don't forget that it does get better.

Hang in there.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#39765 - 12/02/03 11:29 AM Re: Too Much
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
Hi Scott, to paraphrase an old adage. anything worth having is worth fighting for. Your peace of mind, your self worth, your life, your family, your friends are all in this category. But, you alone stand at the top of the pile, your happiness and life taking priority over anything and everyone else. Keep on battling Scott. It will come together. It may take time, and it may not be on your schedule, but it will happen. Keep posting and leave no stone unturned in your determination towards recovery. Peace, Andrew

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

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#39766 - 12/02/03 12:04 PM Re: Too Much
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Scott listen to your brothers. They are all with you in this and you are not alone amymore.

Quote:
I am so scared, and hurt, I have thought about suicide, and that scares me even more,
Scott do not go there ok. I tried it several times and it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Those bastards that did what they did to us would really win then. We will keep our moths shut forever and I cannot believe that any of us want that. We deserve a better life here and by god we are going to get it.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#39767 - 12/02/03 02:39 PM Re: Too Much
bountiful1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/03
Posts: 52
Loc: New York, New York, USA
You don't ever need to apologize for posting anything you need to post here. This is a safe place for you to post everything. I am glad that you have posted this here. To me it means that you are questioning exactly what you are saying. By putting it outside of yourself, you are placing it away from you - even a little bit.

Listen to your brothers here! I have days like that too. They will and they do pass! That you are expressing it outside of yourself is a huge first step to lifting the feelings. Express it here. I for one am honored to listen to any truth someone has to speak to.

Your feelings are a respone to horrifying circumstances that were out of your control. The feelings are justified and truthful. You are not alone on everything you have said here.

(I hope this will help - In my schooling we were taught that sometimes we have to act (treat ourselves and others) in spite of what we are feeling. Take some time to be loving to yourself - in spite of what your feeling. Act with love for yourself. You derserve it. The feelings are a natural response to acts done to you from circumstances that were out of your control. How you are feeling is justified. It has nothing to do with what you have to do. Love yourself in spite of that. Act with love to yourself.

You are in my thoughts,

Asher

_________________________
I do not know what signature means in 300 words. I am guessing some thoughts?

Great book that captures the truth of PTSD: The Sentimentalists by Skibsrud

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#39768 - 12/02/03 05:38 PM Re: Too Much
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
scott,
i have to admire you, bro. here is why. i get those same feelings when i a going through my worst episodes, like it was three-four weeks ago when i had the flashback about my step-asshole. i don't know how i survived it, but i did. the thing is i cannot go back to that memory yet because i know i am not ready to face it. if i went back to it i would have another episode like it was then and i don't know if i can handle it. i feel as though i am taking the cowards way out, just my distortion here. the reason i have such admiration for you is that you are facing the things i don't have the strength to face right now and you are hanging on. it takes a great deal of courage and inner strength to be able to do that even if you cannot see the strength right now. pm me if you need to but please keep in mind that i cannot respond as quickly since i have to go to a public location to get online. take care of yourself, scott, please, you have a lot of people backing you up in spirit.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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#39769 - 12/02/03 06:12 PM Re: Too Much
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
"When You're Down And Out......"

Talk about a bridge over troubled waters. You guys are the greatest. You got me by ricochet; you were writing to Scott and you got me, too.

There are good practical ideas and hopes here. Doing ourselves love, is one I expecially appreciate. How much have we beat ourselves up over these envents? I was at it just this morning.

How can I be here for anyone like that?
I guess the first step is realizing that we need to reassess. That, yes, we are depressed and what can we do for ourselves, even though we don't want to do anything for ourselves?

Thanking you all here, and especially you, Scott, for posting your feelings in the first place. I probably would have just crawled off into the cave by myself for the rest of the day. So, thank you all for helping me to help myself this afternoon.

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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